User:Judah haNasi

Well, I guess there comes a day when I need to stop being just a lurker and register, so here goes!

About me

Contrary to what some people think, no, I'm not the only Jew in Texas. There are a whole lot of Jews here in the major cities, although certainly not anywhere near as many as in Chicago or in New York, where I grew up. I moved to Dallas about 11 years ago. I have been attending a Reform temple since President Bush declared the end of major hostilities in Iraq. (No connection.) I was raised in a non-observant home and I only had 2 years of Hebrew so my Hebrew really isn't what it should be. I took a bunch of accounting courses years ago and I work a lot with computers.

About my contributions re Islam

Me, an Islamic scholar! Ima would be so proud! . . .

I added the "Messianic figure" section in the Messiah article. Someone added a "citation needed" tag. Although the definition of "messianic figure" is accurate I don't have a source. I have been searching Google, etc., for a description and I keep running into relevant articles on Moslem topics, so I figured why not add them?

Oy, gevalt! It's nice to know HaShem has a sense of humor!

Some of my favorite Jewish jokes

These are some of my favorite Jewish jokes:

Oy, vay!

("Oy, vay iz mir" is Yiddish for "Oh, woe is me.")

Four Jewish men are sitting around a table.

The first one moans, "Oy!" and looks down dejectedly.

The second one sighs, says, "Oy, vay!" and just shakes his head hopelessly.

The third one says, "Oy, vay iz mir!" and just looks down at the floor in utter dispair.

The fourth one says, "Look, if you guys are gonna talk politics, I'm leaving!"

Knighthood

A Jewish doctor gets a notice that due to his significant contributions to the field of medicine the Queen of England has decided to knight him.

He arrives for the ceremony and is instructed on the protocol. "Here's a paper with a Latin saying you'll need to memorize. When your name is called, you walk down the aisle and kneel. Then you recite the Latin phrase. The Queen will take her sword, touch you with the tip on the right shoulder, raise it over your head and touch your left shoulder, then over your head again and she'll touch your right shoulder. Then she'll say, "Arise, Sir Weinstein." Don't speak to her until she speaks to you."

The day of the big celebration comes. Weinstein has memorized the Latin saying. They call his name and his heart starts pounding in his chest. He walks down the aisle, kneels down … and his mind goes completely blank. He just can't remember the Latin. The Queen is looking down at him, waiting, which only makes him more nervous.

Finally, in desperation, he blurts out the first thing he can think of in a foreign language: Ma nishtanah halaila hazeh mikol haleilot?

Confused, the Queen turns to her Protocol Officer and says, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

How a cell phone works

Two Jews meet on the street.

"Bernie! You're a smart fella! Tell me something … how does a cell phone work?"

"Sammy, what do you mean, "How does a cell phone work?" You flip up the lid, you dial the number, the person answers and you talk."

"No, Bernie, I mean, how does a cell phone work?"

"Oh, why didn't you say so? It's easy. Imagine that you've got this big dog, and the tail is in Brooklyn and the head is in the Bronx."

"Yeah …"

"You squeeze the tail in Brooklyn, and the head barks … in the Bronx."

(Looking quizically) … "But, Bernie, what does that have to do with how a cell phone works???"

"What? … A cell phone works the same way … but without the dog!"

Christmas and Shabbat

And then there's the Jewish guy who says that when he first came to America he thought that Christmas had something to do with shabbat because, "Everyone was going around saying, 'Happy challah days'."

The new Jewish diet

You've heard of the Atkins Diet and the South Beach Diet.

Have you heard of the new Jewish Diet? It's really simple— it only has one rule …

"Pigging out isn't kosher."