Wikipedia:Peer review/Dhaka Residential Model College/archive2

Add links
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Dhaka Residential Model College

Previous peer review
Toolbox
Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch • Watch peer review

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I am going to nominate it at for Good Article. I would like to get a review of the whole article, please let me know whether is there any problem with the article that. Help the article to be consummate.

Thanks, Tanweer (talk) 16:06, 19 March 2010 (UTC)[reply]




Finetooth comments: This is quite interesting and seems much improved over earlier versions. I read through the earlier peer review and the two GA reviews before proceeding. As I went, I made quite a few minor proofing changes, a metric conversion or two, and a few grammar tweaks. I'm getting tired, and I must stop for the night. I thought I'd post what I have so far and then finish up tomorrow.

Lead

  • "The school was founded in 1960 by the then Government of Pakistan (Bangladesh was part of Pakistan until 1971), as a special type of educational institution – the only one in Bangladesh under the direct control of the Ministry of Education." - The word "then" is a bit confusing because the government of Pakistan has not since disappeared. I think this would be more clear if you wrote: "The Government of Pakistan founded the school in 1960, when Bangladesh was still a part of Pakistan. (Bangladesh gained independence in 1971.) The school was a special type of educational institution – the only one in Bangladesh under the direct control of the Ministry of Education." Or something like that.
 Done Tanweer (talk) 13:53, 25 March 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • I'd suggest working something about the school's founding into the History section. The lead normally does not include important information that is not mentioned in the main text sections.
Actually, I tried my best to collect information regarding history of the school. But I couldn't get more than what I have mentioned in the article. I will be trying to get more information on the topic. So, what should be done in this case if no more information is found? However, I've included more important information on the lead. I think it now represents the whole article in two or three paragraphs. -- Tanweer (talk) 13:53, 25 March 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • The lead should be an inviting summary of the whole article. A good rule of thumb is to include at least a mention of the main text sections in the lead. If you imagine a reader who can read nothing but the lead, you'll have a good idea of what it should include. I'd suggest at least mentioning the extracurricular activities, for example. Something pithy like "School activities include A, B, and C, and DRMC has won prizes in X, Y, and Z." Or something like that.
 Done Tanweer (talk) 13:53, 25 March 2010 (UTC)[reply]

History

  • "In 1962, its management was handed over to the Provincial Government. In 1965, the Provincial Government turned the institution into an autonomous body." - It would be helpful here to say what province, Bangladesh I assume, but I'm not sure. Also, rather than repeating "Provincial Government" in the second sentence, I'd just say, "In 1965, the government made the institution autonomous."
 Done The province is East Pakistan, not Bangladesh. -- Tanweer (talk) 14:41, 25 March 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Its management was mandated to a high-powered Board of Governors with the Chief Secretary as its Chairman." - Only formal names take capital letters. I'm not sure about Chief Secretary, which might be a formal title, but I think "board of governors" and "chairman" should be lower-cased. Also, "high-powered" seems redundant. Suggestion: "A board of governors with the Chief Secretary as its chairman managed the school." This leads to another question: Chief Secretary of what? If this means the chief secretary of the board was the chairman, then "chief secretary" should be lower-cased. If it means that the Chief Secretary of Bangladesh was the chairman, then Chief Secretary may be correct. In either case, an outsider won't know what "chief secretary" means in this context unless you make the meaning clear.
 Done It is chief Secretary of East Pakistan. -- Tanweer (talk) 14:41, 25 March 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • "In 1967, the Central Government of Pakistan again took control of the school, but kept its autonomous status intact." - Do you need the "Central" part of this? Does the government of Pakistan have a formal name, or is "central" an adjective here? Perhaps "Pakistani government" would do as well. I'm not sure because I live far from Bangladesh and know little about its history and government.
 Done "Central" was used as an adjective. However, I've omitted the word. -- Tanweer (talk) 14:41, 25 March 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • "At that time, a new Board of Governors was constituted with the Education Secretary as its Chairman." - The same sort of question arises here. Does Education Secretary mean the Education Secretary of Pakistan, the Education Secretary of Bangladesh, or something else?
 Done It's Education Secretary of Pakistan. -- Tanweer (talk) 14:41, 25 March 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • "The school began with one study session, known as the "morning shift". In March 1993, another session known as the "day shift" was added... ". - Would it be helpful to add what hours "morning shift" and "day shift" refer to? I assume from context that students enrolled in the day shift do not also enroll in the morning shift, but it's not clear how many hours each group attends class. Ah, I see that this is explained in the Academics section. Maybe it would be good to move the explanation up to this section.
 Done I've mentioned the schedule of both sessions at HIstory. Because, it's important to keep the information in the Academics section. The matter is more related to Academics than History. You are right that students enrolled in day shift don't enroll in the morning shift. Students can opt for any of the twos. -- Tanweer (talk) 14:41, 25 March 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Academic performance

