User talk:Imzadi1979
Imzadi1979
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Post a message to my talk page 
Odd message[edit]
I just discovered I had been mentioned (named and shamed, actually) in an odd message from @204.48.31.214 upbraiding me for not congratulating you on "having M-35 named after [you]". I can't find anything in the article history suggesting this. Could you explain what's going on? (Congratulations if it's true.) Auric talk 21:11, 28 April 2024 (UTC)
Reminder to vote now to select members of the first U4C[edit]
- You can find this message translated into additional languages on Meta-wiki. Please help translate to other languages.
Dear Wikimedian,
You are receiving this message because you previously participated in the UCoC process.
This is a reminder that the voting period for the Universal Code of Conduct Coordinating Committee (U4C) ends on May 9, 2024. Read the information on the voting page on Meta-wiki to learn more about voting and voter eligibility.
The Universal Code of Conduct Coordinating Committee (U4C) is a global group dedicated to providing an equitable and consistent implementation of the UCoC. Community members were invited to submit their applications for the U4C. For more information and the responsibilities of the U4C, please review the U4C Charter.
Please share this message with members of your community so they can participate as well.
On behalf of the UCoC project team,
RamzyM (WMF) 23:18, 2 May 2024 (UTC)
A confession[edit]
Hello, Imzadi. This is Bluebird207, posting at an IP address.
I am well aware that back in March 2016 you told me, "I tend not to read very long posts, and possibly I don't read any part of it at all." Well, this post *is* going to be very long. In fact, very, *very*, VERY long - so long that it will require quite a bit of scrolling. And I *would* like you to read every single word of it, however long this will take you.
Starting from the start: after nearly ten years of editing as Bluebird207, I retired at the end of 2018, having become disillusioned after one bad incident too many. It wasn't very long, however, before that disillusionment disappeared and I became tempted to start editing again - and it wasn't long after *that* when that temptation became just too great. So back I came, but now editing anonymously - when I retired as Bluebird207, I went so far as to change my password to something I'd never remember.
I was probably better off *not* coming back. There were more bad incidents - and worse, some of them from my time as Bluebird207 still lingered in my memory. And one of these incidents was the disagreement that you and I had in October 2014 regarding the Michigan license plate article.
I will never, *ever* deny that *I* was the one who started this disagreement - by not going along with this series of absolutely reasonable edits that you made mere minutes after I had finished a series of my own edits. In that very long post I left you in March 2016, I said that this was because I had a terrible head cold at the time, which affected my judgement (and I added that this was no excuse whatsoever). But in fact, that *wasn't* the only reason - I will admit now that I have Asperger's, and one of the ways this affects me is that more often than not when something happens that I don't expect, I don't take it very well.
I did not expect you - or, indeed, anyone else - to make a series of edits so soon after mine, and say things like "items in boldface should not be linked", "remove unnecessary link", "fixing dash issues" and "adding missing quotation marks" in the summaries. And sure enough, I did not take it well at all: first I partially reverted one of your edits with a rather mean-spirited summary (you rightly reverted it back), then I demanded an explanation for these edits here on your talk page, and finally when you provided that explanation I replied back in a rather mean-spirited manner.
You had every right to be annoyed with me after that, and to tell me to leave your talk page in peace. But as you were telling me that, you also said, "You should be using this energy to improve the other mediocre examples to match, not tearing apart improvements and driving away interested editors (from the Michigan license plate article and similar articles for other states); if that was your desire, to push people away (from these articles) and enforce mediocrity (on these articles), you've achieved your goal."
I will tell you now, I was SERIOUSLY mad when you said that. Truly, deeply, incredibly mad. I don't deny that *I* was being a jerk (though I didn't realize it immediately), but "if it was your desire to drive other editors away from that article, you've succeeded"? I'm really sorry, Imzadi, but you really can *not* deny that *you* were a bit of a jerk too when you said that.
