Talk:Britney and Kevin: Chaotic/GA1

Page contents not supported in other languages.
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

GA Review[edit]

GA toolbox
Reviewing

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: Moswento (talk · contribs) 17:32, 16 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

I've done a review of this one. There's some good stuff here: the article covers all the main aspects of the topic, and gives a good background. Referencing is very good on the whole, and I don't see problems with neutrality or edit warring etc. However, there are a few problems with the text, which I've outlined below. Most of these are minor, but there is also a problem with plagiarism from some of the sources. If you're able to address all of these concerns, I'll be happy to promote this to GA. Moswento talky 17:32, 16 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

  • Thanks for your replies, and sorry for not getting back on this sooner. Real life has been busy, but I'll have a chance to look at this again in the next 24 hours. This is just a courtesy note to say I haven't forgotten this review, and I appreciate your prompt responses below. Take care, Moswento talky 14:06, 21 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]
    • OK, that was a bit of a pointless courtesy note. I've looked over your responses to my queries, and I just have a few follow-up queries, two on close paraphrasing, and two unresolved from below. After that, I think we're good to promote this to GA. The comments that need addressing are in the "Final comments" section immediately below. Keep up the good work! Moswento talky 14:46, 21 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]
      • That's quite alright; I know how it is.  — Statυs (talk, contribs) 17:34, 22 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]
        • I think we're there (I implemented WP:SOFIXIT and changed the bonus CD ref to Allmusic, which I think is a bit better). So, I'm gladly promoting this to GA. I know this is not your first GA, and I hope it's not your last. Congratulations! Moswento talky 18:15, 23 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]
Final comments
  • "The romance received intense media attention, since Federline had recently broken up with actress Shar Jackson, who was pregnant with their second child" is still too close to the source text "Media attention to the romance was intense, especially since Federline had very recently broken up with actress Shar Jackson, who was still pregnant with their second child at the time." To suggest something different: "As Federline had only recently ended his relationship with actress Shar Jackson, who was pregnant at the time, this engagement was the subject of extensive media coverage".
  • " views on sex, life and love suggest" - you have reworded this in a way that is too close to the source. What about something like "the views Spears expresses in the series suggest"
  • "making the series the most watched broadcast in the 9:00pm Tuesday timeslot with regularly scheduled programming since March 2004 on UPN." - alternative phrasing suggestion: "The first episode of the series was seen by 3.7 million viewers,[15] making it UPN's most-watched piece of regularly scheduled programming in the 9pm Tuesday timeslot since March 2004."
  • Re my comment about "Also, I don't see that the source actually says that the bonus CD is her "first extended play of the same name"" - The source says it includes a "bonus CD", not what the bonus CD is.
  • I've added a source that states that the bonus CD includes new songs from Spears.  — Statυs (talk, contribs) 17:34, 22 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]
Lead
  • "from the earliest stages of their courtship to their engagement and ultimately, their stroll down the aisle" - I don't see the reason for including this quote in the aisle. Strikes me as being fairly easy to paraphrase, and the quote doesn't say anything special.
  • "used in the series " - this phrase is redundant, and removing it would avoid the repetition of "series"
  • "of the The Onyx Hotel Tour" - only need one "the", I'll let you choose which
  • "panned" - this sounds a bit slangy and not very encyclopedic. Maybe just "severely/heavily criticized"?
  • " first extended play " - I think "extended play" needs wikilinking. Not a common phrase for the "youth of today"
  • "was accompanied by" - this is slightly ambiguous phrasing. Perhaps "included" would be clearer?
Background
  • "It was announced by MTV News" (optional change) "MTV News announced in..."
  • "Pitched under the title OnTourage" - this phrasing is identical to the source, and could easily be rephrased
  • "six episode series," - "six-episode series"? (compare "six-week leg")
  • "some of her own adventures" - another unnecessary quote, I would have thought
  • "Spears was to narrate and shoot "some of her own adventures" with her dancers and handlers herself." - this is almost identical to the source: "narrate and shoot", "dancers and handlers"
