Talk:Carrie Langston Hughes

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A fact from Carrie Langston Hughes appeared on Wikipedia's Main Page in the Did you know column on 4 April 2019 (check views). The text of the entry was as follows:

Did you know... that, at age 60, Carrie Langston Hughes made her Broadway debut as Sister Susie May Hunt in Hall Johnson's Run Little Chillun?

A record of the entry may be seen at Wikipedia:Recent additions/2019/April. The nomination discussion and review may be seen at Template:Did you know nominations/Carrie Langston Hughes.

Wikipedia

some more feedback![edit]

Hi @De Pisan: I'm here to leave you some feedback! I went ahead and added a references section to the article, as that is customarily included. Some suggestions I have for you:

Review Wikipedia's list of words and phrases to watch. This will help you avoid any issues with tone such as cliches, puffery, euphemisms, and editorializing (among other common issues)
References usually go after punctuation per the Manual of Style. So instead of "sent to Mary as a sign of his death[4]," it would be "sent to Mary as a sign of his death,[4]" and so on for other periods and commas.
Wikipedia policies is that the subjects of biographies should be referred to by their surnames only after establishing the full name of the subject, as you did in the lead. So you should refer to the subject as "Langston" or "Carrie Langston" if there could be confusion with her son, for example, but never just "Carrie".
Make sure you're using neutral words and phrasing. When you say ...she became a star, I wonder if that is neutral and verifiable. What were the objective facts that made her time there stand out? Employ those kinds of words and phrasing instead.
- Again with Carrie Mercer Langston was a bonafide "belle of black society", I'm not sure "bonafide" is encyclopedic and neutral
- ambitious James Hughes
- Basically, if you are going to ascribe adjectives to people, you have to have a factual, stated rationale for doing so.
- struck by a tremendous earthquake what magnitude earthquake was it? Including that detail could justify your usage of the word "tremendous"
- One last glimmer in the limelight watch out for cliches
- Carrie Langston succumbed to breast cancer 2 things here: does the source explicitly state that she had breast cancer? In the preceding sentence you state that she said she had a tumor. Without a source saying so, be careful of connecting the dots yourself. If a source doesn't say what the cause of death was and name it as breast cancer, then we can't, either. Also here, watch out for euphemisms. Instead of "succumbed", just say "died"
This litany of names can be likened to the long list of locations in which Carrie Langston lived with and without her son during his coming up I don't understand your meaning here
Make sure you are telling the story of Carrie Langston and not her son. Towards the end, you talk of her discovering a tumor. Sandwiched between that sentence and the sentence stating her death, you have " In November of that same year, Langston Hughes' play Mulatto begins a two-year run on Broadway." I don't feel like this sentence belongs there, and perhaps not in the article at all

I'm sorry that a lot of my advice is essentially to make your writing less interesting! Wikipedia strives to have a "encyclopedic tone" so that means that it should be free of a lot of the embellishments that make writing fun to read :( Let me know if you have questions about any of this feedback! Elysia (Wiki Ed) (talk) 20:44, 20 February 2019 (UTC)[reply]