User talk:Jballingeralyn/sandbox

This is excellent. Well done! I'm thrilled you are remedying the absence of this important woman from Wikipedia. SarahEMC2 (talk) 13:07, 16 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Some comments[edit]

Hi Jballingeralyn. I've made a few edits to your draft and I have some suggestions for you:

I think you should reference the dictionary of north carolina biography where you use it. Reading over the article there and this one I find a lot of similarities and while you're summarizing (not plagiarising), it is important to make clear to the reader where that summary came from. You've cited an online version (this) in the introduction, but nowhere else. For example, the article claims that she was the first women recipient of the Legion of Merit (an important fact if true!) but it isn't clear to the reader where that information comes from. You don't need to cite everything, but the reader has to have some sort of indication of where this information can be verified.
One of my edits focused on sentence structure (see here). Many paragraphs in the article will include placenames, dates and names of organizations or posts multiple times. For an article this short, many of these can be introduced once and then revisited only as needed. If she transferred from one post in the army to another in DC, we don't need to note that both are in Washington, D.C. I'd also recommend reading your sentences closely to see if you start repeating sentences with "[She] was..." or "In [date]..." and so forth. Try to break up sentences and use compound-complex sentences (not too much) to make it easier for the reader to follow

Please let me know if you need a hand with this. Adam (Wiki Ed) (talk) 19:12, 17 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]