Talk:Lovebird (song)/GA2

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Reviewer: Adam Cuerden (talk · contribs) 19:28, 29 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Right. Well. First of all, this article is fairly nearly there, but it has some issues.

First, though, the good. This article handles the reviews and analysis sections a lot better than most pop song articles, and they flow really well. Sources are a little sparse, but - correct me if I'm wrong - I believe the singer is still primarily known in the UK, so gets less coverage abroad? So we can let that pass.

However, there are a few issues with the opening few sections (the Lead through Production and composition). In general, this could use a copyedit, and... well, honestly, that's pretty much it, but I can be a bit more specific.

Lead:

  • "The subject matter of the lyrics focus on how Lewis informers her lover that enough time has passed since their relationship ended for her to have developed as a person." - ignoring the glaring typo (should be informs), that's awkward phrasing, and has a lot of superfluous words, as well as a lack of clarity. I think what's meant is something like "The lyrics consist of Lewis informing her ex-lover that enough time has passed since their relationship for her to have moved on and to have developed as a person."
  • "To promote "Lovebird", Lewis performed the song on Daybreak and Loose Women in the United Kingdom, in addition to La Voz in Spain." - Perhaps it's me not owning a television, but I have no idea what Daybreak, Loose Women, or La Voz are, and I'm certain people not from Britain won't either. Add a few descriptive words for each programme.
    • You don't need to own a TV to know what they are. I've added a description for each, but to be honest, if you don't know what they are, then click on them, that's the whole point of wiki-linking.  — AARON • TALK 19:50, 29 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
      • I know, but it's better if it's not necessary, if it's likely a significant proportion of the audience won't know what they are. After all, pop music is international, and it's not that unlikely a lot of Americans will be reading this as well. Adam Cuerden (talk) 18:45, 30 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
        • Like I said, that's the reason why they are linked. But I've given a description of what they are anyway. So this point is done.  — AARON • TALK 16:33, 31 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
  • Structure: The structure is kind of a mess. By the second paragraph, very fewconsecutive sentences have at all similar themes. The lead needs reconstructed into a basic narrative.
    • It is in a basic narrative. This is how all (well-written) music articles are written. It's certainly is for the 68 GA's of mine that have passed.  — AARON • TALK 19:50, 29 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
      • I apologise: let me clarify. The structure of the lead is a bit of a mess. I think a little reorganising to put related ideas together will help. It's not a huge mess, but it feels a little disjointed, and I'm not quite sure the paragraph divisions are in the right places. This is, however, one of the more difficult things to get "perfect" in an article. Adam Cuerden (talk) 18:33, 30 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
        • I think it's personal preference to be honest. Not all leads are the same, and this one is cohesive.  — AARON • TALK 16:33, 31 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
          • Looking at it again, I've made a small rearrangement, and added a linking word. Adam Cuerden (talk) 17:51, 31 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Background

  • The end of the first paragraph should read: "...had worked on a track with Scottish DJ Calvin Harris, and that Fraser T Smith would be producing for the album." Done.

Production

  • "...produced by Josh Abrahams, Oligee and Coleman, under his production name Ammo" - who has the production name Ammo?
    • Coleman...  — AARON • TALK 19:50, 29 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
      • Think we can fix that by putting parentheses around "under his production name, Ammo". I have done so. Also added an Oxford comma to help keep Coleman distinct from Oligee. Adam Cuerden (talk) 18:33, 30 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Live performances

  • "Lewis leaves wearing an ivory sleeved dress and long skirt while she is trapped in the cage along with "jewelled eye decorations" in the video" - that makes no sense. She leaves the cage while being trapped in it?
    • She same dress that she wore while trapped in the cage. I have reworded.  — AARON • TALK 19:50, 29 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
      • I've rearranged it a little bit more. I think it's better to mention her costume in the setup, not at the end. Adam Cuerden (talk) 18:42, 30 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]

A decent start. As I said, mostly copyediting. Adam Cuerden (talk) 19:28, 29 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks, though I disagree with some points.  — AARON • TALK 19:50, 29 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]

One additional point: Besides the typo of "where", what, exactly, is wrong with this reverted edit? http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Lovebird_%28song%29&diff=566326524&oldid=566324840 I was trying to simplify the explanation by making it apply more specifically to this video. Adam Cuerden (talk) 18:42, 30 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]

I think Lil-Unique reverted it because he might have felt that the addition of "the occasionally used" but might have been unnecessary and a bit pointless to include.  — AARON • TALK 16:33, 31 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Looked everything over, and made a minor edit to deal with the last thing holding me back from full support. I am now happy to ✓ Pass. Adam Cuerden (talk) 17:51, 31 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks  — AARON • TALK 18:24, 31 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
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