As I said, you had every right to be annoyed with me - but really, no matter how much another editor is bugging you and how annoyed you are with them, it is *not* a good idea to say things like that to them. You *do* have to admit, that particular thing *does* imply - even with the "if" - that you *do* think that that other editor wants to drive everyone away from the article and have it all to themselves, editing it solely to their standards (mediocre or otherwise). And you also have to admit, most of the time you really can *not* prove that that is what that other editor wants to do. Although I was being a jerk, I certainly did *not* have any desire to drive you or anyone else away - and if I *had* had such a desire, I would have reverted every single one of your edits without a second thought.
(Mind you, I actually *did* revert a whole series of edits by one editor on the New Hampshire license plate article in late 2017. And it was a *huge* series of edits, too - over forty of them, in fact. That editor was annoyed with me too, but I had no desire to drive *them* away either - I just felt that they had been just a bit too careless. And ultimately I *didn't* drive them away, as they made quite a few edits to that article after that incident *and* after I retired as Bluebird207.)
Anyway, I was seriously mad. So much so that, rather than leave you alone as you asked me to, I took the matter to ANI. That was another stupid move that, quite understandably, made you even more annoyed with me, and could - and maybe even should - have gotten me blocked. (I apologize for being a nosey parker here - but I see that in your nearly nineteen years of editing Wikipedia, you have not gotten involved in many ANI discussions, and indeed since October 2014 you have gotten involved in just *one* such discussion. That suggests to me that you are *not* keen about getting involved in ANI discussions of any kind, which is absolutely understandable. And so I feel that I should apologize, belated as this is, for being mad enough to start *that* particular discussion.)
Only *then* did I realize that I'd made a right fool of myself. But it still hurt me quite a lot to have been told, "If it was your desire to drive other editors away from that article, you've succeeded". I tried to demonstrate to you that I did not have such a desire - first at the very end of our disagreement, then in that March 2016 post. And on neither occasion did you tell me that you believed me - in fact, on neither occasion did you tell me *anything* about what you believed. This particularly hurt me on the second occasion - I found myself thinking, "If you're still annoyed with me a year and a half on, fine, but do you *still* think I *do* want to drive other users away? Are you *really* not believing me when I tell you that I don't?"
Eventually, the hurt subsided. But thereafter (both before and after I retired as Bluebird207), each time the whole affair came back into my mind, I continued to feel irritation over "If that was your desire..." et cetera, and you not telling me whether or not you believed me when I said that that was not my desire - while, of course, reminding myself that it had all been my fault, and that I had been a jerk towards you.
And then... just under two weeks ago, the whole affair came back into my mind once again. And this time, try as I did, I couldn't make it go away. At all. It lingered. Really, really lingered.
And before I knew it, I was seriously mad once again. Mad enough that I wanted retribution of some kind. I wanted you to feel guilty about saying "If that was your desire..." et cetera, and about not telling me whether or not that was still your belief when I had presented you with the opportunity to do so. I wanted to teach you a lesson; I wanted you to pay the price. It would be like a celebrity facing the music over horrible things that he/she/they had said on social media years ago.
So what did I do? I could have gone to ANI again; I could have started reverting your many edits to articles on U.S. and Michigan highways and said horrible things in the summaries; I could have gone on this talk page and called you an A-hole (with the two omitted letters), or a vagina (or rather, the awful four-letter synonym starting with 'C'), or a mofo (again, with the omitted letters), or even worse. Instead, I turned on my VPN, and pretended to be various Americans, Canadians and Brits politely criticizing you for your actions (and often using the exact same words that you had said to me during our disagreement, including "badgered", "harassed", and "those are your words, not mine"). Where I could edit the talk page for the IP address I was at (sometimes I could; sometimes I found that I couldn't and so I turned my VPN off and turned it on again to get onto an address at a different range), I pinged you and away I went.
The post to you on the talk page for an American IP address that featured the transcript of the "Did you threaten to overrule him?" interview from BBC TV's Newsnight, which I have to assume you're not greatly familiar with? *I* posted that. The post to you on the talk page for a British IP address that featured the last lines of W. B. Yeats' "Under Ben Bulben", a poem I have to assume you're not greatly familiar with either? *I* posted that, too.
