Talk:Matthew Sands/GA1

GA Review[edit]

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Reviewer: Neonblak (talk · contribs) 17:38, 9 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]

I will be conducting a GA review of this article, and should have it completed within a day or two.Neonblak ^talk - 17:38, 9 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Sorry for the delay, life has thrown some stuff my way, and I haven't been able to finish this yet. It will be soon though, thanks for your patience.Neonblak ^talk - 16:21, 14 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Rate	Attribute	Review Comment
1. Well-written:
	1a. the prose is clear, concise, and understandable to an appropriately broad audience; spelling and grammar are correct.	See comments below
	1b. it complies with the Manual of Style guidelines for lead sections, layout, words to watch, fiction, and list incorporation.	Section "MIT" should be formalized by spelling out its name, and "Caltech" should be re-thought, in reality, the section covers several colleges, not sure what it should be, but it's really accurate as it stands. Does "Post-Graduate career" sound correct? Also, the use of non-breaking spaces is desirable per MOS:NBSP
2. Verifiable with no original research:
	2a. it contains a list of all references (sources of information), presented in accordance with the layout style guideline.	Due to use of infoboxes and Lead sections as summaries of what is in the article, it is unnessesary to use citations. In most instances, all information in these sections should be in the body of article. See: WP:INFOBOXREF and WP:CITELEAD. The last line of the lead is word-for-word the same as the info in the body. His thesis could be incorporated into his schooling easily, and would be appropriate.
	2b. reliable sources are cited inline. All content that could reasonably be challenged, except for plot summaries and that which summarizes cited content elsewhere in the article, must be cited no later than the end of the paragraph (or line if the content is not in prose).	See comments on references below.
	2c. it contains no original research.
3. Broad in its coverage:
	3a. it addresses the main aspects of the topic.
	3b. it stays focused on the topic without going into unnecessary detail (see summary style).	See comment below in WWII
	4. Neutral: it represents viewpoints fairly and without editorial bias, giving due weight to each.	In style - yes, several words were pointed out in the comments.
	5. Stable: it does not change significantly from day to day because of an ongoing edit war or content dispute.
6. Illustrated, if possible, by media such as images, video, or audio:
	6a. media are tagged with their copyright statuses, and valid non-free use rationales are provided for non-free content.	One picture included. Verified as public domain.
	6b. media are relevant to the topic, and have suitable captions.	Image needs Alt text per WP:ALT and WP:MOSIM.
	7. Overall assessment.	I'm sorry, there seems to be quite a bit of work to be done to this article, and it just isn't ready for prime time. This article needs a thorough copyedit, in addition to the other concerns like the references, lack of wiki markups, and headings. I would recommend a peer review (WP:PR) in future, a service I've used many times to ready articles for the GA process. I am going to fail this for now, but this can serve as a rough draft for corrections, and once these issues are addressed, feel free to re-nominate. Good luck.

Lead

The lead should be expanded into two paragraphs at least. My suggestions is to make the first paragraph his topic line and military work, and his university work the second.
If you are going to use acronyms for the other schools, you should use MIT as well.
"Sands went to the California Institute of Technology (Caltech) in 1950,..." - the word went used for the same purpose in two concesutive sentences, I would variate for better flow. Maybe use attended.
- Y reworded. Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"In 1998 The American Physical Society awarded..." - comma after 1998
- Done Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Early life and education

no need for a comma after Oxford, Massachusetts
- N Yes, there is. Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"In high school, he was encouraged by his mathematics teacher, John Chafee, who was a graduate of Brown University." - What was he encouraged to do? Build radios or study mathematics? Sentence is unclear to me.
- Y reworded. Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"At Rice he met his first wife, Elizabeth, an undergraduate student there." - comma after Rice. Also, remove the word there, it is an unneeded preposition.
- N No, it has meaning. Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]

