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Talk:Bruno Mars/GA1

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GA Review

[edit]

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: Adabow (talk · contribs) 04:44, 3 February 2011 (UTC)[reply]

I will be continuing the review shortly. Adabow (talk · contribs) 04:44, 3 February 2011 (UTC)[reply]


Resolved issues from Silverskylines

Checklist

  1. Well-written:
  2. (a) the prose is clear, concise, and understandable to an appropriately broad audience; spelling and grammar are correct
    (b) it complies with the Manual of Style guidelines for lead sections, layout, words to watch, fiction, and list incorporation
  3. Verifiable with no original research:
  4. (a) it contains a list of all references (sources of information), presented in accordance with the layout style guideline
    (b) reliable sources are cited inline. All content that could reasonably be challenged, except for plot summaries and that which summarizes cited content elsewhere in the article, must be cited no later than the end of the paragraph (or line if the content is not in prose)
    (c) it contains no original research
  5. Broad in its coverage:
  6. (a) it addresses the main aspects of the topic
    (b) it stays focused on the topic without going into unnecessary detail (see summary style)
  7. Neutral: it represents viewpoints fairly and without editorial bias, giving due weight to each
  8. Stable: it does not change significantly from day to day because of an ongoing edit war or content dispute
  9. Illustrated, if possible, by media such as images, video, or audio
  10. (a) media are tagged with their copyright statuses, and valid non-free use rationales are provided for non-free content
    (b) media are relevant to the topic, and have suitable captions

Judgment: Please fix the issues in the article within the next 14 days. If not, I can't pass it.

Review

Spelling/Grammar?: I'm not going to list all of the grammatical issues, but I will list the most blatant.

  • There is a very heavy usage of the passive voice. In the lead, I saw "He has been nominated..." (Why not "He was nominated...").
Comment: It says "He has been nominated" because the 53rd Grammy Awards has not happened yet. Basilisk4u (talk) 21:18, 27 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • Some awkward/questionable sentence structure. Again, for example...
    • "Hernandez was one of six children and came from a musical family giving him a diverse mix of reggae, rock, hip hop, and R&B."
      • Possible change: "With his family's activity in music, Mars came from a diverse musical background anchored in reggae, rock, hip hop, and R&B." or something; it still sounds awkward.
 Done - by Basilisk4u
    • "He attended President Theodore Roosevelt High School, graduating in 2003 at the age of seventeen, and shortly after moved to Los Angeles, California to pursue a musical career."
      • Possible change: "In 2003, shortly after graduating from President Theodore Roosevelt at the age of seventeen, Mars moved to Los Angeles, California to pursue a musical career."
 Done - by Basilisk4u
  • The entire final paragraph of the "Early life and beginnings" section is rather awkwardly written. For example, what's an A&R? "... took a long time to convince his label employers" sounds like it could be written shorter.
    • "According to the A&R executive in an interview with HitQuarters, Mars had made it clear from the beginning that although his ultimate goal was to be a solo artist he was willing to write and produce, both to attract recognition for his talents and help him discover the type of artist he ultimately wanted to be."
      • This paraphrase is strange. I recommend using the actual quote.
Working on it :) Basilisk4u (talk) 21:18, 27 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • Be careful of saying more than needed. For example...
    • "...international hits..." is kind of loaded. Maybe a word different than "hits".
    • "He is known for lending his vocals and co-writing the hooks for the songs..." (Why not "He co-wrote and lent his vocals for...")
    • "... Brandy, and Sean Kingston, as well as Flo Rida in the international hit "Right Round".
      • Considering the overall sentence structure, this is kind of awkward as "Flo Rida" has no clear antecedent and does not refer to the original subject (list of songs Mars wrote)
      • In other words, consider combining the part of Flo Rida with the following one. It'll flow better.
 Done - by Basilisk4u
  • The article frequently switches between referring to the artist as "Hernandez" and "Mars". Choose one to use. I'd recommend "Mars" as that's the most likely reference.
 Done - by Basilisk4u
  • The quote following the blurb about him being "Little Elvis" makes it look like that was part of the magazine article. Perhaps edit the syntax.
 Done - by Basilisk4u

Manual of Style?

  • The lead is okay, but could probably be expanded. It doesn't adequately summarize everything. I like the inclusion of information on his singles, though.
  • The discography section should be its own article and a summary written which links to it.
 Done by Yves (talk) 22:17, 26 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • The awards and nomination section should be put in a table.
 Done by Yves

References as in line with guide to layout?

  • Okay, for the most part, this is pretty good.
  • Some references are in the middle of sentences that would do just as fine at the end.
 Done - by Basilisk4u
  • Don't need to site his real name and birth date in the lead. That can be done within the body at "life and career." (this is kind of off-topic, but that'd also be better to describe why he uses the monikor instead of his real name)
 Done by Yves (talk)
  • Page numbers/Web site links needed for newspaper articles 34 and 35
 Done - by Basilisk4u
  • Cite the first quote in "musical styles"
 Done - by Basilisk4u

Broad in coverage: Main aspects?

  • The "musical styles" section is extremely lacking
I agree, I'm working on adding more. The Doo-Wops & Hooligans article has a lot on this, so I might be able to use some of that information. Basilisk4u (talk) 21:18, 27 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • I feel dirty when I say this, but there's no information on his personal life or personal beliefs. Yeeeech, I feel like a paparazzi.
I can't really find any reliable sources that talk about whether he is in a relationship, and he is not particularly outspoken about any of his beliefs. However, if something does come up, I will certainly add it to the page. Basilisk4u (talk) 21:18, 27 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • No information on influences; possibly could be converged with musical styles?

Board in converage: Details?

  • May be much, much easier to read/understand if the information about his life, solo music career, and producer career were split up. A lot of it seems discursive.
I agree, but I am a bit unsure about how to divide it up. Would you recommend putting the quotes about Elvis and the "Growing up in Hawaii made me the man I am..." into the musical styles? Basilisk4u (talk) 21:41, 27 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]

It's been a month since the last comment here. What's the status of this review? Wizardman Operation Big Bear 06:07, 25 January 2011 (UTC)[reply]

I'll wrap this review up tonight since the reviewer hasn't edited in forever. Wizardman Operation Big Bear 13:47, 31 January 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you Wizardman! I almost forgot about this review. How is the article looking? Basilisk4u (talk) 23:54, 1 February 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Life and career

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Musical style

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Awards and nominations

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  • Include some of the more notable awards in the prose
  • Why are the Soul and Jazz Awards in a separate table
    • No idea. I've removed them, since both a Google search and a Google News search reveals nothing for "Soul and Jazz Awards". I've tried searching some of the award categories with nominated works, too (e.g. "Doo-Wops & Hooligans Best Album R&B of the Year"), but nothing shows up. There is no reference, anyway, and I've left a message on the talk page of the editor who added these. Yves (talk) 08:01, 3 February 2011 (UTC)[reply]

References

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Other

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Shouldn't take too long to fix up. Adabow (talk · contribs) 05:09, 3 February 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Dammit, I always forget to review the lead (I do it last):
  • joining The Smeezingtons is not mentioned in the body
  • Mention Grammys in prose, too
  • Write a paragraph on musical style

Adabow (talk · contribs) 08:18, 3 February 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Everything seems to have been addressed, so I will now (finally!) list the article. Do try to add some musical style info to the lead, though. Adabow (talk · contribs) 08:32, 5 February 2011 (UTC)[reply]