And then I took it further, and made those troll posts in which I pretended that a highway near to the city where you are originally from had been named in your honor, and I congratulated you for it and pinged other very experienced editors - including the most experienced one of them all, the legendary Ser Amantio di Nicolao - to express "disapproval" that they were not congratulating you too. I have to admit, I'm quite surprised that Auric fell for it to some extent, as indicated by his post up there...
I made all those VPN posts not only out of madness, but hurt too. The same hurt that had accompanied my madness in October 2014, and that I had felt again in March 2016. And let me tell you: how completely, utterly wrong I was to think that by making those posts, I would relieve that hurt and throw it back to you. Because, in fact, I made myself *even more* hurt. It was like looking to punch a punching bag so hard that I knocked the bag over, but instead the bag quickly swung back and *I* was the one who was knocked over.
Now *everything* about this whole affair - October 2014, March 2016, those VPN posts - *completely* took over my mind, to the extent that concentrating on other thoughts was almost impossible, no matter where I was or what I was doing (at home on my laptop or trying to sleep, or going for a long walk around the town in which I live). I was so, *so* hurt - and I do *not* think I am exaggerating when I say that had I gone to a doctor, there's a non-zero chance that he or she would have diagnosed me with depression. And all of it, every single bit of it, was *my* fault, *my* doing.
Had I thought just that little bit more clearly in October 2014, manned up just that little bit more, put my Asperger's and my head cold to one side, and fully accepted that series of edits you made to the Michigan license plate article - no partial reversions, no mean-spiritedness - *none* of these unpleasant events would have taken place, and I would have *never* made myself so hurt. It may well have still been that other bad incidents disillusioned me enough to retire as Bluebird207 (and I was then tempted back as an anonymous editor), but it certainly would *not* have been that you were so annoyed that you said a jerk thing like "If that was your desire..." et cetera, and removed the Michigan license plate article from your watchlist with no intention of editing it ever again. (Though I note that license plates don't appear to have ever really been your thing anyway - you were not a particularly frequent editor of that article, and AFAIK you have never edited any of the similar articles for other states, not even neighboring states like Wisconsin or Ohio. Did you have that article on your watchlist *mainly* because it's to do with your home state?)
As it was, making myself so hurt led me to contemplate. To really wonder if, after fifteen years, was it worth editing Wikipedia in any way any more? Had the fun of it gone for good, and how much better would it be for me - and my mental health - if I never edited Wikipedia again in any way, and never again gave in to the temptation to do so, no matter how great that temptation was? I already knew that no version of Wikipedia - English, Simple English, French, Spanish, Japanese, et cetera - was ever going to be perfect and complete in every way, even in the never-to-be-possible scenario that every single editor of it - with a username, or anonymous - behaved perfectly and followed each and every one of the many, *many* rules and guidelines, without even the slightest step out of line.
And ultimately I decided, yes, I *was* - indeed, *am* - better off not editing Wikipedia in any way any more. In fact, I might be better off not editing *any* wiki any more. I have edited a number of other wikis over the years, and I have gotten involved in bad incidents on these wikis too - and some of these incidents have been, just like our disagreement, *my* fault as a result of not taking it well when another editor has edited an article in a certain way so soon after I have made my own edit. I don't wish to describe any of *these* incidents in great detail, and I will not name the wikis or the other editors involved - but I *will* say that just like here, I have gotten seriously mad, to the point where I've believed that I've had to retaliate in some way to try to teach these editors a lesson, and I *have* retaliated, only to succeed in hurting myself even more.
I even decided that cutting down the time I spend on my laptop each day might be very good for me. There's a great, big, real world I want to explore, and to devote more of my time to exploring - and there is no excuse for not doing this, especially now that the worst of COVID is well in the past. Indeed, there's no excuse for not exploring more of Ireland, my home for the past twenty-three years, when I can go anywhere in it without having to pay a cent thanks to my free travel pass.
But before I walked away, there was one last thing I wanted to do. And that was to make this confession to you, however long it would be.
