Talk:Statue of Ashurbanipal (San Francisco)/GA1

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GA Review[edit]

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made in a new section.
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Reviewer: Moswento (talk · contribs) 10:35, 5 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]

  • Yo, I'll take a look at this one. Probably tomorrow, but possibly before. Moswento talky 10:35, 5 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]
Overalls

Overall, this is a great article. The prose is on the whole of an excellent standard, I just have a few queries below. Most of these queries come from phrases that are quite close to the phrases of the original source. The sourcing on the whole is fine, but I do have one major query on that. Image checks out. The tone is neutral - isn't biased towards either the artist or the Assyrians. Once my comments below are addressed, I will happily promote this to GA! Moswento talky 14:36, 5 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you. --Another Believer (Talk) 15:58, 5 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]
Thank you for addressing my concerns. This now meets all GA criteria, and I am delighted to promote this. Keep up the good work! Moswento talky 16:30, 8 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]
Lead
  • "by Iraqi-born artist of Assyrian descent Fred Parhad" - this reads awkwardly, I think placing the name first would be better
  • "sizable" - If this is a quote, it needs a footnote.
Background
  • "had studied art at the University of California, Berkeley, but left and relocated to New York," - the source is actually ambiguous about whether he studied at the University of California or not. The fact that he "rejected" the institution could mean that he was offered a place, but turned it down. Do you have another source?
    • I do not (and I did search again just now). But, I changed the sentence to read: "Parhad rejected formal arts studies at the University of California, Berkeley and relocated to New York, where the..." Please let me now if this wording is not acceptable. Thanks. --Another Believer (Talk) 15:58, 5 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]
Thanks for looking for sources. I think this is better wording. Moswento talky 16:38, 7 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]
Description
  • "plinth decorated with a lotus blossum design" - this is a verbatim copy of the source and needs to be rephrased. Switching the whole sentence around would work, e.g. "A lotus blossom design adorns the plinth..." The next sentence is also too close to the source for comfort.
    • Changed "decorated" to "adorned". I am not sure how to change the order of phrases within the sentence that would not result in confusion. Regarding the following sentence, is "bronze plaque and rosettes" really a copyright violation? I am simply including two nouns featured on a base (two nouns for which I do not know synonyms). Either way, I changed the order of the two nouns. --Another Believer (Talk) 15:58, 5 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]
      • This is now improved. The second sentence was problematic because of the cumulative effect of both sentences together, both of which were very close to the source. This is no longer an issue. Moswento talky 16:38, 7 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]
  • "aforementioned" - this is a dangerous word in an open wiki! The text could be carelessly moved by another editor at another point. "the text of the tablet" might be safer.
Reception
  • This is optional, but would be really helpful for readers - is there any way of indicating how large the Assyrian population of San Francisco is? Is it just 2 angry men, or is it a group of protestors drawn from a cast of thousands?
    • If the sources do not say, I do not think we should try to quantify the number of protestors. --Another Believer (Talk) 15:58, 5 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Would not have been in his wardrobe" is not very encyclopedic language - a bit too close to mirroring the creative phrasing of the journalist
    • I still think this needs to be addressed. Something more basic like "a skirt, which they claimed he would never have worn" would be more encyclopedic, and would avoid copying the journalist's creative phrasing. Moswento talky 16:38, 7 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]
      • Done. Sorry, I think I overlooked this the first time through. Thanks. --Another Believer (Talk) 22:29, 7 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]
  • Any way you could cut back on the length of quotes in this section? I'm sure some could be paraphrased, and the most key bits quoted in full.
  • I'm also wondering if restructuring would be better - e.g. putting both of David's responses together. This is an idea, rather than a request!
    • There are not two responses to put together. First, one critic is quoted, then Narsai David is quoted. Then, Renee Kovacs. Then, Fred Parhad. If this is unclear, perhaps I should include David's first name as a reminder? I had included all of the information two paragraphs before another contributor spaced the quotes (which I had/have no problem with). --Another Believer (Talk) 15:58, 5 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]
      • My apologies - I have no idea why I got confused. Adding David's first name as a reminder would be helpful, I think. Moswento talky 16:38, 7 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]
  • "the full spectrum of Assyrian culture, from its hunting mastery to its appreciation for writing" - this is too close to the phrasing of the source.
    • How about, "... attempted to incorporate the various aspects of Assyrian culture, from its hunting mastery to its admiration for writing"? --Another Believer (Talk) 15:58, 5 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]
      • This is fine. The sentence structure is still quite close to the source, but not enough for me to insist on another change. Moswento talky 16:38, 7 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]
Image
  • No problems here.
References
  • What makes Caroun.com a reliable source?
    • This was good enough for me. The team of editors has worked with cultural organizations and the President has fancy letters behind his name and is a representative of The Canadian Association for Photographic Art in the Middle East and a member of Photography Society of America. Perhaps I am being naive here...? --Another Believer (Talk) 15:58, 5 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]
      • For me, the source was borderline, which is why I asked you about it. The page you point to has both positives and negatives. But, it's used in the article only to support one piece of biographical detail, which under GA criteria doesn't really need to be supported at all. So, leave it as it is. Moswento talky 16:38, 7 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you for taking time to review this article. Please let me know if any concerns still need to be addressed. --Another Believer (Talk) 15:58, 5 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]

  • Thanks for responding. My replies in italics. One change (or optionally, two) outstanding - feel free to discuss if you object. Moswento talky 16:38, 7 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]
    • I believe all concerns have been addressed. Please let me know otherwise. Thanks again for your time and assistance! --Another Believer (Talk) 16:31, 8 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]
      • Yep, as I said at the top about 30 seconds before your edit! Promoted - excellent work! Moswento talky 16:32, 8 September 2013 (UTC)[reply]
The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
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