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Talk:Prince Oana/GA1

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GA Review

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Reviewer: Seattle (talk · contribs) 19:53, 8 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]

I will review this soon. Seattle (talk) 19:53, 8 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]

  • No dead links, watch DAB links
  • The lead inadequately summarizes his life
    • I don't see a need to list all the minor league teams he has played for.
    • More MLB statistics would be beneficial, as that's where MLB players derive their notability, especially as a pitcher and outfielder.
    • No mention of the "early years" section
    • No mention of the "Vision problems and later years" section
  • I would much prefer that the "Hawaiian heritage and nickname" and "Reputation as a playboy" be merged into a "personal life" section.
  • for Detroit Tigers in 1943 and 1945. article needed
  • The quote parameter would work best for reference 19

Those are my initial thoughts. I will go into greater detail when the broad issues have been addressed. Seattle (talk) 15:00, 9 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Issues mostly fixed, thanks for the review. Yeah I didn't like the lead as written so I had no problem redoing that. Only thing I didn't change is the heritage section, since I like that being in the playing career, since it gives a nice look at him while breaking up the career for a lay reader. I did move the playboy part to the personal life section, so that's available if you still disagree. Wizardman 01:34, 13 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]

OK, I can see the reason in that, and it's chronological. Progressing:

  • the site of the former Oahu Sugar Company plantation, in either 1908 or 1910, although most evidences indicate the later date as his birth year. Baseball-Reference makes no mention of either the "Oahu Sugar Company plantation" or the alternate birth year, or those "most evidences"
  • who later worked as a bookkeeper at the sugar plantation and later two "laters" too close.
  • Oana was a boy when the Oahu Sugar Strike of 1920 resulted in the deaths of more than 150 persons so what? What's the connection?
  • According to some accounts, Ty Cobb, who was himself barnstorming in Japan, could you be more specific than "some accounts"? Can you link or explain "barnstorming" somewhere?
  • Ultimate, "[h]e found → "ultimately"
  • Oana compiled impressive batting averages rmv "impressive"
  • He also totaled 29 home runs, 63 doubles, and 11 triples in 686 at bats during the 1933 season.[11] Oana also reportedly led the Pacific Coast League in 1933 with 163 RBIs. Combine, and we doesn't Baseball Reference keep a record of that?
  • Perhaps hoping to avoid having to pay Portland the full $20,000 purchase price if Oana stayed for the season sounds like OR if that's only referenced to Baseball-Reference
  • Are the first bits in the "Hawaiian heritage and nickname" covered by The Sporting News reference?
  • as some suggested that a full-blooded "Kanaka" can you link "Kanaka" somewhere?
  • In the end, the lure of billing Oana as a full-blooded Hawaiian prince proved irresistible. I would remove that sentence entirely, that seems like OR
  • Is the first paragraph of "Atlanta Crackers" referenced by "Cy Kritzer (July 31m 1946)." Watch that "m" too...
  • Finding no interest from major league clubs after an impressive 1934 season in Atlanta I would remove "impressive", I think that's a WP:PEACOCK term.
  • Can you mention the positions he played for Atlanta?
  • While in Jackson, he became one of the best power hitters in the Southeastern League. A lot of PEACOCKs here.
  • he became a sensation again, if someone called him a sensation, that's fine to quote with a reference, but saying it alone isn't.
  • However, baseball commissioner Kenesaw Mountain Landis ruled that Oana was a free agent since the Texas League had disbanded. reference?
  • Oana played a key role same as the "sensation" bit
  • His only major league game as a starting pitcher was on September 12, 1945, against the Philadelphia Athletics. Oana allowed one hit through you can combine these two, use a colon
  • He got off to a hot start no
  • player manager hyphened above
  • Beau Brummel link somewhere?
  • Don't just link years in the lead per WP:EGG
  • A note on his Hawaiian heritage and nickname would be contextual in the lead.