Wikipedia:Peer review/Thomas Müller (footballer)/archive1

Thomas Müller (footballer)

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've put quite a lot of work into this article, and I think it's comprehensive, well-written and well-referenced, so I'm keen to know what the next step is.

Thanks, ArtVandelay13 (talk) 14:33, 17 June 2010 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This is a good start and generally easy to read. I can't help much with content or pretend to any football expertise, but I have a few suggestions about prose and style.

• Readers who don't follow football may find some of the jargon puzzling. For example, the phrase "appearing in pre-season friendlies" might make such a reader ask, "What is a friendly"? Another one is "won the tie 12–1 on aggregate." Readers may not know what "on aggregate" means. Another is "playing in a central striking role due to the availability of wide players", which may be misunderstood to mean players who are literally wide (big from side to side). Another is "a prior fixture was cancelled due to the death"; readers may not know what a "fixture" is. You have carefully linked a lot of special terms, so I see that you are aware of the problem of jargon. These four are others that I think might give readers trouble.

• • Done - I've left all of these in, but with links and/or more context. I think there's a trade-off between avoiding jargon and making the page read naturally, for which you need to vary your language.

• The Manual of Style advises against placing images on section boundaries or displacing heads or edit buttons with images. File:Germany-Argentina-2010.JPG should be moved up into the "International career" section.

• • Done

• WP:MOSBOLD advises against using bold for emphasis except in special circumstances. I would suggest eliminating the extra bolding in the "Honours" section.

• • Done

• The article and its sections are short because there isn't yet much to say. Generally, the Manual of Style prefers sections that are longer than "International goals" and "Honours". I assume you plan to expand them as new information becomes available year by year.

• Correct

• Sports biographies at WP:FA often include details about a player's life outside of the game. A possibility for expansion would be to add material about Müller's family (parents, siblings), his school(s), his academic interests, hobbies, any other interests, if any of that can be found in reliable sources.

• Done well, I added what little I could find that seemed relevant.

• Could anything be added about Müller's playing style? What makes him successful?

• • Done

• What do the items under Honours mean? For example, is "Bundesliga (1): 2010" the name of a trophy? I think more detail is needed here for this to make sense to readers not already familiar with football.

• • Done - I've expanded it very slightly, but it's intended as a list summary of what's written above

Lead

• "This earned him an international call-up, and the season culminated in him being named in Germany's squad for the 2010 FIFA World Cup." - A bit awkward. Suggestion: "This earned him an international call-up, and at the end of the season he was named to Germany's squad for the 2010 FIFA World Cup."

• • Done

International career

• "In October of the same year, Müller's regular appearances for Bayern's first team caused German national team coach Joachim Löw to publicly consider him for a call-up,[37][38] and the following month, he was named in the squad for a friendly against Côte d'Ivoire,[39] but a prior fixture was cancelled due to the death of national team goalkeeper Robert Enke,[5] and with the under-21 team facing crucial qualifiers for the 2011 European Championship it was felt by Löw and under-21 coach Rainer Adrion that Müller was needed at that level, and he was called back into the under-21s." - Too complex. I'd suggest re-writing this as two or three separate sentences.

• • Done - re-jigged it

I hope these few comments are helpful. Finetooth (talk) 23:34, 25 June 2010 (UTC)

OK, I've addressed your points above. ArtVandelay13 (talk) 12:45, 30 June 2010 (UTC)