Talk:Jessie Murray/Archive 1

Archive 1

Churchill sentence

Re: this, yes, it's clear what is meant, but it's bad writing:

"Their published memorandum was presented to the Home Office, along with a formal request for a public inquiry; the Home Secretary, Winston Churchill, refused to do so."

"To do so" needs to refer back to something grammatically. I changed it to "refused the request", but you reverted.

Compare: "The article was nominated for GA status. The reviewer refused to do so." We know what is meant but we have to work it out. The syntax doesn't tell us. SarahSV ^(talk) 18:42, 6 June 2018 (UTC)

Because "refused the request" was bad writing, with the repetition of request. - SchroCat (talk) 18:47, 6 June 2018 (UTC)

Then change it to something better. Reverting to re-introduce the mistake is senseless. SarahSV ^(talk) 19:06, 6 June 2018 (UTC)

Errrmmm.... it was done 20 minutes before you posted that comment. - SchroCat (talk) 19:19, 6 June 2018 (UTC)

I meant instead of reverting. SarahSV ^(talk) 19:25, 6 June 2018 (UTC)

"and you know I meant that. Stop doing this." 1. No, I didn't know what you meant, which is why I answered as I did. 2. Doing what, exactly? Actually, don't bother answering, I'm off. - SchroCat (talk) 19:38, 6 June 2018 (UTC)

Suggestions

This text follows one of the sources (Valentine 2009) very closely, so it should be rewritten a little. For example (there is also an error in the following):

• Valentine:

• Jessie Margaret Murray was born on February 9, 1867, in Hazaribagh, northeast India, the eldest daughter of Hugh Hildyard and Frances Jane Murray. Her father was serving at the time as a lieutenant in the 16th Brigade of the Royal Artillery. Jessie’s two sisters, Mary Ethel, five years younger, and Edith May, thirteen years younger, were also born in India. About 1880, when Jessie would have been 13 years old, Frances Murray and her children returned to Scotland, and were living in Edinburgh in 1881. By 1891, the family had moved south and were boarding in Marylebone, London. Hugh Murray, by then a retired colonel, collapsed and died in Bayswater five years later.

• Wikipedia:

• Jessie Margaret Murray was born in Hazaribagh, British India on 9 February 1867 to Hugh Hildyard and Frances Jane Murray; Hildyard was a lieutenant of the Royal Artillery. The couple had two other daughters, both of which were younger than Jessie. In about 1880 Frances Murray and her children travelled to Edinburgh, and by 1881 they were living in London. Five years later, the family were living in Bayswater, West London, when Hugh, then a retired colonel, died.

Note that by 1881 they were living in Edinburgh, not London. Also instead of "both of which", it should be "both of whom". The final sentence implies that the father died as soon as they had moved. And they moved to London 10 years later (or, rather, by 1891), not five.

I would normally have copy edited this myself, but because of the reverting I'm leaving this note instead. SarahSV ^(talk) 18:35, 6 June 2018 (UTC)

Not that close, and much of this is basic facts that are not smoothly re-phrased without awkward semantic twisting. The reverting to which you refer was partial only, and where it took place, it's because what was there before was better; in one instance you introduced an error too. - SchroCat (talk) 18:49, 6 June 2018 (UTC)

It isn't only that paragraph. The source's next paragraph begins: "At the end of 1898 Murray met Julia Turner;" Yours begins: "In 1898 Murray met Julia Turner ..." The source continues: "They formed a close attachment ..." You continue: "The two formed a close friendship ..." I think it needs to be edited to move things around and introduce other sources. SarahSV ^(talk) 19:03, 6 June 2018 (UTC)