  • "The Ministry of Education awarded the institution in 2008 for brilliant performance in the HSC examination." - I'd suggest substituting "its" for "brilliant" to avoid point-of-view concerns. It's clear from the rest of the sentence that the performance must have been excellent.
 Done Tanweer (talk) 06:12, 29 March 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • "A good number of students from the school obtained GPA-5." - Tighten by changing "a good number of" to "many"?
 Done Tanweer (talk) 06:12, 29 March 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Tables

  • The SSC table shows the school's ranking. Should the HSC table show rankings as well?
 Done Yes, the HSC table also should show the ranking. Tanweer (talk) 06:12, 29 March 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Campus

  • "A monument has been built in front of Academic Building 1 to commemorate those killed during the Language Movement demonstrations of 1952." - Would it be helpful to foreign readers to briefly explain what the Language Movement demonstrations were about?
 Done Tanweer (talk) 06:13, 29 March 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Finetooth (talk) 05:47, 25 March 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Further Finetooth comments: Here are the rest of my suggestions.

Events and programs

  • "The college organizes a Science Fair annually, debates, cultural and sports competitions." - Something missing, perhaps "as well as"? Suggestion: "The college organizes an annual science fair as well as debates and cultural and sports competitions."
 Done Tanweer (talk) 06:12, 29 March 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • "the largest Bengali language and literature related contest in the country" - Instead of stringing together so many adjectives before the noun, "contest", I'd recast slightly to "the nation's largest contest related to Bengali language and literature".
 Done Tanweer (talk) 06:12, 29 March 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • "UNESCO organized an Education Fair convening policymakers... ". - Lowercase "education fair"?
 Done Tanweer (talk) 06:12, 29 March 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • "The college organizes a function on 21 February... ". - In most other places in the article, you use m-d-y formatting for dates. To be consistent with the others, this one should say "February 21" rather than 21 February. Usually Wikipedia articles use the date formatting that is most common to the country at the center of an article. In the U.S. that is m-d-y, but in the U.K. it is d-m-y. You would know better than I what is the usual format for Bangladesh. In any case, the formatting needs to be consistent throughout the article.
 Done Tanweer (talk) 06:12, 29 March 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Sports

  • "The DRMC football team reached the finals and became runner-up in the first-ever Inter School Football Tournament 2003, along with the Man of the Match trophy." - Since the team didn't win the Man of the Match trophy, perhaps this should be recast. Suggestion: "The DRMC football team reached the finals and became runner-up in the first-ever Inter School Football Tournament 2003; one of its players won the Man of the Match trophy."
 Done Tanweer (talk) 11:23, 8 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • "The college organizes football, cricket, basketball and volleyball tournaments annually within the college, participated by all the teams of players from the houses." - Suggestion: "Within the college, teams from the houses take part in annual football, cricket, basketball and volleyball tournaments."
 Done Tanweer (talk) 11:23, 8 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Quiz Bowl

