Wikipedia:Peer review/1968–1969 Japanese university protests/archive1

Add links
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

1968–1969 Japanese university protests[edit]

Toolbox
Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch • Watch peer review

I want to take this article to FAC someday. I'm pretty proud of it right now, but I really think it could be better. Cheers, Roniiustalk to me 13:34, 18 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Comments by Z1720[edit]

@Roniius: I am so sorry that it has taken this long for someone to comment on this. If you are looking for more comments, I highly suggest seeking an FA mentor, especially because you are seeking your first FA. I also suggest that you review articles at WP:FAC as soon as possible; this will create goodwill in the FAC community, causing more editors to want to review your nomination when you decide to post it. Also, reviewing FAs helps you understand the FA criteria and gives you an idea of what FA reviewers are looking for, and allows older FACs to be promoted, causing less competition for reviewers. Since it takes at least five reviews to promote an FAC, I suggest you review at least that many before this is nominated. WP:GOCER is an excellent place to have someone copyedit your work, and you might get some comments about how to improve the prose. I always request a copyedit before nominating an article for GA or FA.

Some comments below. Please respond under the bullet point to keep the conversation organised, similar to the structure used at FAC.

  • The lede is quite long, considering the length of the article. I think it needs to be shortened to three paragraphs.
  • Not sure how this would be done. I think the lead length is okay for the length of the article, to be honest. Roniiustalk to me 12:46, 6 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • I did some rough calculations, and I think the body of the article is between 25,000 and 26,000 characters. According to MOS:LEDELENGTH, the suggested lede length for an article that size is two to three paragraphs. The lede should be an overview of the topic, and extra detail can be added in the article body. I also think the final two paragraphs can be merged. I suggest that you read through the lede and remove extra detail, then if it is still long you can ping me and I can suggest other phrases that could be removed. Z1720 (talk) 22:23, 15 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • As I am reading the article, I notice lots of extra words that can be removed. I suggest reading WP:REDEX as this will help with trimming. A large example is the use of "however", which in lots of cases can be removed from the article.
  • "In 1968 and 1969, Japanese universities were wracked by student protests" wracked feels a little non-NPOV to me. Perhaps, "In 1968 and 1969, student protests were conducted at several Japanese universities that ultimately forced the closure of campuses nationwide."
  • "and the greater late-1960s Japanese protest cycle," Maybe delete greater?
  • "The protests began originally due to a dispute over unpaid internships at the University of Tokyo Medical School." -> The protests were organized to protest against unpaid internships..."
  • "starting from student discontent over alleged corruption." alleged corruption of what? Who was corrupt?
  • "Factional infighting (uchi-geba, 内ゲバ)" I don't know what uchi-geba is a translation of. Is it necessary?
  • I'm looking to make an article about this sometime. Uchi-geba refers to the factional infighting. I think it's necessary, especially with understanding outside sources. Roniiustalk to me 12:46, 6 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • "opened up a new window" rephrase, as this is an MOS:IDIOM
  • "helping pave the way for" same as above
  • "at the top of the agenda" Although less of an idiom, I think this can be phrased better.
  • Perhaps, "The political demands of the students caused education reform to be the highest priority for the Japanese government," Z1720 (talk) 22:25, 15 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • "The Constitution has thus been supported since its creation by left-wing groups within Japan," Switch this to present tense.
  • "made it their task " another idiom
  • "against a hike in" -> against an increase in
  • "Some of the student leaders of Zengakuren, for example, split from the JCP to form the Communist League, a Leninist group known as the "Bund", who took their name from the German name of the Communist League of Karl Marx's time." Too many commas. Reword to reduce the pauses.
  • "at university had led to the radicalization of many more students." delete had
  • "setting the stage" Another idiom
  • "Some of the punishment was deemed absurd," By who?
  • "to take back Yasuda Hall." What is meant by take back? Can this be more specific?
  • " regarding the suspicious use of 2 billion yen of funds by the board of directors of the university." I'm nervous about the word "suspicious" used here, as it might not be in wikivoice. What were the funds used for? What made them suspicious?
  • "The board was accused " By who?
  • "A comparison between the two universities shows similarities and differences – both used similar tactics of protest such as the occupation of important university buildings, while the nature of the universities were different. The University of Tokyo was an elite institution with a history of students with left-wing sympathies, whereas Nihon University was more conservative and repressive, without the liberal atmosphere or the academic rigor seen at Tokyo. These similarities in protest allowed later for the formation of Zenkyōtō groups in different universities." This feels like an analysis of the movement, which might belong in its own section.
  • "It was in July 1968 that the University of Tokyo Zenkyōtō,[note 1] or All-Campus Joint Struggle Committee, was formed to coordinate protests at different universities across the country." -> "In July 1968 an All-Campus Joint Struggle Committee was formed to coordinate protests at different universities across the country." This sentence can also include who formed the committee.
  • "to light" another idiom.
  • "also got involved." How did they get involved? Get to the specifics immediately, instead of setting up the information like this. This will tighten up the language.
  • "This dispute lasted 3 weeks" In most cases, numbers 1-9 should be expressed in words, per MOS:NUMERAL. There's a couple instances of this in the article.
  • "On the streets, students were also making moves" -> Protests also occurred outside of university campuses
  • "and even beginning to assault occupied campuses" -> and assaulting occupied campuses.
  • "that the real evil was the oppressive force" -> "that their ultimate opponent was..."
  • "became a way for students to get back at the progressives" -> became a way for students to oppose the progressives"
  • "The students wished to have a sense of personal self-hood or agency, and wanted to join with other people looking for shutaisei to affirm this through fighting." Citation needed.
  • "The late-1960s protest cycle served as a blow to the Japanese left in terms of public opinion" -> The late-1960s protest cycle caused the Japanese left to lose public opinion support" or something similar.
  • "given a taste of agency and public action." -> given an opportunity for agency and public action"
  • Why are the Further Reading books not used as sources?

