Wikipedia:Peer review/Blackburn Olympic F.C./archive1

Blackburn Olympic F.C.[edit]

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch • Watch peer review

A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for July 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
An interesting (hopefully) article about a football club which folded 120 years ago this year but played a very important part in the development of professional sport. Please let me know what might need tweaking before I take it to FAC. Cheers!!!

Thanks, ChrisTheDude (talk) 22:26, 28 July 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: This is nicely written, well-organized, and richly detailed without including anything irrelevant. I truly enjoyed reading it even though I know nearly nothing about association football. Here are a just a few suggestions:

Lead

"The club was formed in 1878 and initially competed only in minor local competitions." - "took part" rather than "competed" to avoid repetition?

Formation and early years

"with the help of Sydney Yates, a local iron foundry owner, who invested a large amount of money and would continue to bankroll the club" - "continued" rather than "would continue"?

Success

"They focussed in particular on Olympic's training excursion to Blackpool, suggesting that the players would not have been able to take so much time off work unless the club was paying them some form of wage, and on players who had relocated from other areas to join the club, such as Hunter, who had moved from Sheffield." - Perhaps a bit too complex. The last part, "such as Hunter, who had moved from Sheffield" has gotten separated from "players". Suggestion: They focussed in particular on Olympic's training excursion to Blackpool, suggesting that the players would not have been able to take so much time off work unless the club was paying them some form of wage. They also investigated players such as Hunter, who had moved from Sheffield, and others who had relocated from other areas to join the club."

Decline and collapse

"The club lodged an appeal with the FA based on the encroachment onto the pitch... - Wikilink pitch? It's linked in the next section, but I believe the instance in this section is the first use of the term.

Images

The source links for cottontown.org and are dead on the licensing page for IMAGE:Blackburnrovers facup-1883-84.jpg. This may cause problems when fact-checkers examine the license and can't verify the source. The fix might simply involve tracking down a new url.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 04:20, 3 August 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Many thanks for your comments Finetooth, I will crack on with the things you picked up on later today. The Rovers picture is also in the Soar/Tyler book listed in the refs, so I'll probably just give that as the source. Thanks once again -- ChrisTheDude (talk) 08:00, 3 August 2009 (UTC)[reply]