  • "The DRMC quiz team became champions in a competition participated by around 50 schools, which was organized by Bangladesh Television in 2001, defeating Viqarunnisa Noon School." - This sentence is not quite grammatical and perhaps too complex. Suggestion: "The DRMC quiz team became champions in a competition organized by Bangladesh Television in 2001. Among 50 competing schools, the DRMC team captured first place by defeating Viqarunnisa Noon School." Or something like that.
 Done Tanweer (talk) 11:23, 8 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • Perhaps it would be better to reduce this section to one or two sentences that could be combined with the material in the "Other extracurricular activities section". My eyes tended to glaze over as I read this particular list. It will probably not be of much interest to readers who are not directly connected to the school. A common problem I see in many articles is a tendency to tack lists of "other stuff" to the bottoms of the articles. To some extent that seems reasonable and necessary, but often the lists can be made more snappy by sticking to overviews and main points. This section might become something like "DRMC students, who have done well in many quiz bowls since 2001, won championships in the X, Y, and Z."
 Done Tanweer (talk) 11:23, 8 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Other extracurricular activities

  • I find this one to be eye-glazing as well. I'd recommend presenting this as a summary rather than what is essentially a list. I'd be thinking about combining this material with the Quiz Bowl material and compressing it all to make a paragraph of perhaps four sentences. Something like "The junior group of DRMC became runner-up in the Dhaka regional Math Olympiad 2006 hosted by Prothom Alo and Dutch Bangla Bank" will probably not seem significant to a reader, say, in Canada or Chile.
 Done Tanweer (talk) 11:23, 8 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Administration

  • "The current principal is Colonel Md. Kamruzzaman Khan" - Is his military rank significant in this context? What does "Md." stand for? If the "Colonel" part is significant, it would be helpful to add something about this to the article. Do all the principals come from the military? If "Colonel" is simply added as an honorific, I'd leave it out in this context, and I'd spell out "Md." if it stands for a name. Or is "Md." also an honorific? Foreigners will not likely know these things.
 Done Tanweer (talk) 11:23, 8 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Notable alumni

  • "Sheikh Jamal, second son of the founding leader of Bangladesh. Bangabandhu Sheikh Mujibur Rahman and slain brother of the current Prime Minister Sheikh Hasina. He was a freedom fighter of the Bangladesh Liberation War." - Because of the terminal period after "Bangladesh", I can't be certain this refers to two different people or just one. Whom does "he" refer to? Also, "freedom fighter" is one of those phrases probably best avoided because it expresses a point of view. Often one side in a conflict will use "freedom fighter" to describe a person it approves of, while the other side will use "thug" or something similar to describe the same person. The encyclopedia doesn't take sides.
 Done Tanweer (talk) 11:23, 8 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Dr Nizamuddin Ahmed" - Delete "Dr". He is adequately described as a noted architect.
 Done Tanweer (talk) 11:23, 8 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

References

  • The date formatting should be consistent throughout the reference section. You currently have a mixture of m-d-y, d-m-y, and yyyy-mm-dd.
 Done Tanweer (talk) 11:23, 8 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • Newspaper names such as The Daily Star should appear in italics. Instead of {{cite web}}, I would use {{cite news}} and put the newspaper name in the "work" slot. The template automatically adds italics to anything in the "work" slot. In some cases, the publisher is not the same as the work, and so the template includes a "publisher" slot as well as a "work" slot. Alternatively, you can add the italics to each entry by hand.
 Done Tanweer (talk) 11:23, 8 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • The citations should include the date of publication if that is known or can be found. Usually it's easy to find the date of publication for newspaper articles. For example, the date of publication for citation 7 is February 14, 2010. The date of publication for citation 88 is July 5, 2009; this citation also lacks a retrieval date and the author's name, Nishat Tasneem Nandiny. You should check through the citations to make sure they are as complete as you can make them. Generally for web sources that means author, title, url, publisher (or work and publisher), date of publication, and most recent retrieval date.
 Done Tanweer (talk) 11:24, 8 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR. That is where I found this one. In lieu of that, please continue to work on articles about Bangladesh. I was happy to see this one. Finetooth (talk) 18:35, 25 March 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Ruhrfisch comments: I see Finetooth has made some very thorough and useful comments. I will try to add to them and apologize for any repetition. Here are some suggestions for improvement.

