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Talk:Patrick Kisnorbo/GA1

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GA Review

[edit]

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I'll be reviewing this article shortly. Ealdgyth - Talk 18:04, 14 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

GA review (see here for criteria)
  1. It is reasonably well written.
    a (prose): b (MoS):
    Prose needs work, for jargon, tone and just general understandablity
  2. It is factually accurate and verifiable.
    a (references): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR):
    Needs a few things cited, and clarification on two sources being reliable
  3. It is broad in its coverage.
    a (major aspects): b (focused):
  4. It follows the neutral point of view policy.
    Fair representation without bias:
    Some unencylopedic prose that needs fixing
  5. It is stable.
    No edit wars etc.:
  6. It is illustrated by images, where possible and appropriate.
    a (images are tagged and non-free images have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
  7. Overall:
    Pass/Fail:

Specific concerns

  • General comments for the prose throughout:
    • Lots of short stubby one and two sentence paragraphs. See if you can combine some of them to help the prose flow of the article
    • There are lots of acronyms and abbreviations in the article that aren't explained. Examples: OFC, AFC, FC, SPL, UEFA, FA.
This isn't always practical. I've seen a few good articles where UEFA, FC etc. aren't written in full Spiderone (talk) 16:07, 15 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Unfortunately, it should be fixed so that it's not required to be a football fan to understand the article. If the guy suddenly starts dating Madonna or something people outside of football will want to find out about him and will not understand the acronymns. I've reworked most of them.--Ealdgyth - Talk 14:39, 18 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
    • Jargon: Lots of jargon that isn't going to be understood by non-football fans. Examples include "avoid the drop", "was linked to", "disallowed goal was actually onside", "free transfer", "second bookable offence", "in friendlies against"
     Done Spiderone (talk) 15:52, 16 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
    • Some technical terms need wikilinking: foul, penalty kick,
     DoneSpiderone (talk) 15:24, 15 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
    • You've got two different date formats going in the article, most are Day-Month-Year, but there are a few that are Month Day, Year (lead is where I notieced it, but there may be others)
     DoneSpiderone (talk) 16:01, 15 June 2009 (UTC) I think I got them all[reply]
  • Lead:
    • Lead is a bit skimpy. A good rule of thumb is that every topic meriting its own paragraph should have a mention in the lead.
    • "He is a fans' favourite at Leicester City.." shouldn't that be "was a fan favourite", since he's no longer there?
     DoneSpiderone (talk) 15:41, 15 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
    • There is information in the lead that isn't in the body of the article (sspecifically the fan favourite bit and the italian passport bit)
     DoneSpiderone (talk) 15:41, 15 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
  • Career:
    • First paragraph, the first sentence isn't really a sentence. You have no subject. I think you mean for the period after Trieste to be a comma, and the second sentence to actually be a clause?
     DoneSpiderone (talk) 15:30, 15 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
    • Wouldn't the details of his brith and passport be better in a section on "Early life"? It doesn't really fit in "career"
     DoneSpiderone (talk) 15:30, 15 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
  • Hearts:
    • I'm assuming that the "collapse of the Australian national league" refers to the "defunct National Soccer League" in the previous paragraph? It's unclear in this context. It's not helped by the fact that the link "national league" goes to a disambiguation page. (which needs to be fixed)
     DoneSpiderone (talk) 15:54, 15 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
    • This bit makes no sense: "... he made his move to from South Melbourne FC to SPL side..."
     DoneSpiderone (talk) 15:54, 15 June 2009 (UTC) It was just a typo I think[reply]
    • This sentence: "Recommended to Hearts by club legend Dave McPherson,[8] Kisnorbo quickly cemented his place as a first team regular where he made 48 appearances in two seasons, scoring his only league goal in a 2–1 win over Hibernian on 24 October 2004." one, it's run-on and very convoluted. Two, it's got an unencylopedic tone: the "club legend" and "quickly cemented his place" are better suited for the sports pages in a newspaper, than an encyclopedia article.
     Done reworded Spiderone (talk) 15:43, 16 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
    • "... against the likes of... " is again unnecylopdic. Suggest "against such clubs as..."
     DoneSpiderone (talk) 15:54, 15 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
    • You say "even scoring a goal against Portugese club..." but there is no explanation of why this is important or impressive. Remember that not everyone reading the article is going to be a football fan.
     Done Spiderone (talk) 15:43, 16 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
    • Where is Hearts located? I shouldn't have to click through to the Hearts article to find out where it is located.
     DoneSpiderone (talk) 15:54, 15 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
  • Leicester City:
    • "He followed former Hearts boss Craig Levein, teammates Mark de Vries and Alan Maybury across the border to the midlands club." is unreferenced.
     Done Spiderone (talk) 15:52, 16 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
    • The whole second paragraph of Leicester City is unreferenced. It also has unencyclopedic prose, such as "change in fortunes for Kisnorbo, and his fine form alongside then-teammate Paddy McCarthy was instrumental in helping Leicester avoid the drop that season." needs to be reworded. Another bit that reads more like the sports pages is "His initial displays for Leicester came in midfield, and some under-par performances culminated in him being booed by his own fans during a 2–1 defeat ..."
     Done some rewording Spiderone (talk) 16:13, 16 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
    • More unencylopedic prose: "... In the 2007–08 season, Kisnorbo suffered relegation with the club, but was also the victim of no more than three poor refereeing decisions..." "victim of" and "suffered relegation" need to be reworded.