World War II

comma after 1941
you should probably find a different word for unfathomable, its one of those POV types, try unknown
- Done Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
same for disgusted, a more encylopedic word would be something like disillusioned.
- Done Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"...which soon changed its name to "Federation of American Scientists"." - You need to include the acronym FAS after the name, since it used in the following sentence.
- Done Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"In 1951, he became head of the Instrumentation division at Brookhaven National Laboratory, where in 1958, he invented the world's first video game to entertain laboratory visitors." - Is this Higinbotham or Sands? If it is Higinbotham, this isn't notable for Sands, and the sentence should be removed.
- Done Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
postwar = post-war
- Done Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]

MIT

"...the Massachusetts Institute of Technology moved into a new era of "big science" funded by the US government." - the acronym MIT should be in parenthesis following Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and US should be spelled out, United States (U.S.)
- Done Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"MIT's expansion in physics was encouraged by its president Karl Compton..." - MITS's expansion into, and a comma after Compton.
- Done Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"Consequently, they were paid a stipend similar to that of a postdoctoral researcher, which was funded by the Office of Naval Research and enabled them to support families during their graduate studies. Sands was one of the four." - Try this, "Sands, along with each member of this group, were paid a stipend, similar to that of a post-doctoral researcher. The funding was supplied by the Office of Naval Research which enabled them to support their families during their graduate studies."
- Y reworded. Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"With Rossi as advisor," - should be an advisor.
- N No, it has a specific meaning. Linked. Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"This information is useful, because most atmospheric cosmic rays are muons." - try, "This study was considered important due to the fact that most atmospheric cosmic rays are muons."
- Y reworded. Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"In response, Zacharias asked Sands to lend a hand." - "In response, Zacharias asked for Sands' assistance."
- Done Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"In 1948, Sands divorced his first wife, Elizabeth, whom he had married at Rice, and taken to Los Alamos. They lived in Weston, Massachusetts, with their two children. Almost Immediately, he remarried Eunice Hawthorne who was a sister in law of his high school math teacher, John Chafee, and moved with her into MIT's Westgatehousing units for married students." - In 1948, his marriage with Elizabeth ended in divorce. She remained in Weston, Massachusetts with their two children. Soon afterword, he married Eunice Hawthorne, a sister-in-law of John Chafee, his high school math teacher. They moved into MIT's Westgatehousing units designated for married students."
- Y reworded. Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"Early in 1950, the situation came to a head;..." - "...the situation remained troublesome for Sands;"
- Y reworded. Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Caltech

"In 1963 Sands became..." - comma after 1963
- Done Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
debating should be deciding
"...Sands convinced Feynman that not accepting it would bring even..." - "Sands convinced Feyman that by not accepting, it would bring even..."
"After retiring from UCSC in 1985, Sands worked as a consultant for SLAC and also as a consultant for Bay View Elementary School and Santa Cruz High School in Santa Cruz, California, to develop computer systems and physics lab activities for students." - "After retiring from UCSC in 1985, Sands consulted for SLAC, as well as for both Bay View Elementary and Santa Cruz High Schools to develope computer systems and physics lab activities for students."
- N Reads fine as it is. Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"He also helped write the famous 1964 physics textbook Feynman Lectures on Physics..." - I would leave out the word famous, it's one of those POV words that need explanation if used.
- Done Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]

References

Ref #1 - doesn't take me directly to the information sourced, multiple option screens a reader shouldn't have to weed through.
- Y Removed Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Ref #4 - isn't needed and not a reliable source; it has a formatting issue anyway.
- Done Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Ref #7 - doesn't take me directly to the information sourced.
- Y Corrected Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Ref #8 - what makes fundinguniverse.com a reliable resource?
- Done Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Ref #16 - no longer a valid link
- Y Removed Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Ref #28 - not formated properly; work=Legacy.com,publisher=Santa Cruz Sentinel
- Y Reformatted to remove work, publisher Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]

All points addressed. Hawkeye7 (talk) 09:51, 23 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]