  • The toolbox in the upper right corner here has a tool for finding disambiguation links and finds two such dabs that need to be fixed.
  • It also has an external link checker and 6 or 7 links to web sources are dead. In the process I noted a link to something called "Banglepedia" which might not meet Wikipedia's criteria for reliable sources
  • I think it would be helpful to add a caption to the image in the infobox so the reader knows what it is. COuld the building in the background of the basketball court also be identified? I also think it helps to add more than just a name to the caption, so "Jaynul Abedin House, one of the two houses for students in grades 3–8" does this nicely, but "Academic Building 2" seems a bit sparse - could you add something about what is taught in it or which grades use it or when it was built? Ditto for some of the other captions
  • Abbreviations hsould be spelled out on first use, so NDF BD needs to be explained in The institution was awarded 'Best College' in the 5th NDF BD National Debate Festival 2010, the largest debate contest in the country organized by the National Debate Federation Bangladesh.[7] My guess is this is National Debate Federation Bangladesh so would The institution was awarded 'Best College' in the 5th National Debate Festival 2010, the largest debate contest in the country organized by the National Debate Federation Bangladesh (NDF BD).[7] work? Or could it be pared back even more The DRMC was awarded 'Best College' in the National Debate Federation Bangladesh's (NDF BD) 5th National Debate Festival 2010, the largest debate contest in the country.[7]
  • Could the image File:DRMC building old.jpg be left jutified? As it is there is a large area of white space on my monitor between the end of the lead and top of the History section. Left justification would fix that.
  • I would add and link Dhaka in the first sentence or paragraph of history. Might also be worth while to add a sentence explaining that Dhaka is the capital and largest city of Bangladesh, assume it was the capital and largest city of East Pakistan back then too. See WP:PCR
  • I assume the metric system is the official system of measurement for Bangladesh, so shouldn't the units be metric first, then English? Acres and hectares example
  • I do not understand how this works In 1967, the Government of Pakistan again took control of the school, but kept its autonomous status intact. If the government controls it, is it really autonomous? Isn't this an either/or situation?
  • I would spell out Ayub Khan's name in This institution was originally established by the first military leader of Pakistan to ... and not just link him as first military leader. First off, as the school's founder, he deserves to be named explicitly (even if he is not very poular in Bangladesh today). Second, it makes more sense when he is referred to later in Another dormitory named Ayub House was built in 1961, capable of accommodating around 200 students of the same grades.
  • I think that day shift and morning shift have to be consistent in terms of use of quotations - either alwyas use quotes "day shift" or never use them day shift.
  • Problem sentence The school was promoted from a secondary school to a high school in 1967. First off in most parts of the world a high school is a secondary school, so this will make no sense to many readers (it reads to me like "In 1967 Lassie was promoted from a dog to a collie.") The other problem is that the links do nothing to clarify this - neither of them mentions Bangladesh.
  • Needs a ref In 2008, a four-storied house named Dr. Muhammad Shahidullah was built for students of the day shift. At present, the number of non-resident students is substantially larger than that of resident students. Also avoid "at present" or currently" or similar phrases as they get out of date. Try "As of 2010..." or something more specific instead.
  • The first paragraph of Academics was a bit of a jumble for me - is there any way to organize the material more logically? As it is it seems to skip around a lot - facilities, exams, staff. The second paragraph repeats a lot of the day shift and morning shift material without any refs. I think the actual times of the shifts could be dropped as they are given earlier in the article.
  • Not much to add on the rest of the article that Finetooth did not cover, but I will mention the Notable alumni section. First off, the model seems to be that these list only people who meet Wikipedia's notability requirements. Four of them do not have articles but look as they could.
  • Secondly, I was surpirsed to see no mention of NASA, MIT or Caltech in the Notable alumni section, or the rest of the article when I searched it. They are mentioned in the lead, so per WP:LEAD they have to be in the article too (or else the statement needs to be removed from the lead).

Overall an interesting read and clear that a lot of work has gone into it. Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Wikipedia:Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). I do not watch peer reviews, so if you have questions or comments, please contact me on my talk page. Yours, Ruhrfisch ><>°° 21:25, 25 March 2010 (UTC)[reply]

I have addressed all the issues mentioned by Ruhrfisch. Tanweer (talk) 11:23, 8 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Retrieved from "https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Wikipedia:Peer_review/Dhaka_Residential_Model_College/archive2&oldid=1146390491"