User:Dennywuh/Temp

This is a complete list (up to Series 10) of the descriptions of The Stig, the professional driver on the BBC motoring programme Top Gear, given by the presenters of the show. Some Wikipedians believe these phrases are unencyclopædic and don't merit inclusion in the mainspace. I disagree, and consider them relevant to The Stig persona, despite their wacky and surreal humour, and place them here for other editors to peruse, in the hope that someday they'll be considered worthy of one article or another.

Introductions

From episode one of the sixth series, the first time the presenters introduce The Stig each programme, just before he takes a car round the Top Gear test track, they give viewers a couple of humorous and usually absurd details about him. It's one of the programme's running jokes that he is non-human and has extraordinary habits, characteristics and abilities. These introductions always begin with "Some say..." and end with "...all we know is, he's called The Stig", and are often topical, related to current or recent events.

• He never blinks, and he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves.
• He's wanted by the CIA, and he sleeps upside-down like a bat.
• He appears on high value stamps in Sweden, and he can catch fish with his tongue.
• He's illegal in 17 US states, and he blinks this way (moving fingers to indicate horizontal motion).
• His breath smells of magnesium, and he's scared of bells.
• He naturally faces magnetic North and all of his legs are hydraulic.
• He lives in a tree and his sweat can be used to clean precious metals.
• His heart ticks, like a watch, and he’s confused by stairs.
• His voice can only be heard by cats, and he has two sets of knees.
• He's terrified of ducks, and there's an airport in Russia named after him.
• His skin has the texture of a dolphin's, and wherever you are in the world, if you tune your radio to 88.4, you can hear his thoughts.
• He has no understanding of clouds, and his earwax tastes like Turkish delight.
• His politics are terrifying, and he once punched a horse to the ground.
• His tears are adhesive, and if he caught fire, he'd burn for a thousand days.
• He can swim seven lengths under water, and he has webbed buttocks.
• His heart is in upside-down, and his teeth glow in the dark.
• His ears aren't exactly where you'd expect them to be, and once, preposterously, he had an affair with John Prescott.
• He has a digital face, and if he felt like it, he could fire Alan Sugar.
• His genitals are on upside-down, and if he could be bothered, he could crack the Da Vinci Code in 43 seconds.

• His ears have a paisley lining, and he's been banned from the Chelsea Flower Show.
• The outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nürburgring, and if you give him a really important job to do, he'll skive off and play croquet.
• He invented Branston pickle, and if you insult his mother, he'll headbutt you in the chest.
• On really warm days, he sheds his skin like a snake, and for some reason, he's allergic to the Dutch.
• His first name really is "The," and if he went on Celebrity Love Island, they'd all be pregnant, including the cameramen.
• He once threw a microwave oven at a tramp, and long before anyone else, he realized that Jade Goody was a racist pig-faced waste of blood and organs.
• He once had a vicious knife fight with Anthea Turner, and he is in no way implicated in the Cash for Honours scandal.
• If you lick his chest, it tastes exactly the same as Piccalilli, and at this week's Brit Awards, he was arrested for goosing Russell Brand.
• He sucks the moisture from ducks, and his crash helmet is modelled on Britney Spears' head.
• He isn't machine washable, and all his potted plants are called Steve.
• His scrotum has its own small gravity field, and because our producer rigged a phone vote, he now has a new name... Cuddles.
• He's banned from the town of Chichester and in a recent late-night deal, he bought a slightly dented white Fiat Uno from the Duke of Edinburgh.
• He gets terrible eczema on his helmet, and if he'd been the video ref in the World Cup rugby final, he would have seen that of course it was a try, you blind Australian halfwit.
• To unlock him you have to run your finger down his face, and if he were getting divorced from Paul McCartney he'd keep his stupid whining mouth shut. (emphasis in original)
• He thought Star Wars was a documentary, and he recently pulled out of I'm a Celebrity because he's frightened of trees, and Australia, and Koo Stark, and Ant, and Dec.
• He knows two facts about ducks, and both of them are wrong, and 61 years ago he accidentally introduced Her Majesty The Queen to a Greek racialist.
• When he slows down, brake lights come on in his buttocks, and if he'd been the manager of the England football squad last week he wouldn't have been a feckless, ginger, gum-chewing buffoon and ruined it for all of us.
• He once lost a canoe on a beach in the north east, and he did some time in a prison in Canterbury because his teddy's called "The baby Jesus".

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