Wikipedia:WikiProject Military history/Assessment/Lisa Nowak
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Article promoted by Gog the Mild (talk) via MilHistBot (talk) 22:14, 15 February 2021 (UTC) « Return to A-Class review list
Lisa Nowak[edit]
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Another article on an astronaut. Hawkeye7 (discuss) 21:32, 30 September 2020 (UTC)
- Image review—pass
- Comment by Buidhe
Although the 2007 incident is a significant event, it is unlikely to have attracted any media coverage if Nowak wasn't already known for being an astronaut. The current size of this section (1,800 words out of a bit more than 5,000 about her life in the body text) seems a UNDUE in that context. (t · c) buidhe 07:38, 2 October 2020 (UTC)
- Not only would it not have attracted media coverage, but Nowak probably wouldn't even have been charged. The saddest cases are the ones drummed out of the services for PTSD, and then denied medical treatment. I have to respect the hard work of other editors, but I have expanded the rest of the article to give it more balance. Hawkeye7 (discuss) 09:31, 2 October 2020 (UTC)
NB: The appearance of this article on the front page in the Did You Know? column garnered 36,330 page views, making it one of the all-time page view leaders. Hawkeye7 (discuss) 22:53, 28 October 2020 (UTC)
Eddie891[edit]
Added to my list Eddie891 Talk Work 00:08, 6 December 2020 (UTC)
- Link Société Honoraire de Français?
- "Caputo received college acceptance letters from" maybe just "Caputo was accepted"?
- ""Getting accepted into flight training was therefore a major achievement," I'm always wary of 'therefore' sentences-- is this bit needed? does it add anything?
- " at Naval Air Station Whiting Field and then trained on the Beechcraft T-34 Mentor" seems, to me, to equate a Naval Air Station to a type of plane (could be read as she went from training at the base to training on the plane) can you perhaps change this up a bit?
- "in small and large-scale exercises " so just "in exercises"?
- "She qualified as a mission commander and electronic warfare lead." any specific date?
- "10 pilot and 25 mission specialist candidates, which included Nowak" as a pilot or mission specialist?
- " they were often packed in" packed in what?
- "In October 2001, she gave birth to twin daughters, Alyssa and Katrina" Per WP:BLPNAME,
The presumption in favor of privacy is strong in the case of family members of articles' subjects and other loosely involved, otherwise low-profile persons. The names of any immediate, former, or significant family members or any significant relationship of the subject of a BLP may be part of an article, if reliably sourced, subject to editorial discretion that such information is relevant to a reader's complete understanding of the subject. However, names of family members who are not also notable public figures must be removed from an article if they are not properly sourced.
Consider removing the names of the children. Ditto with her other son - "which effectively left Nowak a single mother" is
effectively
needed?- She wasn't actually a single mother (yet). Sugesstions
- My bad, I missed that part reading it through, in retrospect I should have remembered it
- She wasn't actually a single mother (yet). Sugesstions
- "three small children" I'd prefer 'young', though its No Big Deal either way
- " personal casualty assistance officer " maybe add a brief gloss about what the position entailed?
- "she soon became a familiar sight to other residents of the complex." I think this could be more explicitly phrased (i.e. "visited the complex often"
- "Among the personal effects she packed for the flight was a small owl figurine of the mascot of Luxmanor Elementary School, a koozie from Tilden Middle School, a banner from Charles W. Woodward High School, an Annapolis Class of 1985 flag, and her grandmother's engagement ring" Strikes me as trivia-- what's the encyclopedic value?
- "Women astronauts" maybe "female"?
- Female Trouble: The Debate Over "Woman" as an Adjective (New Yorker); 'Female' Is Now a Dirty Word (Time). Hawkeye7 (discuss) 00:50, 9 December 2020 (UTC)
- "It was more challenging to operate than the one of the Space Shuttle, as it is larger " "was [. . .] is" doesn't mesh well, imo
rewritten in the past tense.
- "it had traveled five million miles" Should this be {{convert}}ed?
- "latex gloves, a black wig, a BB pistol and ammunition, pepper spray, a hooded tan trench coat, a 2-pound (0.91 kg) drilling hammer, black gloves, rubber tubing, plastic garbage bags, approximately $585 in cash, her computer, an 8-inch (200 mm) Gerber folding knife and several other items" can any of these items be folded into 'and several items' for readiblity?
