Talk:Mary Herring/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Stigmatella aurantiaca (talk · contribs) 09:18, 13 September 2015 (UTC)

Beginning review. Will be adding comments over the next several days. Stigmatella aurantiaca (talk) 09:18, 13 September 2015 (UTC)

No potential copyvios detected by Earwig's Copyvio Detector. No dead links or ambiguous links found. Stigmatella aurantiaca (talk) 10:00, 13 September 2015 (UTC)

Lede

• "Her work was mainly with poor women, many of whom lived in unsanitary conditions, and had inadequate diets." ("...and who had inadequate diets." Also, the comma after "conditions" is superfluous.)

  Y No, it is fine, the comma is used to separate a subclause. Added "who", although I think it ids superfluous. Hawkeye7 (talk) 21:31, 16 September 2015 (UTC)

• The verb "had" did not have an independent subject until the addition of the word "who".

See rule 3c in Grammarbook.com

See also the section "Separating verbs" in Commas: Misuse of Commas on the Write.com website.

INCORRECT: She jogged for 30 minutes, and walked for 20 minutes.

CORRECT: She jogged for 30 minutes and walked for 20 minutes.

Adding the word "who" makes the comma acceptable. If you omit the "who", then you must omit the comma. Choose one or the other.

Stigmatella aurantiaca (talk) 23:00, 16 September 2015 (UTC)

• "Above all, pregnant women needed more information about what was happening to them." (Wording seems a bit vague and awkward. Modern readers may not comprehend the social mores of the time that often kept young women completely ignorant of matters dealing with sex and pregnancy. Perhaps the lede should briefly allude to these social conditions. Certainly this should be alluded to in the body of the article.)

  Y Added. Hawkeye7 (talk) 21:31, 16 September 2015 (UTC)

• "During World War II she helped form the AIF Women's Association in 1940." (Reorganize the sentence. Perhaps "In 1940, during World War II, she..."?)

  Y Deleted "in 1940". Hawkeye7 (talk) 21:31, 16 September 2015 (UTC)

• "She served on its Welfare Subcommittee, looking after the needs of soldiers' families, and its president of the association from 1943 to 1946." ("...and was the president of the association..."

  Y Corrected. Hawkeye7 (talk) 21:31, 16 September 2015 (UTC)

Early life

• "Women of her own social class did not normally work after they married, so marriage did not figure in her plans for the future." ("did not figure" seems less than encyclopedic wording)

  Y Re-worded. Hawkeye7 (talk) 21:31, 16 September 2015 (UTC)

Career

• "Richard Fetherston had established a Baby Health Center in Prahran in 1920, but this provided post-natal care." (Why the "but"? Perhaps "...in 1920, providing post-natal care"?)

  Y Re-worded. Hawkeye7 (talk) 21:31, 16 September 2015 (UTC)

• "Her work was mainly with poor women, many of whom lived in unsanitary conditions, and had inadequate diets.Above all, pregnant women needed more information about what was happening to them." (Same comments as in lede.)

  Y Re-worded. Hawkeye7 (talk) 21:31, 16 September 2015 (UTC)

• "She banded together with George Simpson and Victor Wallace to establish Women's Welfare Clinic" ("the Women's Welfare Clinic")

  Y Added. Hawkeye7 (talk) 21:31, 16 September 2015 (UTC)

• "A strong believer in women administering women's sports," (Huh??? An easily misread sentence. I highly doubt that the intent of the sentence was to mean that Mary Herring believed that women should act as administrators in women's sports as opposed to men.)

  No, that is correct. Mary Herring believed that women should act as administrators in women's sports as opposed to men. Unfortunately, as of 2015, we are down to just two women-administered sports in Australia: Netball and Roller Derby. Hawkeye7 (talk) 21:31, 16 September 2015 (UTC)

Later life

• "When Ned became acting governor for eight months in February 1949, she found Government House in a state of disrepair." ("to be in a state of disrepair.")

  Y Added. Hawkeye7 (talk) 21:31, 16 September 2015 (UTC)

• "This was extensive." (Huh???)

  Y Re-worded. Hawkeye7 (talk) 21:31, 16 September 2015 (UTC)

• "Mary was also deputy-president of the Victorian division of the Australian Red Cross Society from 1944 to 1963 and of the Victoria League from 1945 to 1972, and of the Australian council of the Save the Children Fund from 1962 to 1967." (Too many "ands".)

  Y Dropped an "and". Hawkeye7 (talk) 21:31, 16 September 2015 (UTC)

Overall, many superfluous commas. Stigmatella aurantiaca (talk) 07:00, 16 September 2015 (UTC)

Thanks for your review. Hawkeye7 (talk) 21:31, 16 September 2015 (UTC)