Help:Buying Wikipedia/Instructions

We appreciate your interest in purchasing this blasted site off of our hands! Follow these simple steps, pay the $83,096,913,210,143,583.92 dollars, and Wikipedia is yours!

Preferred Instructions

Preferred instructions

1. Fly into Kansas City International Airport.
2. From there, request a Kia Soul from the nearby car salesman and go west, then take the 124th right.
3. Then, turn your car 136 degrees and continue for 53 miles (85 km),

   then turn left,

   then left again,

   and left again- wait... yeah, left again. You should arrive at a metal bridge.

4. We will be under there waiting for the transaction to happen. We will only be there at 4:36 pm.
5. Then, we will give you a 42-letter passcode to approve the transaction. You must perform the Secret handshake listed under section 348 B-27a of the Wikipedia Policies and Guidelines instruction handbook.

   Half of your payment must be made in cash, and a fifth of the other half will be performed credit. The remaining four-fifths of the other half will be paid out via Wiki-tokens at precisely 6:34 am.

The Cheeseburgers

Q: Obtaining $83,096,913,210,143,583.92 in cash is physically impossible! Is there any other way I can pay?

A: If you run into issues acquiring the amount of cash necessary to buy Wikipedia, an exchange rate of 2.35543 United States Dollars (USD) to 1, 1⁄4 lb (0.11 kg) cheeseburger will be accepted in order to complete the transaction.

1. The aforementioned burgers must be cooked medium rare (145 °F (63 °C)).
2. They are to be seasoned with salt, pepper, garlic powder, and onion powder (not too much), complete with lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, caramelized onions, ketchup, and mayonnaise.
3. These burgers require special versions of each ingredient; see this guide on how to meet Jerry.
4. The burgers are to be individually wrapped in paper, with a smiley face drawn on each one.

If you have any further questions about these burgers, please ask Jerry. Jerry works off gratuity, and a 30% tip is recommended. You're still required to pay the credit and bitcoin amounts even if you cook all these delicious cheeseburgers for us.

Q: Who is Jerry? How can I meet him?

A: Jerry is our resident expert burger flipper. You can meet Jerry by following the steps outlined here.

Q: Wait, what happened to your other resident expert burger flipper Danny?

A: Poor Danny... if you really want to know, click here for the full story about Danny.

Q: What happens if I don't follow through with paying?

A: If you fail to complete the steps correctly or back out of completing the purchasing process after you start, our elite management team in charge of the Wikipedia purchase system will hunt you down and have you terminated, no matter where you are or where you hide. Your IP will never be safe again. Good luck!

Alternative instructions

You may alternatively pay your balance in these methods, though you will be subject to an additional 15% premiumization tax as well as a $203,000 convenience fee.

The Raphael Option

1. Start by flying to New York City, any of the three major airports will do. You're going to be heading to 888 Madison Avenue on Manhattan, and arrive there by February 21 at 5:30 PM local time to meet with Daniella. 2. Daniella will be expecting you to buy her, at most, 25 items of her choice at the store located at 888 Madison. You should comply with these orders ASAP. 3. You will then be able to complete the payment in one lump sum, using cash, money orders, and/or Bitcoin, counting all the taxes and fees mentioned above. The above items purchased for Daniella's personal satisfaction, though mandatory, will not credit towards the amount due. Daniella will facilitate payment on her end. 4. Upon the completion of payment, you must take an elevator to the roof of the tallest building at the World Trade Center and film a short video of yourself saying that you bought Wikipedia, all while performing the default Fortnite dance. You must also take all legal measures necessary, including but not limited to bribery if necessary, to ensure that the video is posted to the primary TikTok account of at least three of the following personalities: Olivia Dunne Mark Rober Charlie D'Amelio Khaby Lame Addison Rae MrBeast Kylie Jenner Loren Gray Jason Derulo Alix Earle DJ Khaled Tiësto Travis Scott 5. Convince at least one of them to join you at the WTC roof to do Johnathan Secret's handshake for a second TikTok you will post to both your own account (if you don't have one, create one) as well as the participating personality's account. We will give a 0.01% discount on the total payment credited back to you if you are able to get two or more personalities as listed above, or ones approved by Wikipedia Purchasing Management. Once that's done, congrats! You now own Wikipedia!

The Party Life Option

1. Catch a private jet flight to State College, Pennsylvania. You'll be partying at Penn State tonight! Find the Alpha Tau Omega fraternity house and ask for the head of the brothers. Ask for the name of the "Faolian" telling him that it's for Wikipedia. He'll give you a name you will utilize. Feel free to party as well for a few more nights before proceeding to step 2. 2. Rent a green Ford F-150, and attach a sticker of the Wikipedia logo to the hood. Make the drive out to The Ohio State University. The current incumbent of the "Faolian" office, which is an office rather than a person, will meet you at the Midway dive bar at 1728 N High Street. You will pay the first 25% of the Wikipedia purchase to the incumbent Faolian, who will not accept the purchase money unless you followed Step 1. As a sign of respect to the Faolian institution, after the money has been transferred, you are expected to order both yourself as well as the incumbent Faolian fifteen Long Island Iced Teas, ten wells, ten bombs, and a sex on the beach. You are further expected to consume all drinks bought within a single uninterrupted ten-minute period at Midway. 3. Crash that F-150 into Interstate 670, around the interchange with state route 315. Ensure that your car was the only casualty or damaged vehicle; if not, you will be required to restart the entire process (no credit for the amount already paid) and deliver us an additional fifteen thousand cheeseburgers pursuant to the Cheeseburgers listed previously, with Jerry's assistance required. The officer which shows up to investigate the crash will ask you questions; just say "I'm buying Wikipedia and I have already delivered to Faolian" and he'll collect the next 10% from you and let you go. 4. You're flying out again! Head to the Las Vegas Strip and you're going to be depositing the remaining 65% into a slot machine located in the MGM Grand. Ask the concierge at the hotel where the designated slot machine is. Congrats, you're almost done! Thanks for your purchase btw 5. MGM officials will give you a slip of paper you will present to WPM at the One Montgomery Tower in San Francisco, the WMF's headquarters. Upon presentation of the purchasing slip, WMF will begin the transfer of all its assets to the servers. You are now the new owner of Wikipedia!|}