Wikipedia:Peer review/2009 International Bowl/archive1

2009 International Bowl[edit]

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The 2009 International Bowl was the only contest in the 2008–09 bowl season to be held outside the United States. It featured two teams that had only moved to the highest level of college football within the last decade, two up-and-coming head coaches in Turner Gill and Randy Edsall, and the 2008 NCAA rushing leader in UConn's Donald Brown. It also marked an anniversary in the civil rights movement; fifty years before, the only previous Buffalo Bulls team to be invited to a bowl declined the bid when they were told the black players on the team would not be allowed to play.

This article was copyedited by User:SMasters of the Guild of Copyeditors and passed as a good article by User:Wizardman. I am listing it for peer review in advance of bringing it to WP:FAC, my first attempt to bring an article to featured status. Any comments or concerns directed at improving the article would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks, –Grondemar 17:41, 4 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Excellent article. Obamafan70 (talk) 20:39, 4 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks! –Grondemar 21:08, 4 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Giants2008 comments – In response to a talk page request, I've come to offer some initial thoughts.

First, let me say that the reliability of the sources looks strong across the board. That's half the battle right there. Only picky thing I noticed was in reference 24, which gives the work as wpir.com when the original website address is wbir.com.
- Fixed, good catch! –Grondemar 02:43, 9 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Looking at the lead, I can't help but wonder whether the 1958 Bulls story is overrepresented. It takes up half a paragraph, and the related section in the body isn't that large.
- At the bottom of the article I linked a highlight video from ESPN: [1]. The entire opening on the segment is about the 1958 Bulls. The media (especially ESPN) loved the human-interest story with the 1958 Bulls and ran with it, almost to the exclusion of covering anything football-related. You could argue undue weight but the article is only reflecting the (possibly undue) weight the media gave prior to the game. I trimmed the lead section a little; I'm don't think I can remove anything else and still have the reader understand the 1958 Bulls' significance. –Grondemar 22:50, 9 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Team selection: "sought to have local team South Florida play in their game in order to drive local attendance." In general, things like "in order to" are just wordy and don't need to be there; just having "to" is enough here.
- Agreed, fixed. –Grondemar 02:45, 9 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Spell out FBS—this will help the non-football fan a bit.
- I spelled out Football Bowl Subdivision in the lead and added more links to Note 1, which explains how the NCAA changed the name of the divisions in August 2006. In the article I tried to use "Division I-A" or "Division I-AA" when talking about events before 2006, such as the Bulls and the Huskies moving to I-A in 1999, and FBS and FCS when talking about modern events. I know this is confusing to have two names referring to the same thing, but hopefully Note 1 explains the situation clearly enough. I blame the NCAA. :-) –Grondemar 03:14, 9 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Buffalo: Don't know if the hyphen in "heavily-favored" is needed. Generally, hyphens after -ly elements are discouraged.
Hyphen needed in "74 yard".
- Fixed. –Grondemar 02:47, 9 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
"before they transitioned back to Division I-A." This is the first time it has been indicated that the Bulls were at that level before the 1990s. Was that the case, and can it be made a little clearer in the article?
- I changed it to "while they were still played in Division I-AA" as that was my intent. Technically the Bulls had played at the highest level of Division I football before but that was before the NCAA split into Division I-A and I-AA in 1978; I'd rather not try to explain this in the article as it is rather tangential. –Grondemar 03:14, 9 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
"Disaster then stuck for Ball State". Typo in here; I'm also not sure how the other FAC reviewers will see phrasing like "Disaster then struck".
- I fixed the typo. I really like this turn-of-phrase and consider it appropriate; giving up two touchdowns off fumbles just after you thought you were going to score is pretty disastrous (at least in a football sense) by anyone's standards. If you think of a better way to phrase this let me know. –Grondemar 22:58, 9 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Connecticut: Spell out AP in the poll-related part. It's always good practice to spell out abbreviations like this and the previous one at some point. I see another abbreviation in the coaching rumors section (NBA).
- I believe I fixed all the unexpanded abbreviations; let me know if you see any more. –Grondemar 03:14, 9 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]

A lot of picky things, and overall I think this has a great chance of passing when it goes to FAC. The one factor I don't have much success in catching must be noted: that is jargon. I can't detect it for the life of me, since I follow sports like college football so much. For this, it would be beneficial to seek input from a non-college football fan. As for me, I'll try to come back in a few days for more comments. Haven't even gotten to the game recap itself yet. Giants2008 (27 and counting) 01:49, 9 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]

I'll work on addressing the rest of your comments tomorrow. Thanks for the review! –Grondemar 04:08, 9 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
- I believe I've addressed all your comments above. Let me know if you find anything else. –Grondemar 22:58, 9 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  - First quarter: "They were unable to move the ball in three plays, and punted the ball to Connecticut. Connecticut...". Little bit of repetition at the end of this. How about changing the second one to UConn, or "The Huskies"?
    - Changed to "The Huskies". –Grondemar 02:37, 11 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  - Comma after Jonathan Jean-Lewis.
    - Fixed. –Grondemar 02:38, 11 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  - Second quarter: A couple more cites might be needed in the section's fourth paragraph for the touchback rule and Frey's "impression". I don't think a simple game play-by-play can adequately source them.
    - Agreed, I'll work on writing something up later tonight or tomorrow. –Grondemar 02:48, 11 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
      - I removed the phrase about Frey believing that taking a knee in the end zone would be a safety as I couldn't find a direct source for that. I added the ESPN/AP recap as a source for the touchback-after-a-muff rule as that is mentioned in that article. Let me know if that addresses your concerns. –Grondemar 06:00, 11 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  - Fourth quarter: Another comma after "Willy completed a ten-yard pass to James Starks".
    - Fixed. –Grondemar 02:40, 11 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  - Final statistics: Lorenzen had two rushing touchdowns, not one. I remembered that from the summary, and the scoring recap confirms it.
    - Fixed, don't know how that one slipped through. –Grondemar 02:45, 11 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  - Aftermath: En dash needed in 2003-04.
    - Got it. –Grondemar 02:48, 11 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  - One more comma before 249th overall, I believe. Giants2008 (27 and counting) 01:40, 11 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
    - Got this one too. Only issue left to address is the Robbie Frey fumble issue. –Grondemar 02:48, 11 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]
      - I believe I have addressed everything above, let me know if you have anything else. –Grondemar 06:00, 11 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]

After consideration I have decided to close this peer review and proceed to FAC as I believe the article is substantially ready. Thanks again to User:Giants2008 for all his help! –Grondemar 22:37, 11 July 2010 (UTC)[reply]