Wikipedia:Peer review/Blas Ople/archive1

Blas Ople

• A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for May 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
This was recently promoted to GA, and I was encouraged by the positive comments and lack of negative feedback at the GA review, so I'd like some feedback on if anything is missing for this to become a Featured Article. Thanks, TheCoffee (talk) 05:01, 7 May 2009 (UTC)

Brianboulton comments An interesting article about a politician pretty well unknown in the U.K. It's quite short for a biographical article, and there may be questions about whether it is comprehensive enough - for example, his 19 years as Secretary for Labor are covered in half a paragraph. Here are my particular points for attention:-

• Infobox:
  • Why is the information about his public offices given here, as well as in a table at the end of the article? I think the infobox is too large at present, and this duplicated information could be removed to improve the aryticle's general appearance
  • Reducing the infobox information will allow you to increase Ople's image to 150px, possibly more, which would again improve the article's appearance.
• Lead
  • First sentence of lead is too long, and should be split. Suggestion: "Blas Fajardo Ople (Filipino: Ople;ˈɔːplɛ; February 3, 1927 – December 14, 2003) was a Filipino journalist and politician who held several high-ranking positions in the executive and legislative branches of the Philippine government. He was Senate President from 1999 to 2000, and served as Secretary of Foreign Affairs from 2002 until his death."
  • See WP:MOSBD for correct format of dates of birth and death, i.e. spaces on either side of ndash
• Early life and career: there is some confusion of terminolgy, and a distinct lack of date information
  • "In 1948, he finished his high school studies at the Far Eastern University" – finished high school, aged 21, at a university? How come?
  • It would help us follow the chronology of his life if we had a year for his graduation from the Educational Centre, the date that he began at the Daily Mirror, year that he established a PR firm, year he co-founded National Progress Movement and the date that he entered government service.
• Minister of Labor
  • First two sentences each begin "In (date)..." It would be better style if the second began: "Two years later..."
  • "He resigned briefly in 1971" should be rephrased "He left office briefly in 1971", as resigning is a single action
  • "At the time of his appointment..." Suggest "At the time of his initial appointment..."
  • "His leftist credentials were enhanced when he co-founded, in 1972, the Philippine-Soviet Friendship Society."[4] This is awkward; I suggest: "His leftist credentials were enhanced when he co-founded the Philippine-Soviet Friendship Society in 1972."[4] The Society's name should not be in italics.
  • "...instituted labor policies institutionalizing..." – very awkward phrasing. Perhaps "developed labor policies institutionalizing...", but do change the verb (introduced, set up, created etc)
  • I suggest that the sentence beginning "He was a close advisor to President Marcos" should start a new paragraph, and should read "Ople was a close advisor" etc. This sentence and the rest of the paragraph does not deal with his duties as Minister of Labour.
  • Next sentence: "admitted" is not the best word here. "Suggested" might be better, or "implied", perhaps
  • It might be as well to clarify that after his election as an assemblyman Ople remained as Minister of Labour: "In 1978, while continuing to serve as Minister of Labour, Ople was elected an Assemblyman of the Interim Batasang Pambansa ..."
  • "fora" is technically correct as a plural of "forum", but it looks very odd,almost quaint. I would strongly recommend this is changed to the more orthodox "forums".
• Senator
  • Second paragraph (winning Senate seat, and reelection) needs a citation
  • No need to repeat the whole party label at the end of the paragraph. Suggest "...and would win re-election in 1998, on the same ticket."
  • "He yielded the Senate Presidency..." Why did he do this? Some background information necessary.
  • Last sentence: "Public anger..." etc needs a citation
• Secretary of Foreign Affairs
  • "The appointment was with some controversy" Suggest: "The appointment was controversial"
  • "In addition..." is inappropriate. Perhaps this sentence should begin: "In response,..."
  • Quotations should not be in italics, per WP:Quotations
• Death
  • Suggest delete "had" from "had suffered"
  • This sentence: "Efforts to revive him were futile, and his death on Sunday, December 14, 2003 was announced by his family" might be better phrased as "Efforts to revive him were futile, and his death was announced by his family on Sunday, December 14, 2003".
• General
  • The table showing Opie's public offices should be removed from the External links section into the body of the article, and should be made complete, removing the same information from the infobox.
  • Overall, the article seems light on in-line citations. I have indicated a couple of sentences that clearly need citing, but you should look generally, to see if there are other instances.

I hope this review helps. I see a potential FA here, but it will need some work. Brianboulton (talk) 11:08, 15 May 2009 (UTC)