Talk:Fredy Hirsch/GA1
The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
GA Review[edit]
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Reviewer: Vami IV (talk · contribs) 11:27, 30 October 2018 (UTC)
Opening statement[edit]
I am reviewing this article as the WikiProject Germany Coordinator, and am on good terms with the article nominator, Catrìona.
In reviews I conduct, I may make small copyedits. These will only be limited to spelling and punctuation (removal of double spaces and such). I will only make substantive edits that change the flow and structure of the prose if I previously suggested and it is necessary. For replying to Reviewer comment, please use 
Done, 
Fixed, 
Added, 
Not done, 
Doing..., or 
Removed, followed by any comment you'd like to make. I will be crossing out my comments as they are redressed, and only mine. A detailed, section-by-section review will follow. —Vami♜_IV♠ 11:27, 30 October 2018 (UTC)
Referencing[edit]
I have no comment to make on the references themselves, but will discuss the notes here as per my custom. —Vami♜_IV♠ 20:40, 30 October 2018
a:Dirk Kämper found no evidence that Hirsch had ever been enrolled there, but found that he probably attended lectures.
"Found" is used twice here and to the detriment of the sentence.
Fixed
b:Brno [...] Czechoslovakia
Link.
Done
d: Why is this here? / Why does this exist?
Removed
- Just a note: sorry if that comment came off as confrontational. –Vami
Early life[edit]
As it is, this section reminds me of Belgium. "Germany" deals with Hirsch's early life and education in Germany, while "Czechoslovakia" details his flight from Germany and work in Czechoslovakia and work during the early Holocaust. I would delete the "Germany" header and move "Czechoslovakia" to "Holocaust". —Vami♜_IV♠ 20:56, 30 October 2018 (UTC)
- The Wikipedia article on the Holocaust states that "The Holocaust was a genocide during World War II in which Nazi Germany, aided by its collaborators, systematically murdered some six million European Jews... between 1941 and 1945." In my opinion, it would not be appropriate to move the section to make it sound like the Holocaust started in 1935.
Hirsch took over the leadership of the scouting branch of the local Aachen Jewish youth association
This scouting?
- Done
Jüdischer Pfadfinderbund Deutschland
Translate name (Jewish Scouting Association of Germany, if I'm not mistaken) and put in the parentheses following the German name.
- Done
Fredy and Paul
Frequent occurrence here. Replace with surnames per MOS:SURNAME.
- Per the relevant subsection of the linked policy MOS:SAMESURNAME,
To distinguish between people with the same surname in the same article or page, use given names or complete names to refer to each of the people upon first mention. For subsequent uses, refer to them by their given names for clarity and brevity.
- Oh. I missed that they were brothers. I've added their shared surname to establish the connection for buffoons like me. –Vami
- Per the relevant subsection of the linked policy MOS:SAMESURNAME,
Survivors reported that Czech songs were written about him.
Not really the best place for this to be. This is also inexact; I would assume from the prose quoted here that are indeed Czech-language songs about Fredy Hirsch.
- Where do you think it should go? I considered putting it in the Legacy section, but it would be clumsy to then add that the songs dated to this particular time period. Specifying "Czech-language" would be redundant since the previous sentence specifically mentions the Czech language.
The Holocaust[edit]
Paragraph two of "Theresienstadt" should be simplified, as it does not come off as NPOV. My main bone to pick with this is this sentence:He maintained good posture and an impeccable appearance, including combed hair and polished boots,[14][25] and reportedly continued to pomade his hair at Auschwitz.[31]
- This is how it's reflected in the sources, but I've altered the wording to be more encyclopedic.
As of time of writing, the first sentence of paragraph two establishes that Hirsch is confident, and sentences one and two establish that he is pretty. Consider whittling down the sentenceBecause of Hirsch's German heritage, his confidence, and his appearance, he was able to establish a good relationship with SS guards even though he was Jewish and openly gay.
- Cut
Jews from Theresienstadt
First sentence in "Auschwitz" used this, no need to use it again for the second.
- Fixed
Hirsch was initially appointed the lagerälteste of the family camp,
Delete "initially".
- Removed
Arno Böhm
Who is this?
- Fixed
German criminal Arno Böhm
This still doesn't tell me who Arno Böhm is. –Vami
- He was sent to Auschwitz after being convicted of murder, but I'm not sure how that is germane to Hirsch.
a children's opera was performed
Just once?
- The source is not clear if there was a repeat performance.
and supplies were scrounged
I have an issue with using the word "scrounge" here. It makes it sound like like Hirsch and associates were digging those supplies out of the trash or begging for them, rather than convincing the Germans to furnish them as Hirsch had done prior.
- Removed
According to Zuzana Růžičková, on one occasion, Hirsch said to an SS man, "Herr Oberscharführer, who have you killed and looted today?"[i] in order to distract him from Růžičková's unauthorized presence.
There's no transition to this from the rest of the paragraph, and I don't know where Růžičková was or why.
- Fixed
[...] because he did not smoke.
Redundant, remove.
- Removed
it was performed on 23 January.
Break this clause off into its own sentence and include the year.
- Done
The appreciation that Hirsch received for his untiring efforts is shown by a surprise birthday party that the children threw for him on 11 February 1944 for his 28th birthday.
Not NPOV, uses present-tense. Simplify.
- Done, although this is how the party is presented in the source!
GA progress[edit]
Good Article review progress box
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