Wikipedia:Peer review/C. D. Howe/archive1

C. D. Howe

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because… It is on my FAC list and I'd appreciate feedback.

Thanks, Wehwalt (talk) 23:03, 17 December 2010 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This is an excellent piece of work, nearly ready for FAC. I did not check all of the image licenses, but I did a pretty close line-by-line reading of the text. Here is my list of suggestions and comments:

Infobox

• Shouldn't the credit line beneath the Howe image be replaced with something like "Formal portrait, about 1940"? The credits belong on the image description page, I reckon.

Lead

• "After working for the Canadian Government as an engineer" - Lowercase "government"?

• "There, he took major parts in many new enterprises, including the founding of the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (CBC), Trans-Canada Air Lines (today Air Canada), and playing a crucial role in Canada's war effort." - To maintain parallel construction, "and played" rather than "and playing"?

• "The Government's attempt to impose closure... " - Lowercase "government"? Ditto elsewhere throughout the article?

Early years and academic career

• "Barker stated he was determined on a business career... " - Maybe "determined to follow" or "determined to pursue" would be slightly better than "determined on"?

Engineer and businessman

• "After some surprise at the unusual suit from a man she barely knew... " - Will average readers stumble over "suit" used in this way"? Would "attention" be more clear?

• "Still considering that offer, and waiting to hear from Mackenzie King, in late 1934, Howe agreed to be accepted as the Liberal candidate in Port Arthur." - This sentence would flow a little better if you removed the comma after 1934.

• "Over the next several years, Howe's business expanded, serving as consulting engineers, and, much more profitably, as general contractors." - "Business" is singular, whereas "engineers" and "contractors" are plural. Suggestion: "Over the next several years, Howe's business expanded into engineering consulting and, much more profitably, general contracting".

• "This made him unpopular among private wheat companies: his firm did not receive one contract to build terminal elevators for private firms in the 1920s... " - "One contract" is ambiguous. At first glance, it might mean "all but one". Would "did not receive any contracts" be more clear?

• "In the early 1920s, Howe turned down several requests that he run for alderman in Port Arthur." - Maybe "that he campaign for the office of alderman" would be more clear than "run for"? Also, link "alderman"?

• "During his ministerial career, he replied in response to an opposition question hinting at nepotism... " - Link nepotism?

• "with capacity of 7,000,000 bu (21,000,000 mm)" - Bushels and millimetres? If the first unit is the bushel, then this conversion might the right one: 7,000,000 imperial bushels (250,000 m³). Or you can choose just one of the three outputs. Maybe litres is best. These can be linked by adding the |lk=on parameter to the {{convert}} template like this: 7,000,000 imperial bushels (250,000 m³). Maybe best is 7,000,000 imperial bushels (250,000,000 L). A further complication is that there seems to be a slight difference between a U.S. bushel and a U.K. bushel. (I don't know this stuff off the top of my head; I'm just looking it up now.) I'm just assuming that these are U.K. (imperial) bushels. The difference is probably not significant enough to worry about in this context.

Election and prewar

• "to deal with the Depression" - Link to Great Depression?

• "He finally received a promise of a Cabinet position were both Howe and the Liberals elected;" - Suggestion: "He finally received a promise of a Cabinet position if both Howe and the Liberals were elected;"

• "amassing a majority of 3,784" - Does this mean he got 3,784 votes, or does this mean he won by 3,784 votes, or does it mean something else. I'm not sure.

• "Howe was the only engineer in Cabinet" - Should this be "in the Cabinet" or is "the" not necessary?

• "Mackenzie King appointed Howe to two portfolios" - Would it be useful to briefly explain "portfolio" or to link it to Portfolio (government)#Canada?

• "The debate in the House went smoothly until Howe angered the opposition by declaring, under Bennett's administration, the Conservatives had been corrupt." - Slightly ambiguous. More clear might be "The debate in the House went smoothly until Howe angered the opposition by declaring that under Bennett's administration the Conservatives had been corrupt."

Second World War

• "With almost four years gone in his government's five-year term, in mid-1939, Mackenzie King considered an election, and asked British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain in early August if he thought anything was likely to happen in the international scene" - I think the flow would be better if you removed the comma after "mid-1939" and the comma after "election". Also, would "in the international scene" be better as "on the international scene"?

• "near the German-Polish border" - En dash rather than hyphen here; i.e., "German–Polish"?

• "promptly announced that it would immediately be prorogued" - Link "prorogued" to Wiktionary entry, prorogue?

• "lent for a token one dollar a year by their companies" - Maybe "loaned to the government by their companies for a token payment of one dollar a year"?

• "Victory was turned around and went on to" - For clarity, maybe "The Victory Corporation went on to... "? Otherwise, a comical reading would be that Victory was "turned around" into Defeat.

• "Opposition question on whether such a large sum could be cut" - Would "reduced" be slightly more clear than "cut"?

McKenzie King years

• "but was returned in an Ontario by-election within months" - Link by-election?

• Remove credit line from caption?

• "Hon. C. D. Howe watches a male scientist" - Delete "male"?

• Link "interference fringe" in the caption to Interference (wave propagation)?

St. Laurent government

• "In early 1950, St. Laurent considered recommending the appointment of Howe as governor general." - Maybe I am not seeing an earlier instance, but should governor general be linked here to Governor General of Canada?

• "—St. Laurent and his External Relations minister, Lester Pearson, began planning the troop movements on the train returning from the funeral." - I think here I'd replace the em dash with a terminal period and then cast the next sentence as "On the train returning from the funeral, Laurent and his External Relations minister, Lester Pearson, began planning troop movements."

• "Howe was unenthusiastic about the war, seeing it as the wrong war in the wrong place, and that Canadian troops should not be sent." - Not parallel. Suggestion: "Howe, unenthusiastic about the war, saw it as the wrong war in the wrong place and thought that Canadian troops should not be sent."

• "The early 1950s saw an era of prosperity in Canada; most years there was a government surplus." - Missing word? More clear would be "The early 1950s saw an era of prosperity in Canada; in most years there was a government surplus."

• "In 1951, the Government brought in an old age pension for Canadians to receive at age 70." - Lowercase "government"? Also, "brought in" might not be clear to everyone. Something like "approved" or "created" or "legislated"?

• "Tory frontbencher Donald Fleming contended that the extension" - Link "Tory" to Tory#Canada and frontbencher and maybe re-casting as "Donald Fleming, a Tory frontbencher," to keep from creating a long set of bumped links?

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR; that is where I found this one. I don't usually watch the PR archives or check corrections or changes. If my comments are unclear, please ping me on my talk page. Finetooth (talk) 21:18, 23 December 2010 (UTC)

Thank you for your review. I will work through your comments before nominating for FAC, and I will look at the backlog and see what's up.--Wehwalt (talk) 00:17, 24 December 2010 (UTC)