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Tony's Writing and Copyediting links


Milhist stuff

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  • Simple vocabulary. Choose basic rather than elaborate words (the battle started, not the battle commenced; the landing was completed in an hour, not within an hour, unless you want to imply that an hour was some kind of deadline). There are more suggestions for plain word-choice here.
  • Simple grammar. Like vocabulary, simple grammatical structures are preferred. Here's an example:
How you can make this sentence crisper?

It was decided by Admiral Friedrich von Ingenohl, the commander of the High Seas Fleet, that another raid on the English coast was to be carried out."

It's indirect, over-elaborate and wordy.
Hint
The problem lies in the unnecessary passive voice ("was decided by" and again, "to be carried out"); this can be a turn-off for readers. Use active voice and you can place the important bits earlier.
Solution

Admiral Friedrich von Ingenohl, the commander of the High Seas Fleet, decided to carry out another raid on the English coast.

Or "had decided", depending on the context.
  • Long snakes! Avoid long, winding sentences; they're too taxing on your readers' working memory. They can typically be split in two using a semicolon or a period (full-stop):
Where can you split this snake?
Derfflinger was part of the First Scouting Group for most of World War I, and was involved in several fleet actions during the war, taking part in the bombardments of English coastal towns, as well as the Battles of Dogger Bank and Jutland, where her stubborn resistance led to the British nicknaming her "Iron Dog".
Split here?

Derfflinger was part of the First Scouting Group for most of World War I, and was involved in several fleet actions during the war, taking part in the bombardments of English coastal towns, as well as the Battles of Dogger Bank and Jutland, where her stubborn resistance led to the British nicknaming her "Iron Dog".

But how will you make the split?
Solution
Derfflinger was part of the First Scouting Group for most of World War I, and was involved in several fleet actions during the war. She took part in the bombardments of English coastal towns, as well as the Battles of Dogger Bank and Jutland, where her stubborn resistance led to the British nicknaming her "Iron Dog".

Redundancy

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Redundancy, rather than poor grammar and spelling, is the biggest source of problems in prose. A smooth read requires no wasted words: simple as that. All good writing is lean; it's an acquired skill—an attitude that, with practice, you can switch on easily. Here's an example.

Identify two redundant words.
A copy of The Times informed von Reuter that the Armistice was to expire at noon on 21 June 1919, which was the deadline by which Germany was to have signed the peace treaty.
Hint
Removing one of the two words will solve a repetition problem too.
Solution

A copy of The Times informed von Reuter that the Armistice was to expire at noon on 21 June 1919, which was the deadline by which Germany was to have signed the peace treaty.

But wait: there's more you can do. After the comma, there are two more bad patches. In total, five words could be replaced by just two.
Where to look for savings
A copy of The Times informed von Reuter that the Armistice was to expire at noon on 21 June 1919, the deadline by which Germany was to have signed the peace treaty.
Even better?
A copy of The Times informed von Reuter that the Armistice was to expire at noon on 21 June 1919, the deadline for Germany to sign the peace treaty.


Consider trying out your skills on more "weeding" exercises, here.

Precision

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Be precise where possible. The campaign involved the capture of Japanese bases in the Admiralty Islands. If it's not mentioned elsewhere in the article, ask the content-writers how many bases there were. Could be interesting: The campaign involved the capture of the three Japanese bases in the Admiralty Islands (a fourth had been abandoned by the Japanese in February 1943).

Unnecessary sequence words

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A lot of MilHist involves telling a story. Stories are strings of actions and facts, and once the reader knows it's a narrative description of a battle or the development of a new military helicopter technology, you can usually strengthen the flow by removing such sequence items as "then", "in addition", "also", "next", and "after this" (ironic, isn't it).

Repetition

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English is more particular than most languages about the close repetition of words. By this, we don't mean common grammatical words—such as "the" and "to"—but lexical items. The less frequently used the word normally is, the more the reader will notice its close repetition.

Problem text: identify the repeated word.
The plan involved two simultaneous attacks by light cruisers and destroyers, one on Flanders and another on shipping in the Thames estuary; Hindenburg and the other four battlecruisers were to support the Thames attack. After both attacks, the fleet was to concentrate off the Dutch coast, where it would meet the Grand Fleet in battle.
Hint: identify a simple substitution of one of the underlined words.
The plan involved two simultaneous attacks by light cruisers and destroyers, one on Flanders and another on shipping in the Thames estuary; Hindenburg and the other four battlecruisers were to support the latter attack. After both attacks, the fleet was to concentrate off the Dutch coast, where it would meet the Grand Fleet in battle.
A solution
The plan involved two simultaneous attacks by light cruisers and destroyers, one on Flanders and another on shipping in the Thames estuary; Hindenburg and the other four battlecruisers were to support the latter Thames attack. After both strikes, the fleet was to concentrate off the Dutch coast, where it would meet the Grand Fleet in battle.
Comments
  • Three occurrences of "attack(s)" were too many in this short space.
  • In addition, we thought "latter attack" was pretty ugly, and substituted a more direct back-reference.


