The text of the entry was: Did you know ... that Kerry-Ann Booth, the girlfriend of footballerGreg Young(pictured), did not see him on the losing side of a game for Halifax Town for the first four years of their relationship?
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"He was released at the end of the 2001–02 season and joined fellow First Division team Grimsby Town in July 2002 following a trial, who signed him to initially play in the reserves". Not good. Would suggest "He was released at the end of the 2001–02 season, and was signed by fellow First Division team Grimsby Town in July 2002 following a trial, initially to play in the reserves."
"He eventually made his first team debut after starting in a 2–1 defeat to Reading on 26 April 2003"? He made his first team debut after starting? How does that work?
Reworded to "He eventually made his first team debut by starting..." Mattythewhite (talk) 23:22, 1 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
"However, he suffered a dislocated shoulder in a 4–4 draw at Chesterfield on 27 March 2004, and despite the team conceding four goals he was described as the "stand-out performer"." Something about this doesn't read right to me. Was he taken off due to the injury? If so, were the goals before or after that? Why was he the "stand-out performer"?
Possible reword the above to something like "Young was described as the "stand-out performer" in a 4-4 draw at Chesterfield on 27 March 2004, despite suffering a dislocated shoulder during the match."
Why did a cold require treatment from a physiotherapist?
Expanded by mentioning it put him out of action. Mattythewhite (talk) 23:22, 1 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
"signed for Conference team Halifax Town on a free transfer on 25 February 2005 after signing" - "sign" (or deriatives of "sign") used twice in quick succession. Would suggest changing to "moved to Conference team Halifax Town on a free transfer on 25 February 2005 after signing" or something similar to avoid repetitiveness.
Afraid not, Google, BBC, Halifax Town website etc don't seem to show anything. Mattythewhite (talk) 23:22, 1 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
"semi-final victory over Grays Athletic 5–4 on aggregate". Missing words?
Expanded to "He played in both legs of Halifax's play-off semi-final victory over Grays Athletic, which the team won 5–4 on aggregate". Mattythewhite (talk) 23:22, 1 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
"released by Halifax following their financial collapse". This must be a better way of wording this than "financial collapse". Seems overly dramatic.
Reworded to "Young was released by Halifax while they were enduring financial difficulties". Mattythewhite (talk) 23:22, 1 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
"which ensured Altrincham would stay out of a fight against relegation" --> "which ensured Altrincham would not be in a relegation position" or similar.
Several prose problems are present and need to be worked on. Otherwise the article is in good shape.
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