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Talk:James P. Hagerstrom/GA1

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GA Review

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Reviewer: Zawed (talk · contribs) 10:16, 29 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]

I will review. Generally this is pretty good, but there are several tweaks that could be made to the prose to tighten it up. Initial comments:

Infobox

  • Birth/death dates in infobox inconsistent with body of article.

Lead

Early life and education

  • "..when he was thirteen and got the opportunity to experience a short flight..."; this could be more concise, for example, "...when he was thirteen he had a short flight..."

World War II

  • I feel the first two sentences need to be slightly reorganised: "...he enlisted in the U.S. Army Air Force...". Of course, this affects the following sentence so "formally sworn into the air force." (or USAAF, which ever you prefer)
  • "Hagerstrom spent about six weeks with his older brother Robert, who was concurrently in basic training." Suggest rephrasing to "Along with his brother Robert who had also enlisted, Hagerstrom spent about six weeks in basic training." Do we know when his brother enlisted?
  • What unit was he in while at Mrytle Beach?
  • "After that, in late September, he and about forty others were sent to San Francisco, California for the 8th Fighter Squadron of the 49th Operations Group." Suggest rephrasing to: "In late September he was posted to the 8th Fighter Squadron of the 49th Operations Group and sent to San Francisco, California." Then "After staying at the Mark Hopkins Hotel, he and forty other personnel..."
  • Needs a sentence to state that the squadron was being sent to Aussie and what aircraft it flew (later in this section the 8th is described as being a P-40 squadron but I think this should introduced earlier. Also that Wurtsmith was commander of 49th Group, otherwise there is no context for why he was ordering a refresher session.
  • There is some inconsistency as to how you mention the squadron in its shortened form; 8th FS, 8th. I prefer 8th FS, but it should be introduced as a abbreviation after the squadron is first mentioned in its full form.
  • "...attacks, with little activity." Suggest rephrasing to: "...attacks, but saw little action."
  • "...getting in firing..." Suggest rephrasing to "...getting within firing..."
  • "Following a mission and..." Mission? Not sure what you trying say here?
  • "...an attempt to rescue two P-38s escorting bombers..." I think rescue should be assist - I assume they were under attack from the 10-15 enemy aircraft? Otherwise I'm not sure why the P-38s needed rescuing.

Postwar

Korean War

  • It needs to be clarified that the 334th FS was part of 18th Wing and perhaps mention that not all the wing were equipped with the F-86. This would provide better context for the transfer to Osan.
  • Antung Airfiled should be explicitly mentioned as being an enemy base. This gives context for the boxed quote.
  • "...six MiGs in no formation..." In no formation? Not sure what you are trying say here?
  • "Before the Air Force sent him back to the U.S...." I'm not that familiar with the Air National Guard. Is Hagerstrom in Korea as part of that or did he transfer to the air force (and it is the air force at this stage, not the USAAF? If so, mention the United States Air Force in full on first mention). This may affect the lead as well.
    • It is the Air Force, as the USAAF was dissolved shortly after WWII. He entered the war in the National Guard but when he transferred to the 334th FS he also transferred to the Air Force. I've clarified this there and in the lead. ~HueSatLum 01:42, 5 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • Some inconsistency in presentation: United States (earlier in the article) versus U.S. (here and below). Also half kills .5 versus the half symbol.

Later work

  • Should state that he stayed in the air force.
  • "He led a..." suggest "He commanded a..."
  • "...he was sent to Vietnam..." suggest "...he was posted to Vietnam..."

Retirement and death

References

Other stuff

  • Several duplicate links: malaria, North American P-51 Mustang, William T. Whisner, Jr. 8th Fighter Squadron
  • Image tags look OK
  • No dab links
  • External links check out OK

Happy to discuss any of the suggestions I have made here. I still have to finish checking the prose and will get to this in the next few days. Cheers. Zawed (talk) 10:16, 29 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for taking this review. I am quite busy at the moment, but I will address these as soon as I can. ~HueSatLum 12:46, 29 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
I have finished off my review of the prose. I might have missed a few things and will pick these up (or fix them myself) once you had a chance to consider my suggestions above. Cheers. Zawed (talk) 09:17, 30 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
I have addressed most of your suggestions and will pick up when I have more time. ~HueSatLum 04:14, 31 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Apologies, I forgot about continuing this and thought the ball was in your court. I have addressed the remaining issues. ~HueSatLum 01:42, 5 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]
HueSatLum, this is looking good, I have made a few minor tweaks myself going through the article again. The only matter still requiring attention is the dates in the infobox. I suggest dropping the days altogether and using the Birth year and age template (and its death equivalent). These both allow you to use the month as a parameter. At least that way we get a reasonably accurate age on death. The alternative is to not use a template at all and just write it manually. I didn't see anything in the MOS for the infox template against this. Zawed (talk) 23:45, 7 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]
I have switched it to just month and year using a variant of that template. Thanks, ~HueSatLum 23:59, 7 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]
All good, have passed as GA. Good work. Zawed (talk) 01:24, 8 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]