- "Some indicated that NASA's presentation of astronauts as heroes is part " "indicated [. . .] is" doesn't mesh too well, imo
- "because of the social pressure." feels to me llike it's wanting of a "pressure to?
- " that he did not retrieve" recieve?
- "over 100 calls were recorded" can you mix up to avoid the potential reading that the calls were recorded (like on tape)?
- Some of the popular culture mentions strike me as trivial
That's it from me-- really interesting, well done article on the whole. All of my comments are, as always, suggestions rather than orders, open to discussion. Cheers, Eddie891 Talk Work 23:14, 8 December 2020 (UTC)
Text review by Neopeius (support as of 12-12-20)[edit]
Lede
*"in over 30 different aircraft, and was" Commas are unnecessary before dependent clause (and there are many places in the article appropriately without such commas, so this should be fixed to be consistent as well as grammatically correct). Delete or make ", and she was"
Early life and education
- "she watched the Apollo 11 Moon landing, and became interested" comma unnecessary before dependent clause
- "She was a girl scout,[5] and a member of the" delete comma
- "Female cadets were still harassed
fromsome male classmates" "by" - "and occasionally a professor would inform a class that he did not think women belonged there" Add "male" before "professor" to make clear you aren't using "he" generally.
- "What impressed me", she later said, Put comma before quotation mark.
- MOS:LQ: For the most part, this means treating periods and commas in the same way as question marks: keep them inside the quotation marks if they apply only to the quoted material and outside if they apply to the whole sentence. The comma here belongs outside, not being part of the original quote. Hawkeye7 (discuss) 01:02, 8 December 2020 (UTC)
- that each of their parts was so important". Put period before quotation mark.
"Caputo completed primary flight training at Naval Air Station Whiting Field, and then trained" comma unnecessary before dependent clause- and changed her last name to "Nowak" single quotes (when quotations exist in an article, it's good practice to not use double quotes for anything else.
- MOS:DOUBLE: Double quotation marks are preferred to single Hawkeye7 (discuss) 01:02, 8 December 2020 (UTC)
*"writing a thesis on "Computational Investigations of a NACA 0012 Airfoil in Low Reynolds Number Flows"." Use italics for article title rather than quotes (same reasoning; also, publications later in article are italicized)
"During her career in the Navy, Nowak logged over 1,500 hours of flight time in over 30 different aircraft, and was awarded" ", and she was awarded"
Astronaut training
*"she was one of 150 finalists deemed highly qualified, and was asked" ", and she was asked"
- "Because there
wasso many of them, they were" "were" - "Her husband Richard was" add commas before and after Richard
- "Training for a weightless environment was conducted in the waters of the Weightless Environment Training Facility, and in the" comma before dependent clause is unnecessary
- "Charles Hobaugh as the pilot" delete "as"
- "The Space Shuttle Columbia disaster, killed seven astronauts" add "on February 1, 2003" after "disaster"
- "They were dropped off in the wilderness in northern Quebec, and had" comma before dependent clause is unnecessary
"She left personal effects there, and soon became" comma before dependent clause is unnecessary
Space Flight
*"and her classmate Stephanie Wilson would" add commas before and after Stephanie Wilson
- "STS-121, the second Return to Flight mission, was postponed" delete ", the second Return to Flight mission" (it's already described as such upstream)
- "After she entered orbit, Nowak felt
nauseous," "nauseated" (nauseous is an adjective meaning it causes nausea :) ) - "underside of the spacecraft using
asensitive laser, digital and video camera" delete "a" - "The women were considered for this activity; when NASA trimmed the space suit budget in the 1990s, small sizes were omitted." Do you mean "were not considered"?
"Discovery undocked from the International Space Station, and commenced" Comma unnecessary before dependent clause
Homecoming
*"They attended X Games XII at the Home Depot Center in Los Angeles from August 3 to 6, and the Houston Astros game at Minute Maid Park on August 14. The crew got to meet" Suggest "on August 14, where the crew got to meet"
- "she had carried on the Space Shuttle, and signed photographs of herself" Comma unnecessary before dependent clause
- "for its Mother's Day issue, and presented awards" Comma unnecessary before dependent clause
- "she spoke to the children, and attended celebrations" Comma unnecessary before dependent clause
- "and the National Space Centre in Leicester, and spoke" Comma unnecessary before dependent clause
- Make the paragraph beginning "Nowak's marriage" the first paragraph in of the Orlando Airport incident.