  • "The show could was planned" - I assume the "could" shouldn't be here, but either way this sentence needs correction. Also, the source doesn't say "by early summer", it says "as early as summer".
  • "She was taken immediately to a local hospital...which caused any future concerts to be canceled." - There's too much off-topic detail here. Most of this information is incidental to the show that this article is about. Two sentences maximum would be enough.
  • Trimmed a bit, however, I think it's necessary to go into detail a little bit, as the show as cancelled due to the injury.  — Statυs (talk, contribs) 05:52, 17 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]
  • "who was still pregnant with their second child at the time" - don't need both "still" and "at the time"
  • "I didn't know [Kevin] that well...I think it helped at first." - this quote is overly long, especially because it's quite repetitive. Paraphrase some of it, and just choose the best bit to quote directly. Also, you have two full stops at the end.
  • "The romance received intense attention from the media, since Federline had recently broken up with actress Shar Jackson, who was still pregnant with their second child at the time" - The first part is too close to the source, the second part is taken wholesale from the source.
Critical response
  • Another double full stop thing going on in the quote box
  • "panned" - see above
  • "contemporary critics" - "contemporary" seems redundant; this is assumed, unless you state otherwise
  • "views on sex, life and love suggest someone [...] they're the only person on the face of the earth" - firstly, this truncated quote doesn't quite make sense. Secondly, the writer only uses this to refer to Spears' views, not both of their views.
  • "many intersecting things wrong on this show and with Britney that I can't possibly prioritize them. I can't say that the sheer narcissism is the main problem, since that may be a byproduct of the overwhelming stupidity showcased here". - this is possibly an overly long quote. The first part alone would illustrate the scathing nature of his comments, the rest is perhaps excessive.
  • "of magazine Variety" - "of the magazine Variety"?
  • ""a visual assault of nauseating camera angles, likely to upset even the most desensitized TV viewer. Note to Spears: Learn how to use a camcorder before basing a show on its usage" - the second sentence is essentially a repetition of the first. You don't need both.
  • "if they feel their show served its purpose. They annoyed us, made us cringe, gave us their insights on life and love and finally, annoyed us some more. However, if the whole point of the show was to prove their love is the real deal, well I have to say, Britney & Kevin: Mission Accomplished" - another overly long quote.
  • I'm concerned that by putting the Common Sense Media quote into a box, you don't give it sufficient context. They have a specific approach, viewpoint and agenda that should be mentioned if you're going to quote them.
US television ratings
  • "garnered" - I'm not sure this is the best word the first time round, but you definitely don't need to use it twice. "3 million viewers watched the second episode" might be better
  • "the series the most watched broadcast in the 9:00pm, Tuesday timeslot with regularly scheduled programming since March 2004 on UPN." - firstly, you don't need a comma after the "9:00pm". Secondly, I'm not sure what exactly you mean by this sentence. The "with regularly scheduled programming" is confusing me. I can't offer an alternative phrasing without knowing what you mean.
  • That means it is not including special one-time broadcast, such as an awards show, or a news cast interruption.  — Statυs (talk, contribs) 05:52, 17 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]
  • Can you find any information about non-American broadcasts? No worries if not, but would be a good addition.
  • Sadly, no. American broadcast ratings are the only ones you can really get a hold of.  — Statυs (talk, contribs) 05:52, 17 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]
Home media
  • "series five episodes" - I think you need an apostrophe here
  • "however, the picture quality is limited by the recording quality of the cameras. Some minor/mild noise/pixelation is occasionally spotted." - This is plagiarism and needs to be rephrased (or at least attributed, although paraphrasing would be preferable)
  • "Spears' first extended play of the same name was included as a bonus CD to the DVD release." - this would be better moved to after the bit about the photo gallery.
  • Also, I don't see that the source actually says that the bonus CD is her "first extended play of the same name"
  • Well, it was her first extended play and it shares the same name.  — Statυs (talk, contribs) 05:52, 17 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]
References
  • What makes "Reality Blurred" a reliable source for viewing figures. It looks like a self-published blog to me.
Retrieved from "https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Talk:Britney_and_Kevin:_Chaotic/GA1&oldid=1144174930"