Wikipedia:WikiProject Military history/Peer review/Beaumont-Hamel Newfoundland Memorial

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Beaumont-Hamel Newfoundland Memorial‎[edit]

This is a preserved First World War battlefield park located in France. The article has been completely rewritten in the hopes of getting it to a GA quality level. I also hope to use it as a template to improve other First World War battlefield memorials to which none are currently at a GA level.

I am seeking peer review in order to make sure the layout is sound and the delivery clear. Some referencing work and copy-editing is still needed and is ongoing, so please look beyond these factors during review. Constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated. --Labattblueboy (talk) 23:45, 15 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

YellowMonkey[edit]

Well done. It looks good. Well structured and written

  • It's good that you have explained the history of NFL in WWI to show the impact of the war and thereby the need for memorial, but I am surprised on how large this part of the article is.
I agree however it works as a good concise summary for the amount of data that needs to be convered. Three separate histories need to be included. That of the regiment, that of the battle and that of the memorial site. Can you offer any suggestions for improvement if you believe this is an issue? --Labattblueboy (talk) 12:56, 19 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Hadn't gotten around to the dash work yet. Planning on doing that after the format and basics are down.  Doing... --Labattblueboy (talk) 12:56, 19 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Patar knight[edit]

Good job, it's a nice articles. A couple of points:

  • Perhaps you should mention the Vimy memorial as the other Canadian National Historic site located outside of Canada. (It is Vimy, right?)
  • The first section title (History) doesn't seem to fit the subject of the article. Perhaps Background would work better? Or a combination of the two (e.g. Historical background)?
  • Per YellowMonkey, the "History" section needs to be cut down and summarized. In its current state, it is only slightly shorter than the section about the information about the actual memorial site. and that's not including the establishment sub-section. Many of the points and citations could be merged to the history section of the Royal Newfoundland Regiment article, which desperately needs them. Some hatnotes to the main articles (e.g. Battle of the Somme, Royal Newfoundland Regiment) would be nice too.
  • The "Memorial site established" sub-section could be split off into its own section (e.g. History).
  • The "Influence on Newfoundland" section might be confusing to readers. It deals with the attack against Beaumont-Hamel's significance, and not that of the memorial. --Patar knight - chat/contributions 17:10, 21 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Magicpiano[edit]

Second the well done; the organization and flow is pretty good (although, as you say, it still needs copyediting). I'll only take issue with the first sentence:

  • The Beaumont-Hamel Newfoundland Memorial is a memorial site in France dedicated to the commemoration of Dominion of Newfoundland forces ...

There are four nearly-redundant words here (Memorial, memorial, dedicated, commemoration), can we remove some?

  • The Beaumont-Hamel Newfoundland Memorial is a site in France dedicated to the [memory of] Dominion of Newfoundland forces ...

I think there is room for confusion on the military history, and the history of the establishment of the memorial (even if you do summarize the military history some more, as others suggest). I find it potentially confusing having a section entitled just "History" (maybe "Establishment of the monument"?). (I was looking at this version.)

-- Magic♪piano 13:15, 14 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

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