I must say, making this confession is a leap of faith to some extent. All the time I was editing as Bluebird207, I did my level best to stay the right side of the line, to stay out of trouble and not do something that would get me blocked. In October 2014, I crossed that line completely, and I created a great deal of trouble for myself and for you - as I said, I could and maybe even should have been blocked for it, and I considered myself lucky that I wasn't. Nearly ten years later - after more bad incidents, more madness, more hurt, and this tearing open of an old wound (by making those VPN posts) - how would I feel about seeing "Bluebird207 blocked with an expiration time of indefinite", and whatever reason(s) was/were stated (abusing multiple accounts, violation of the harassment policy, et cetera)? I'd feel bad, of course I would - but I actually *don't* think I'd feel as bad as I might have done had this happened before the end of 2018.
You may or may not agree, but I've come to fully realize that being blocked indefinitely from Wikipedia does *not* necessarily mean that you're a bad person in real life. Indeed, getting annoyed and doing jerk things on Wikipedia does not necessarily mean that you're a bad person in real life, either. In all these years since our disagreement and you saying to me "If that was your desire..." et cetera, I have never once thought - moments of madness notwithstanding - that you, Imzadi, are a bad person in real life. For all I know, you could be a very, *very* popular person in real life, very pleasant and great fun to be around. (Plenty such people here in Ireland - and not just the people you might expect to see in a traditional Irish pub.)
I don't think of myself as a bad person in real life, though I certainly do have my faults and my limitations - some of these as a result of my Asperger's; some not. What I would absolutely *hate*, though, is if I did enough bad things on Wikipedia or any other site (wikis aside, I post on a few forums, but don't post on social media) that it had a permanent negative effect of some sort on my real life. Being so hurt after making those VPN posts, and tearing open that old wound, was what I now consider a warning sign.
Much as this confession is a leap of faith to an extent, I wanted to make it before I walked away, because I felt that not doing so would *also* not be good for me in the long term. Well, *anything* you have on your chest that you really should get off it - it's not good for you if you don't get it off, is it?
And when you make a confession like this one, you usually have to apologize for the things you have confessed to doing, regardless whether or not your apologies will be accepted. And apologizing is exactly what I am going to do here. Imzadi, I am sorry - I truly am - for making those VPN posts to you. And I am sorry, too - again, I truly am - for all the other things I did that made you annoyed with me. For being mean-spirited in my edit summaries and on your talk page, for not leaving you alone the first time you asked me to, for being seriously mad and taking the matter to ANI. Sorry, sorry, and sorry once more.
Well, I guess that's finally it. This really has taken me *literal* hours to type up - and I'm not counting the time I've been away from my laptop since I started to type it (like when I've been sleeping in my bed, or mowing my front lawn). And I know that the moment I post it, the fight against the temptation to edit Wikipedia again will once more resume - but this time, I am resolving to not lose this fight.
I won't be turning my back on Wikipedia altogether, however, because I'm quite certain I won't be able to do *that*. Even if I *do* cut down the number of hours I spend on my laptop each day, chances are that whenever I look for a piece of information on the Internet, the appropriate Wikipedia article will be at or near the top of the Google results, and I will visit that article. But any temptation I have to edit that article, I *will* fight, no matter how great it is. Like many people, I have made plenty of resolutions over the years that I haven't kept (and not just New Year's resolutions) - but this one, to not lose this fight against temptation, I *do* want to keep.
Imzadi, reading every single word of this very, *very* long post is the *only* thing I would like you to do. Whatever you do afterwards regarding this post is completely up to you. You can reply to it if you so desire, even if I never read this reply (I won't be replying back in any case, because doing so *will* mean losing this fight against temptation, and failing to keep my resolution). You can decide that while other editors can reply if *they* so desire, *you* will not - it may well be that after all these years, you still want to keep your distance from me (whether you accept my apologies or not), and what I have said (and linked to) in this post has brought back memories that are too painful for you. And you can decide to delete this post altogether - whether because you still want to keep your distance from me, or because it's way too long a post to be archived, or indeed both of those reasons.
But if indeed you *have* read every single word of this post, however long it has taken you, then I have just two words: thank you.
All the very best to you in the future, both here on Wikipedia and in real life.
Bluebird207 @ 2A02:8084:F1BE:C780:307D:90BE:187A:D73B (talk) 02:27, 3 May 2024 (UTC)