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Apathyjunkie ['aputhee 'jungkee] (b. 1981) is the moniker of a perpetual daydreamer, gubmint lackey, and, of interest to the current venue, a reclusive Wikipedia user/contributor. He tells the truth (on average) seventy percent of the time1 and writes in a tone and vernacular that emanates from everywhere and nowhere in particular.
Apathyjunkie
Sound as a pound|
 A-junkie in deep concentration. |
| Born | 13 March.1981
Terra |
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| Marital status | untaken + unsullied |
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| Spouse | playtime interference |
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| Children | no need for 'em now |
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| Occupation | refer to opening salvo |
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| Employer | Unk Sam |
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| Education | ongoing... |
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| High school | long boring story |
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| College | yeah, I been there |
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| Religion | Protestant, with flair |
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| Aliases | Phillip "Big P" Ness, Mr. Pitiful, Vlad Gnitt |
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| Website | forthcoming (I swear) |
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| Blog | forthcoming (I swear) |
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| Email | globexkingpin(at)gmail_dot_com |
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He was born and raised somewhere on the East Coast of the United States, presumably Prince George's County, Maryland. His father, retired as of January 2005, worked for forty-plus years in various capacities for the The Government -- that is, when he wasn't grifting to pay the bills. His mother was an educator and homemaker, her dreams of becoming a taxi dancer put aside some fourteen years earlier, when she instead received Bachelor's degrees in Psychology and English from Johnson C. Smith University.
It can be said of A-junkie that he was a gifted child. He was able to read by age 2 1/2. His reading material included not only the works of Dr. Seuss and Richard Scarry, but also TV Guide, The Yellow Pages, and the Holy Bible. A plaque of the first verse he ever memorized, Psalm 23, rests above his bed in the family home. He also began reading maps, developing a fascination with roads that led some to believe he'd pursue a career in civil engineering -- a forecast that wouldn't hold.
A-junkie survived elementary school, where he frequently made the Honor Roll and was frequently the subject of scorn from his peers because of that fact (to say nothing of his height, weight, style of speak and taste in clothing.) Middle school and high school, he has said, tended to bleed together: six long years of strange alliances, perpetual disenchantment, unrequited love, and diametric opposition to the rampant force of cliquism. He cites scrambled porn and his near-obsessive love of Mystery Science Theater 3000 as the dominant forces that made those particular years bearable. Of the long-running comedy series, he once said: "MST3K got me through some heavy shit. And beyond that, it opened my eyes to the beauty of well-timed sarcasm. Seriously, if MST3K was a beautiful woman, who propositioned me with a weekend of endless unlawful carnal knowledge, I would take that offer, no hesitation, at all.
He completed high school in 1999. In the fall of that year, he matriculated at the University of Maryland, College Park. He spent his first two years "undeclared", picking up bits and pieces of other majors before settling on Communication, with a concentration in Communication Studies. After a four-and-a-half academic career that included both Academic Probation and Dean's List appearances in the span of one year, not to mention dabblings with various substances and awkward dealings with the the opposite sex, he received his Bachelor of Arts in Communication in a formal ceremony in May 2004.
Currently, he works a gubmint job to finance his Spam-can and Kool-Aid lifestyle. He recently completed the necessary coursework towards a graduate certificate in Information Assurance from UMUC. It's believed that UMD's Master of Information Managment program is his next academic destination. He has tried his hand at screenwriting, poetry, and prose, firm in the belief that his ideas are revolutionary when compared to what the entertainment industry currently puts out, and that these ideas will bring him fame, fortune, and a league of hangers-on to do his bidding2. As one can surmise from his major submissions, he is an ardent follower of college athletics, especially those of his alma mater. He is also a film buff who believes that if one were to take David Mamet's writing style and pair it with Michael Mann's visual style, one would have a director that makes all others in the field look irrelvant. In time, he hopes to be that director. He has ecletic tastes in music which are, not in the least, informed by the radio, which he considers to be the tool of Satan's acolytes3.
The Opus (a work in progress)[edit]
He's also compiling accumulated scraps of his own intellectual detritus and other such types of amusing bullshit for a book that he will independently publish when he gets around to it. The world should probably quiver and wretch at that thought.
The Requisite Userbox Assault[edit]
Not that one could encapsulate A-junkie with userboxes, but here's a shot:
| 29 | This user is 29 years old. |
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I would say I'm a cynic but I bet you just wouldn't believe me.
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This user enjoys reading anything.
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 | This user strongly supports the policies and views of Crow T. Robot. |
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Trivia / Useless Minutiae[edit]
A-junkie's birthday, his mother's birthday, and Christmas always fall on the same day of the week, without fail. And He Would Like To Think This was Only A Matter Of Chance...
He scored a 393 on the Wikipediaholic Test. But what is that worth, really?
He stands roughly 1.75m barefoot. But he acts taller than that.
He can recite the films Heat and Glengarry Glen Ross nearly by heart. He would do so for money, if the opportunity were ever to present itself.
At UMCP, he was a classmate of The Real World: Paris contestant Leah Gillingwater. One of her housemates that season, Adam King, is the son of a member of the Commodores, which was fronted by Lionel Richie. Richie recorded Endless Love for the film of the same name, which featured Tom Cruise. In 1992, Cruise appeared in the film version of A Few Good Men, where he starred alongside Kevin Bacon.
Quotables[edit]
Somebody has to cut the grass when it grows. As long as it's not me, all is well in the world.
- Seventy percent, in this regard, is understood as thirty-five percent.
- Delectable feminine pulchritude of high intelligence and adequate progeny-bearing ability is also a pursuit, but then that goes w/o saying.
- Satan's acolytes, in this regard, refers to programming directors, payola-orchestrating label-heads, wack-ass artists, and the automatons who support the entire fraudulent franchise.
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