Wikipedia:Peer review/Aki Toyosaki/archive1

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Aki Toyosaki[edit]

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I'm hoping to take it to GA. I've modeled it to a similar GA article Mamoru Miyano.

Thanks, ~Itzjustdrama ? C 16:40, 11 August 2009 (UTC)[reply]

  • This article looks very good. The only issue I find is the lead which should be at least two paragraph long per WP:Lead.Tintor2 (talk) 23:22, 13 August 2009 (UTC)[reply]
I've attempted to expand the lead. I'm not sure if its good enough.... ~Itzjustdrama ? C 20:57, 14 August 2009 (UTC)[reply]

It could be expanded a bit more, but it is still good. I suppose you have already searched for picture, but could not find one free. Does one of the CDs show her appearance?Tintor2 (talk) 00:17, 15 August 2009 (UTC)[reply]

The two Sphere singles (Future Stream and Super Noisy Nova) feature her on the cover (with the other three singers). I personally prefer the cover of Super Noisy Nova. Amazon~Itzjustdrama ? C 22:55, 20 August 2009 (UTC)[reply]
I think toothfine knows more about images than me.Tintor2 (talk) 12:13, 21 August 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: This seems generally well-done but needs an image. You might be able to find a suitable fair-use image, or you might be able to convince Aki Toyosaki to release one of her images into the public domain. She has some good ones on her blog. Here are a few other suggestions for improvement.

Should I upload one from the cover of one of her single? ~Itzjustdrama ? C 22:55, 20 August 2009 (UTC)[reply]
  • Although the sentences in "Acting career" are fine taken individually, I think it would make the prose more lively to vary the sentences a bit. All start with subject-verb in quick succession, and the verbs "voiced", "appeared", and "reprised" are repeated. Just flipping one or two of these would help keep the pattern from becoming monotonous. Example: "In Minami-ke: Okaeri, she later reprised her role as Yoshino."
    • Rewrote some sentences. Not exactly sure if I got is right. Not very good with this. :)
  • I'd be inclined to merge the one-sentence paragraphs in "Musical career" with larger paragraphs.
    • Fixed.
  • 'the "Don't say 'lazy' " single' - Is this correct, or should it be "Don't Say 'Lazy' "?
    • It is correct.
  • "The opening and ending singles would remain on the chart during the week of April 27 to May 3... " - "remained" rather than "would remain"? Straight past tense is more direct.
    • Fixed.
  • "Toyosaki, Hikasa, Satō and Kotobuki performed the insert song... " - Does "insert song" need to be explained?
    • Attempted. Not really sure if it's clear enough.
  • "Later, Toyosaki would release a K-On! image song single... " - "released"? Also, would it be helpful to explain "image song" as well as "insert song"?
    • Fixed. Image song is linked earlier in the section.
  • "She also provided the narration of a television advertisement for Bineck's performance... " - What does "Bineck's" refer to?
    • Fixed.
  • The dabfinder tool that lives here finds two links that go to disambiguation pages instead of their intended targets.
    • Got it.

I hope these few suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 17:55, 16 August 2009 (UTC)[reply]

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