Wikipedia:Peer review/Jamie Stuart/archive1

Jamie Stuart

• A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for September 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I am hoping to reach GA status.

Thanks, --Jimbo^[online] 20:57, 3 September 2008 (UTC)

Comments by Jameboy (talk · contribs)

• The main part of the article is one big wall of text. Could this be broken up in some way? (for example an image, a quote box or by applying subheaders)
  • Broken up using "Charlton Athletic", "Millwall", "Bury", "Southend United" and "Non-League career" sub headings.
• In 1998, Stuart has previously served a six-month ban from football... (the word "served" immediately establishes the tense, so say when it happened (1998) rather than "previously"). As the ban evidently continued into 1999, you may want to say he "received" a ban rather than "served" it, or you could say he served it "during the 1998–99 season".
  • Changed to "In 1998, Stuart served a six month..."
• add a comma immediately after "Stuart started his career at Charlton Athletic"
  • Done
• In the first "career" paragraph you have linked Charlton Athletic three times. Only the first instance should be linked.
  • Done
• "six-months" should not be hyphenated
  • Done
• "Stuart turned out a following seven times..." - not sure what this means. A further seven times? Or just "seven times"?
  • Changed to "Stuart turned out a further seven times for..."
• "he had an unsuccessful trial with Cambridge United," - needs full stop, not comma
  • Done
• "the clubs' plans to sign the defender were halted" - if it is one club then the apostrophe goes before the s, i.e. "club's plans"
  • Done
• "Stuart played 61 appearances in Third Division," - he played 61 games or made 61 appearances
  • Changed to "made 61 appearances"
• "in the 18-months he was with Bury," 18-months should not be hyphenated (although 18-month period would be, I think)
• "reacted in grabbing Elliott's shirt" - should be "reacted by grabbing Elliott's shirt", I believe
  • Done
• The referee is the adjudicator, so they do more than "claim", even if they get it wrong sometimes. I think it would be better to say that Winter "adjudged" Stuart to have punched his opponent.
  • Changed
• "claiming he wanted to move nearer his family in London" - again the word "claim" should be avoided here, as it sounds like you don't believe him. You could use "saying" instead.
  • Changed
• "He was released from Southend United..."
  • Done
• "possesing" - spelling
  • Changed
• Southend United and Hornchurch are each linked numerous times in one paragraph. Again, the first instance only should be linked, unless the term being linked is distant from that already linked.
  • Done
• I imagine he was handed the captaincy, rather than the captain, for the remainder of the season. Captain should be linked just the once.
  • Changed to captaincy and removed overlinking
• "grevious" should be "grievous" x2. "Grievous bodily harm" should be linked in the last-but-one paragraph rather then the last one.
  • Done

Hope this is useful. --Jameboy (talk) 16:58, 6 September 2008 (UTC)

• Thanks Jameboy, loads of help. Any more comments would be highly appreciated. Cheers, --Jimbo^[online] 19:03, 6 September 2008 (UTC)

Comments by Oldelpaso

• Aside from the infobox and a single mention in passing, we are not told what position Stuart plays. Is is a stopper in the Tony Adams mould? A speedy full-back who likes to get forward?
  • I was a bit puzzled by how to add this in before. Stuart started his career as a left full-back, but was converted to a centre-back when he joined Hornchurch in non-league. I couldn't find any proof of this so thought it was best to leave out. I thought it would have needed to be sourced if added in?
• served a six month ban from football for failing a doping test and was subsequently sacked by Charlton. - this contradicts the time order in the body. Here it says that he served his ban and was then sacked, in the body it says that his sacking and the ban happened at about the same time.
  • Reworded to "In 1998, Stuart was sacked by Charlton and served a six month ban from football for failing a doping test"
• Unless it is a particularly high or low number, the amount of yellow cards received is unimportant.
  • Removed one instance (...picking up one more yellow card before being released). I think the rest show his poor discipline record in the earlier stage of his career.
• It would help the flow and the reader's understanding if more description was added in addition to the number of matches played for each club e.g. "During his 18-month spell with Bury, Stuart was a first-team regular, making 61 appearances..." Similarly, events from a play-off semi are described, this would link in better if we were told that Bury finished in the play-off places while he was playing for them.
  • Done
• which resulted in his nose being broken and reacted by grabbing Elliott's shirt. ought to be reworded, as it could be read as though his nose grabbed Elliott's shirt.
  • Changed to "...being broken and Stuart reacting by grabbing Elliott's shirt."
• Any more information on his rare goals? Given that he is a defender, are they usually headers from set-pieces?
  • Added in one referenced bit about his only goal for Bury. I can't find anything sources for Grays or Charlton. --Jimbo^[online] 13:09, 8 September 2008 (UTC)

Hope this helps. Oldelpaso (talk) 08:16, 8 September 2008 (UTC)

• Thanks Oldelpaso, started to make a few of the changes suggested. Will do the rest when I get a bit more time :-) Thanks, --Jimbo^[online] 08:45, 8 September 2008 (UTC)