User talk:Cmp123
Welcome![edit]
Hello, Cmp123, and welcome to Wikipedia! My name is Adam and I work with the Wiki Education Foundation; I help support students who are editing as part of a class assignment.
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If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact me on my talk page. Adam (Wiki Ed) (talk) 20:26, 21 September 2016 (UTC)
Peer Evaluation[edit]
Hello Cmp123,
Your article is very informative and the information is relevant to the subject in question. Also, the coverage of the director is well balance. You have an appropriate amount of reliable sources needed for the article to be notable. Overall, your article has everything it needs. The only aspect that needs improving is the grammar, the punctuation, and the organization of the information. The lead is supposed to be a short summation of what the reader will find in your article. Your lead contains information not found anywhere else in the article. I think it would be best to put that in a section called "Early life" and to perhaps rewrite the lead. Most of the information on Andrea Dorfman is found in the film career section. The summaries of the film could be best suited in the filmography section. This way you can separate the narrative from the informative. Upon reading the article, I found that there was often a switch in tenses. This seemed mainly due to the switching back and forth between the two aforementioned themes. Also, describing the film's mentioned, leads to run on sentences. I have gone ahead and edited grammar and punctuation. Here are some phrases I did not change as I was not certain of what they meant. The parts that confused me are bolded:
She created a mini documentary showcasing the work that Kenyan lawyers to take the Kenyan Government to task for not protecting young girls from rape.[1]
She occasionally teaches classes at the Nova Scotia College of Art and Design and she is one of the four co-creators of Blowhard.[1] (What is blowhard? Please explain)
Dorfman finances her films by working as a camera assistant or a cinematographer on other people’s films and music videos.[1] (Do you have examples?)
I have also added some prelinks to your article as I think it never hurts to have more. Finally, not all of your films were in italics so I fixed that as well. I think it would also be great to quickly mention how her work contributed to Canadian filmmaking and how she experimented with different kinds of animation in the work section that I have added.
Please feel free to change anything as they are merely suggestions.