"Nowak's purple bicycle being kept at Oefelein's place, and asked him" Comma unnecessary before dependent clause
Altercation
*"Nowak drove from Houston to Orlando, Florida, on February 4–5, 2007." This sentence comes out of nowhere (even if you move the paragraph regarding her marriage from the prior section to here). Suggest reversing the order (start with the date) and add "with the intention of confronting Shipman." (and possibly injuring, killing, or kidnapping her, but the only ultimate charge was burglary and battery so you don't need to give any more context. :) )
- "Several Orlando Police Department Airport Division officers arrived minutes later, with the first office" Comma unnecessary before dependent clause
- "Shipman referred to Nowak as an acquaintance of a boyfriend, but did not identify" Commas can get placed before dependent clauses if they are contrasting, and in this case, also to be consistent with similar usage downstream.
- " in a relationship with Oefelein which she described" add comma before "which"
- but less than a romantic relationship". Put period before quote.
Arraignment
- While arguing for pre-trial release Nowak's attorney remarked, "One's good works must count for something". Put period before quote.
- "There was widespread reaction to Nowak's arrest with concerns expressed" Add "public" before "reaction"
"For her work as a member of the crew of STS-121, NASA announced on May 30, 2007, that Nowak would receive the NASA Space Flight Medal at Johnson Space Center on June 5, 2007.[93]" This should go elsewhere, perhaps "After NASA" or an Awards section.
After NASA
*"A Naval administrative panel of consisting of" delete first "of"
"had to be reviewed by the Naval Personnel Command, and would ultimately be" unnecessary comma before dependent clause
In Popular Culture
*"Rocket Man" italicize
- "Road Trip" italicize
- "Cologne" italicize
- "My Two Dads" italicize
"Hoops" italicize
@Hawkeye7: Fantastic work. Very few changes needed. I would ask that, before I work on Shuttle-Centaur that you do a search for any commas before dependent clauses and either delete them or make them independent clauses (generally by adding a pronoun) as required. That would make my editing much easier. Thank you! :) --Neopeius (talk) 22:47, 7 December 2020 (UTC)
@Hawkeye7: Support --Neopeius (talk) 19:46, 12 December 2020 (UTC)
Source review - pass[edit]
Claiming. Hog Farm Talk 16:37, 3 February 2021 (UTC)
Ref numbers are from this revision, although I'll also try to provide some context to help clarify which references I am referring to.
- Would it be better to just cite the code directly, instead of thebalancecareers.com? Is that citation duplicated by the other two for that sentence?
- "The Smoking Gun" is not a great source, even for hosting the police report. And really, I'm not entirely sure a charging affidavit is a good source for what it's citing here.
- I don't think using the charging affidavit hosted by Orlando Police is in compliance with WP:BLPPRIMARY; since it's a BLP article, we need extra care with using high-quality sources given the criminal acts are attributed to the person.
- WP:BLPPRIMARY: Where primary-source material has been discussed by a reliable secondary source, it may be acceptable to rely on it to augment the secondary source It's covered by the other cited sources, and is just there to give the reader access to the primary source. Hawkeye7 (discuss) 19:11, 3 February 2021 (UTC)
- Ref 115 is more court records. While it's just supporting trial events, can we find a non-primary source for this, per BLPPRIMARY? Also, the source is missing the publisher
- Mark ref 123 as a press release
- Ref 132 is dead
- Ref 136 can we get a secondary source to prove this is actually significant?
- Ref 137, can we get a secondary source to prove this is actually significant?
- Genius is user-generated, not RS
Spot checks coming later. Hog Farm Talk 17:37, 3 February 2021 (UTC)
Spot checks at User:Hog Farm/spot checks/Lisa Nowak. A couple things, but overall satisfactory. Hog Farm Talk 04:20, 4 February 2021 (UTC)
Supporting by Sturmvogel_66[edit]
- Clarify if Nowak and Wilson replaced Fossum and Noriega or not.
- Looks good.--Sturmvogel 66 (talk) 21:22, 15 February 2021 (UTC)
- 640 kilograms Put this into adjectival format
- Nicely done. Only these few nits to deal with.--Sturmvogel 66 (talk) 19:43, 15 February 2021 (UTC)