     Done Spiderone (talk) 16:13, 16 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
    • I'm unclear what exactly "Leicester were however, fined £3,000 by the Football Association in response to Kisnorbo's teammates, who angrily appealed to Joslin during the match." is trying to say. I get the gist of it, but it's convoluted and difficult to parse. Perhaps: "The Leicester club was fined £3,000 by the Football Association, however, because of Kisnorbo's teammates angry appeals to Joslin during the game."
     Done Spiderone (talk) 16:13, 16 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
    • "... while coach Gerry Taggart commented..." I assume that Taggart was coach of Leicester, but it would be good to make this clear.
     Done Spiderone (talk) 15:52, 16 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
    • "Then-manager Ian Holloway described the sending..." I'm assuming Holloway is the manager of Leicester, but would be good to make this clear.
     Done Spiderone (talk) 15:52, 16 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
    • Try to vary the starting word of the paragraphs in Leicester. The first two start Kisnorbo, the middle three start "his" and two more start "he". Variety will help the prose flow.
     DoneSpiderone (talk) 16:24, 17 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
    • Unencylopedic prose: "His ordeal was not over when..."
     DoneSpiderone (talk) 16:24, 17 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
    • Also borderline unencyclopedic :"His injury was a major blow to Leicester's hopes of surviving in the Championship." (the "major blow" part might be reworded)
     DoneSpiderone (talk) 16:24, 17 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
    • "He returned to action the following season in a 2–1 reserve win over West Brom on 15 October,[33] coming on as a substitute in a 1–1 draw against Oldham Athletic on 18 October 2008." you've conflated two different games into one sentence, which is confusing. Suggest breaking into two sentences.
     DoneSpiderone (talk) 17:00, 17 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
    • Run on sentence "Despite this it was reported on 28 April that manager Nigel Pearson had told Kisnorbo he can leave on a free transfer the following summer alongside fellow Australian Paul Henderson as the club begin their preparations for their Championship campaign the following season." it's also unclear what is meant by "Despite this" and it has verb tense agreement issues. Perhaps try: "It was reported on 28 April that manager Nigel Pearson told Kisnorbo he could leave on a free transfer the following summer."
     DoneSpiderone (talk) 17:00, 17 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
    • Last paragraph: the quotation "very disappointed to have been released" needs a citation directly on it.
     DoneSpiderone (talk) 17:00, 17 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
  • International:
    • International what? I suggest "International career" as the section title, to make it clear what is being referred to.
     DoneSpiderone (talk) 15:45, 15 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
    • "... led to his first international on 6 July 2002..." international what? Match? Game?
     DoneSpiderone (talk) 15:45, 15 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
    • Unencyclopedic tone "... tournament including the shock loss.." suggest remeoving "shock"
     DoneSpiderone (talk) 16:07, 15 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
    • "He made three appearances in the tournament including the shock loss to New Zealand in the final." is uncited.
     DoneSpiderone (talk) 16:07, 15 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
    • "This decision harmed his national team aspirations, as he was left out of the squad that eventually lost to Iraq in the quarter-finals." is uncited.
     DoneSpiderone (talk) 16:24, 17 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
    • "After Australia drew and lost those matches respectively..." is unclear and jargony. I'm not sure what is meant here.
It means they drew the first match and lost the second but I'm not sure how else to phrase it Spiderone (talk) 16:07, 15 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Say "they tied in the first match and lost the second match..." --Ealdgyth - Talk 14:39, 18 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
I'm sure I've seen it used before on other pages. I added an alternative just in case. Spiderone (talk) 15:28, 16 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
It's a football news site like any other. Unfortunately I can't always find the stuff I want on the Telegraph, BBC etc. Spiderone (talk) 15:28, 16 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Yes, but why is it reliable? Not everything on the web is reliable. --Ealdgyth - Talk 14:39, 18 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Overall needs some prose work. I've put the article on hold for seven days to allow folks to address the issues I've brought up. Feel free to contact me on my talk page, or here with any concerns, and let me know one of those places when the issues have been addressed. If I may suggest that you strike out, check mark, or otherwise mark the items I've detailed, that will make it possible for me to see what's been addressed, and you can keep track of what's been done and what still needs to be worked on. Ealdgyth - Talk 18:58, 14 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Further concerns:

Good work, but still a few concerns that are mentioned above. --Ealdgyth - Talk 14:39, 18 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
I"m passing the article, but it should be noted that some concerns about the referencing and the prose still remain. If you intend to try for FA status on the article, I strongly suggest further research, a peer review and a copyedit by someone unconnected with football. --Ealdgyth - Talk 17:02, 18 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Thanks, I think it's unlikely I'll try for FA status since he just isn't notable enough and there aren't enough reliable sources. Maybe if he plays in a World Cup or something it could happen. Spiderone (talk) 08:20, 19 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you so much guys for making this a good article. Massive improvement too, way better than mine, well done. Wolcott (talk) 08:31, 21 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

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