Talk:Albert Ball/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Anotherclown (talk • contribs) 11:37, 2 October 2011 (UTC)

Progression

• Version of the article when originally reviewed: [1]
• Version of the article when review was closed: [2]

Technical review

• Citations: The Citation Check tool reveals one error with ref consolidation:
  • "Nieuport Aces" (Multiple references are using the same name)
    • Tks for catching that -- resolved this and tweaked another citation or two while at it. Cheers, Ian Rose (talk) 00:04, 5 October 2011 (UTC)
• Disambiguations: three dab links [3]:
  • Saint-Léger
  • Vaux
  • Velu
    • Dealth with first and third, second not sure. George? Cheers, Ian Rose (talk) 00:04, 5 October 2011 (UTC)
• Linkrot: External links all check out [4] (no action required).
• Alt text: a couple of the images lack alt text so you might consider adding it for consistancy [5] (suggestion only).
  • Will do for consistency. Cheers, Ian Rose (talk) 00:04, 5 October 2011 (UTC)
• Copyright violations: The Earwig Tool is currently not working so will AGF (no action required).

Criteria

• It is reasonably well written.

  a (prose): b (MoS):

  • Minor point, but I think this could be reworded a little: "Albert Ball VC, DSO & Two Bars, MC (14 August 1896 – 7 May 1917) was an English First World War fighter pilot and recipient of the Victoria Cross, the highest decoration for gallantry "in the face of the enemy" that can be awarded to members of the British or Commonwealth armed forces." Specifically I'm not a fan of so many adjectives so close together as you have here: "English First World War fighter pilot". As a suggestion "Albert Ball VC, DSO & Two Bars, MC (14 August 1896 – 7 May 1917) was an English fighter pilot during the First World War and a recipient of the Victoria Cross, the highest decoration for gallantry "in the face of the enemy" that can be awarded to members of the British or Commonwealth armed forces." (suggestion only)
  • "whilst pursuing the Red Baron's brother", "whilst" → "while" as the former is generally avoided (I believe) on wikipedia, also you use "while" again later so it might pay to be consistant. (suggestion only)
  • Prose: "Ball continued his record of victories before his final flight on 7 May..." perhaps consider "Ball continued his record of victories until his final flight on 7 May... (suggestion only)
  • "He managed to force von Richthofen to the ground, but soon after emerged from a cloud bank upside down and crashed before he could recover..." perhaps "During the engagement he managed to force von Richthofen to the ground, but soon after emerged from a cloud bank upside down and crashed before he could recover." (sugestion only)
  • I don't quite understand what you mean here: "his father staked him to a start in business as Universal Engineering Works in a building". Do you mean to start a business called "Universal Engineering Works"? Perhaps reword so that the meaning is more clear?
  • The language is a little repetative here: "he paid his own way to undertake pilot training in his own time...", specifically use of the word "own" twice in the same sentence. Perhaps reword?
  • "soloed in a Maurice Farman Longhorn..." is soloed a word? If it is thats fine, its just not in my dictionary.
    • I think this term is reasonably ubiquitous. Cheers, Ian Rose (talk) 00:48, 5 October 2011 (UTC)
  • This seems a little informal and perhaps someone's perception of the subject: "While not unsociable per se, he was extremely sensitive and shy." Might it work better as a quote? (suggestion only)
    • Not sure how to reword; more than one source records this aspect of his personality (without using particularly quotable wording)... Cheers, Ian Rose (talk) 00:36, 5 October 2011 (UTC)
  • "pilot trainees" might work better as "trainee pilots" (suggestion only)
  • "Armament featured a machine gun", perhaps "The aircraft featured a machine-gun"? (Note machine-gun needs to be hypenated here.)
  • This is repetative: "Inaction chafed Ball, and he began agitating for a return to action...", specifically "inaction and action" in the same sentence. Perhaps reword?
  • What is a "cockpit 'greenhouse'"?
    • Fair question; I assumed some environmentals but not certain what. George? Cheers, Ian Rose (talk) 00:36, 5 October 2011 (UTC)
      • Re-checked source and worked it out after all; the mention of "windscreen" in the same sentence confused me but in fact "greenhouse" was the colloquial term for that type of windscreen... Cheers, Ian Rose (talk) 00:48, 5 October 2011 (UTC)
        • A greenhouse cockpit consists of a U-shaped windscreen that extends backwards on either side of the cockpit. Georgejdorner (talk) 05:52, 5 October 2011 (UTC)
          • Tks mate. Cheers, Ian Rose (talk) 11:00, 5 October 2011 (UTC)
  • "and Vickers machine gun removed and the windscreen", machine-gun needs to be hypenated here.
  • "before his machine gun jammed", machine-gun needs to be hypenated here too AFAIK.
  • Not sure about the tense here "He had continued to undertake his habitual lone patrols, but had lately been fortunate to survive." In particular use of "lately".
  • This doesn't work grammatically IMO: "had received the Croix de Chevalier, Legion d'Honneur by the French", specifically "had received" and "by", possible "from" instead of "by"? For instance "had received the Croix de Chevalier, Legion d'Honneur from the French.
    • I think pretty well all your prose suggestions will improve the article; tks for those. Cheers, Ian Rose (talk) 00:04, 5 October 2011 (UTC)
• It is factually accurate and verifiable.

  a (references): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR):

  • Excellent use of WP:RS in my opinion.
  • Citations all follow a consistent style.

• It is broad in its coverage.

  a (major aspects): b (focused):

  • I'm not an expert on the subject, however it seems to cover all the major aspects of Ball's life and his military service.

• It follows the neutral point of view policy.

  a (fair representation): b (all significant views):

  • No issues that I can see.

• It is stable.

  No edit wars etc.:

  • Significant recent work but it all appears to be collabrative. Article seems to be fairly complete now.

• It contains images, where possible, to illustrate the topic.

  a (tagged and captioned): b (Is illustrated with appropriate images): c (non-free images have fair use rationales): d public domain pictures appropriately demonstrate why they are public domain':

  • Images are all PD or appropriately licenced and seem appropriate for the article.

• Overall:

  a Pass/Fail:

Overall a solid effort. There were no MOS issues that I could see. There are, however, a few technical issues and some prose points/suggestions to be dealt with or discussed, but otherwise this looks good to me. Anotherclown (talk) 07:57, 4 October 2011 (UTC)

Many tks for review, AC. George and I will just try and resolve the Vaux dab but apart from that I think we're done. Cheers, Ian Rose (talk) 00:48, 5 October 2011 (UTC)

Those changes look good and all my points have beeen resolved. Thanks for your prompt responses. Passing now. Anotherclown (talk) 07:51, 5 October 2011 (UTC)

Tks AC! Cheers, Ian Rose (talk) 11:00, 5 October 2011 (UTC)