Those are my thoughts. Please ping me if you have any questions or concerns. Z1720 (talk) 01:35, 25 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]

@Z1720: Hi, I believe I've addressed most of your points. Roniiustalk to me 06:06, 13 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]
I responded to some concerns above. Some more comments below:

*"The occupation authorities quickly moved to repeal the Peace Preservation Law," -> "The occupation authorities repealed the Peace Preservation Law," *"and became players within Japanese politics." -> and became influential within Japanese politics *"Among the main groups the JCP hoped to draw voters from were students, a focus which would eventually lead to the association of students with left-wing activism." -> "The JCP focused on increasing their support among students, which led to the association of students with left-wing activism." *"Another action taken by the occupation authorities that affected student activism was their promulgation of the post-war Constitution of Japan" -> "The occupation authorities also promulgated the post-war Constitution of Japan"

*"The Constitution is thus supported by left-wing groups within Japan, and students aimed to protect it and defend themselves against what they saw as unconstitutional actions taken by the Japanese state." -> "Left-wing groups supported the Constitution and students sought to protect it and defend themselves against actions by the Japanese state they viewed as unconstitutional." *"The Occupation also restructured the Japanese education system" I think a new paragraph can start here, since the subsequent sentences are about the reformation of the education system. *"Yoshimoto thus accused Maruyama and his supporters of being duplicitous, hypocritical, and going against the idea of shutaisei by deceiving themselves into believing that they were against the war and believing that they were the heralds of popular democracy." -> "Yoshimoto accused Maruyama and his supporters of being duplicitous, hypocritical, and going against shutaisei by deceiving themselves into believing they were against the war and the heralds of popular democracy." *"The Waseda disturbances, however, only lasted 150 days" Delete however *""(known commonly as Tōdai)" This name is not mentioned again in the article, so it is unnecessary and can be deleted. *"Some of the punishment was deemed absurd by the medical students, who took further action. At first, they disrupted the graduation ceremonies at the university in March, but as riot police were called in to protect these ceremonies, the students moved to occupy Yasuda Hall in June." -> "Some of the punishment was deemed absurd by the medical students, who disrupted the graduation ceremonies at the university in March. As riot police were called in to protect these ceremonies, the students moved to occupy Yasuda Hall in June."

  • "The University of Tokyo decided to take measures to take back Yasuda Hall" What measures? This should be outlined in the article.(dded "Clarifiction needed" tag)