However, repetition isn't quite as simple as this. There's bad repetition, such as we've just looked at, and there's good repetition. Explicitly "back-referring" to an important word by repeating it can make the text more cohesive and sometimes avoids ambiguity.

Where would repeating a word be more precise?
As part of Operation Perch, a manoeuvre intended to encircle and capture the German-occupied city of Caen, the British 7th Armoured Division made an opportunistic attempt to drive into the German flank through a gap in the front line and to seize the town of Villers-Bocage. Although the troops were hampered by rain and strong winds and eventually withdrew, they managed to cause considerable disruption.
Solution

As part of Operation Perch, a manoeuvre intended to encircle and capture the German-occupied city of Caen, the British 7th Armoured Division made an opportunistic attempt to drive into the German flank through a gap in the front line and to seize the town of Villers-Bocage. Although the troops were the Division was hampered by rain and strong winds and eventually withdrew ...

Repeating "Division" makes it clear.

Consistency

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Inconsistency in naming and formatting throughout an article makes the text subtly more difficult to read. Sifting through an article, using your memory of what has come before to pick up glitches, is a good exercise for editors who are relatively inexperienced at copy-editing. Here are just a few examples of common inconsistencies in the same article:

  • A spaced en dash like this and then an unspaced em dashlike thisin an article.
  • 6 January and then February 14.
  • Major-General and later Major General.
  • 1st Infantry Division and then First Infantry Division.

The straight line

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Make the flow of consciousness simple. Often, MilHist articles need to describe a long, complex series of events; it can be hard to present such a narrative logically to readers, especially when you know the story well yourself. Here's an example from the lead of the otherwise good article, Admiralty Islands campaign, summarising the dramatic events. Remember that the non-expert readers know nothing yet—this is their first taste of the dramatic scenario. Make a mental note of the queries many readers would have in the second paragraph. Don't expect them to divert to the links right now.

Problem text: read this carefully, think about it, then proceed.

The Admiralty Islands campaign (Operation Brewer) was a series of battles in the New Guinea campaign of World War II in which the United States 1st Cavalry Division assaulted Japanese bases in the Admiralty Islands.

Acting on reports from airmen that there were no signs of enemy activity and that the islands may have been evacuated, General Douglas MacArthur accelerated his timetable and ordered a reconnaissance in force of the islands. The campaign started on 29 February 1944 when a small force was landed on a beach on Los Negros Island. By landing on a small beach where the Japanese did not anticipate a landing attempt, the force achieved tactical surprise, but the islands proved to be far from unoccupied. A furious battle developed for control of the Admiralty Islands that was fought out on the islands, in the surrounding waters, and in the air above.
Where will readers get confused or feel there's a gap?

Here's the second paragraph alone.

Acting on reports from airmen that there were no signs of enemy activity and that the islands may have been evacuated, General Douglas MacArthur accelerated his timetable [what timetable?] and ordered a reconnaissance in force [what's that?]. The campaign started on 29 February 1944 when a small force was landed on a beach on Los Negros Island [I guess that's one of the Admiralty Islands]. By landing on a small beach where the Japanese did not anticipate a landing attempt, [err ... I thought they expected to find no Japanese] the force achieved tactical surprise, but the islands proved to be far from unoccupied. A furious battle ensued for the control of the Admiralty Islands that was fought out on the islands, [Islands ... islands? Ah, read on.] in the surrounding waters and in the air.
Possible solution

Here's one possible solution, with additions underlined:

Acting on reports from airmen that there were no signs of enemy activity and that the islands may have been evacuated, General Douglas MacArthur accelerated his timetable for the Operation and ordered a reconnaissance in force. This limited offensive to gauge the enemy's reaction started on 29 February 1944 when a small force landed on a secluded beach on Los Negros Island, one of the three main islands in the group. Despite this tactical surprise, it soon became evident that the islands had not been evacuated at all, and the Division was immediately forced into a furious land, sea and air battle to win control.
Explanations
Now the sequence of events is clearer, and it turns out that knowing what "reconnaissance in force" means, here and now, is essential. There's no confusion between that and the full campaign; instead, the readers get a feeling for how a nasty surprise must have rolled all too quickly into a full-blown operation. Now the reader is excited, not confused and working hard.