*"A comparison between the two universities shows similarities and differences – both used similar tactics of protest such as the occupation of important university buildings, while the nature of the universities were different. The University of Tokyo was an elite institution with a history of students with left-wing sympathies, whereas Nihon University was more conservative and repressive, without the liberal atmosphere or the academic rigor seen at Tokyo." -> "Although the political ideologies of the universities were different – the Univeristy of Tokyo was an elite school whose students had left-wing sympathies, while Nihon University was more conservative and repressive – the protests used similar tactics such as the occupation of important university buildings." *"Although Zenkyōtō had previously existed, the University of Tokyo popularized the Zenkyōtō model and its interpretation of said model served as the mainstream interpretation of the idea of Zenkyōtō after this point." -> "Although it had previously existed, the University of Tokyo popularized the Zenkyōtō model and served at the mainstream interpretation of the model after this point." *""and even some members of staff." Delete even *" Sophia University saw the complete shutting down of the campus for 6 months," -> " Sophia University shut down its campus for six months" *"and even assaulting occupied campuses." Delete even *"On the University of Tokyo campus in particular, the situation was hectic." -> "The situation was particularly hectic on the University of Tokyo campus." *"likens the students's interpretation" students' since the word is plural. *"Their goals overall were very vague, and one Zenkyōtō member even claimed to be fighting "for the battle itself".[82] Indeed, some students simply just wanted to join in on the fighting.[83]" -> Their goals overall were very vague; one Zenkyōtō member claimed to be fighting "for the battle itself"[82] and some students simply just wanted to join in on the fighting.[83]" *"Their idea of shutaisei led, then, to their demise" Delete then *"Books which influenced the students give a look at their personal philosophies further. " I don't think this sentence is necessary and can be deleted. *"led eventually to the failure of the 1970 Anpo protests." Delete eventually *"The protests influenced Japanese culture and media greatly." This sentence isn't necessary. *"However, some more militant students" Delete however.

Those are my thoughts of the second readthrough. Z1720 (talk) 23:39, 15 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]

@Roniius: did you address the comments above? Would you like me to do another readthrough? Z1720 (talk) 20:24, 31 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]

@Z1720: Sorry, I've been pretty busy recently. I'll get to these shortly. Roniiustalk to me 05:22, 1 November 2021 (UTC)[reply]
@Roniius: are you finished with the comments for this PR? If you seek more feedback, I suggest posting a request for reviews on Wikiprojects or the talk pages of editors who have written similar FAs recently. If you think it's ready for WP:FAC, please close this PR and post it there. Thanks! Z1720 (talk) 18:34, 1 December 2021 (UTC)[reply]
@Z1720: Sorry for not being active, I've been exceedingly busy for the past month or so. I'll look into closing the PR soon. Thank you. Roniiustalk to me 02:15, 2 December 2021 (UTC)[reply]
Nothing to apoligise for: real life happens. The ping was to ensure that this PR was not abandoned. Z1720 (talk) 13:06, 2 December 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Comments by Dracophyllum[edit]

  • cn for "strong" player, another source you cite says the results they got in the election were "shattering"...(Japan_and_Germany_Under_the_U_S_Occupation)
  • Can we get a statistic of the number of votes they got or st
  • "Another action taken by the occupation authorities that affected student activism was in their promulgation of the post-war Constitution of Japan, a document which gave political organizations the right to exist and workers the right to organize." Take out "in" and reword promulgation (too fancy), and remove "a document".
  • "rescinding" > repealing
  • "3 years of senior secondary school, and 4 years of tertiary education"
  • source says 6 - 3 - 3, where does the 4 years of tertiary edu come from? Put Weiss & Aspinall 2012 here as well cause it has that in it

Just a little bit, might do some more later Dracophyllum > FAC 07:08, 25 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]

@Roniius: to ensure that they saw the above comments. Z1720 (talk) 12:26, 6 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]

  • I'll get to these when I've got more time, I'm a bit busy at the moment. Thank you for the review. Would you recommend sending this to GOCE? Roniiustalk to me 12:46, 6 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • @Roniius: I know you didn't ask me this question, but I always recommend GOCE before an FAC. They are fantastic for spelling and grammar, and sometimes the reviewer will ask clarifying questions that help improve the article. As a reviewer, I prefer commenting on nominations that have gone through GOCE. Z1720 (talk) 02:11, 7 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Femke Don't have much time, so may leave it at one comment.

  • In 1968 and 1969, student protests were conducted at several Japanese universities that ultimately forced the closure of campuses nationwide. This sentence can be made active (there were student protest) or simpler)(protests were held). Femke (talk) 10:28, 14 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • The article has a very low readability score: http://readabilityofwikipedia.com/check/1968%E2%80%931969%20Japanese%20university%20protests. Your prose is a bit academic. Is it possible to go over it and see whether you can use simpler language without losing meaning? Shorter words, shorter sentences. This is not something most reviewers look at, so no worries if you don't feel like working on this.
    • Specifically, I find "Yoshimoto's ideas of "autonomy" (jiritsusei) and "subjectivity" (shutaisei) were based on Yoshimoto's critique of the progressive liberal interpretations of these ideas from other Japanese intellectuals such as Masao Maruyama, whom he denounced as hypocritical" difficult to parse. Femke (talk) 10:56, 14 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]
Retrieved from "https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Wikipedia:Peer_review/1968–1969_Japanese_university_protests/archive1&oldid=1060690063"