Wikipedia:Peer review/Diamonds Are Forever (novel)/archive1

Diamonds Are Forever (novel)

Diamonds Are Forever is the fourth in Ian Fleming's series of Bond stories. The novel contains no elements of true spy fiction, but instead sees Bond close down a diamond smuggling ring. This article has undergone a re-build recently, bringing in information from new sources, re-structuring the article along the lines of the previous Bond novel re-writes, and giving a few passages a brush-up to bring them in line with the MoS. A visit to FAC is the post-PR aim. Many thanks to all who care to constructively comment. Cheers – SchroCat (talk) 21:29, 26 August 2015 (UTC)

Comments from Calvin999

• by the British → by British
• Fleming's bio actually says English author?
• British author Ian Fleming to feature his fictional British → Slightly repetitious of 'British'
• in the UK → in the United Kingdom
• in Las Vegas. → Link Las Vegas
• Along the way Bond → Comma after 'way'
• Within its storyline Diamonds Are Forever → Comma after 'storyline'
• In 1971 it → Comma after 1971
• the seventh Bond film in → the seventh Bond film of the same name in
• ring running diamonds → I don't think 'running' is the most suitable analogy. Perhaps 'passing'? Can't use smuggling as you use it a few words prior
• Sierra Leone to the United States. → The lead says to Las Vegas. Also, link them again as this is first mention in the main body
• Link Tiffany Case again
• There Bond → Once there, Bond
• attack the jockey. → attacking the jockey.
• 'plant' → I don't think you need to wrap it in apostrophe's, but link it instead
• With Tiffany's help he → Comma after 'help'
• I feel like Background and writing history should come before the Plot

• There is logic in both your suggestion and the current structure, but most of the FAs I looked at have it this way (as do the preceeding Bond novels) – SchroCat (talk) 15:41, 29 August 2015 (UTC)

• By mid 1954 the author → Comma after 1954
• Once there Fleming → Comma after 'there'
• February 1955. → February of 1955.
• The block quote shouldn't have quotation marks because its indentation already shows it's a quote
• I reckon that the para beginning 'Although Fleming provided' could be merged with that starting 'He returned to London' before it to reduce the one line sentences.
• That's the end of the paragraph which is interrupted by the quote; the "although Fleming" para is a new point, so it should be separate from the previous one. - SchroCat (talk) 15:41, 29 August 2015 (UTC)
• following a near-fatal crash in which he was involved, → I'm not sure if you need the latter part of the sentence about being involved, as it does indicate that he was involved in the former part?
• the gems as → Isn't a diamond a stone and not a gem?
• In February 1958 Pan Books → Comma after 1958
• —[57]the → I think there should be a space between the citation and 'the'

• Its an unspaced em dash, so there shouldn't be a space – SchroCat (talk) 15:47, 29 August 2015 (UTC)

• I think the Reception section could be two fuller paragraphs instead of three sparser ones.
• I think the Adaptations section could be one paragraph.
• Furthermore, I think more info is required on the adaptations, particularly the film. Perhaps highlight some differences and other info. Not loads, but just some context.

• Let me mull on this one. The novel articles tend to focus on the novel and then outline that there have been adaptations: the adaptations articles are the ones that state how they differ with the source. (I've had material trimmed out from similar articles). I'll ponder further on this – SchroCat (talk) 15:47, 29 August 2015 (UTC)

Hope my comments are constructive and help you. Please ping me if you have any questions.  — Calvin999 20:42, 28 August 2015 (UTC)

• Many thanks for your comments - some useful pointers in there. A few of your points on commas show you've been working on American artistes articles recently – a lot of them are OK in AmEng, but not in BrEng. Cheers – SchroCat (talk) 15:47, 29 August 2015 (UTC)

Comments from RO

Lead

• Bond closes down a diamond smuggling operation

Sounds like he was a foreman.

Plot

• running diamonds from mines

Perhaps "running diamonds" is too colloquial; maybe not.

• follows the pipeline

Some readers might envision a physical pipe. Maybe explain that this is a network, not a real pipe.

• However, he disobeys his orders

I've been told on several occasions to avoid using "however" in formal writing.

Background and writing history

• By mid 1954

Needs a hyphen.

• The last sentence of the first paragraph is a doozy. I'd split it into two.

Plot Inspirations

• A visit to the US by Fleming had been made on the RMS Queen Elizabeth

This could be better.

Characters

• This growth arises through Bond's burgeoning relationship with the book's main female character, Tiffany Case as Bond falls in love with her

Tiffany Case ought to be set off with commas.

• red-haired hunchback with "a pair of china eyes that were so empty and motionless that they might have been hired by a taxidermist".[37]

I'd drop the "china eyes" bit as offensive and not really that helpful to the reader.

• I'm not sure it's offensive: it's not Chinese eyes, it's China, or porcelain eyes. – SchroCat (talk) 18:38, 29 August 2015 (UTC)

Style

• Eco sees this unconnected "cleverly presented" beginning as being similar to the opening of film

Similar to the opening of film?

Themes

• detailing the events on the Queen Elizabeth".[49]

I assume those are stay quote marks following the Queen Elizabeth.

Publication and reception

• The novel was serialised in the Daily Express newspaper from 12 April 1956 onwards—[57]the first of Fleming's novels to have done so

"To have done so" does not seem to match "was serialised".

• Julian Symons, reviewing Diamonds Are Forever in The Times Literary Supplement thought that Fleming had some enviable qualities as a writer,

I think you need another comma before "though" to properly set off that parenthetical clause.

Adaptations

• Fleming's original novel was adapted as a daily comic strip which was published in the Daily Express newspaper and syndicated around the world.

You either need a comma to precede the nonrestrictive clause that starts with "which", or change which to "that".

Conclusion

This is a really nice piece. There are some very minor issues like the ones I listed above, but overall this is pretty tight. I would explain what pipeline is though, as it's a bit jargon. Let me know when this goes to FAC, as I'd be happy to take another look then. RO^(talk) 21:46, 28 August 2015 (UTC)

• Many thanks RO. I've followed your suggestions throughout, with the exception of the chine eyes quote, for the reasons given. Your thoughts are very much appreciated. – SchroCat (talk) 22:41, 30 August 2015 (UTC)

Comments from Tim riley

I jotted the following down without reading the earlier comments, above, and so forgive me if I duplicate any of them.

• General
  • I'd be inclined to refer to Tiffany Case as either "Tiffany" or "Case" after first mention, rather than switch between the two names throughout. Purely because it is instantly clear who "Tiffany" is, whereas with "Case" one might briefly think "now which character is this, again?", I'd go for her first name passim. This is fine for fictional characters (see, e.g., Nancy Drew, The Red Badge of Courage and other FAs on novels).
  • There are a few duplicate links – nothing serious but you might look at the second link to K Amis in the Style section, From Russia, with Love and Dr No in Themes, Dr No again in Publication history, and The Sunday Times in Reception.
  • Dr. No or Dr No? We have both at present.
• Title
  • I see from the picture of the dust jacket that the book was published as "Diamonds are Forever", the capitalisation one would expect. I take it that the capitalisation of the "Are" in the article is down to the fatuous perverseness of the Manual of Style? Might be worth a footnote so that readers are not misled into thinking that the title is Diamonds Are Forever rather than the correct title.
• Lead
  • To avoid the repetition in the opening sentence you might perhaps change "the British author" to "the English author".
• Plot
  • "smuggle diamonds in their mouths, which he would extract" – this says, though you don't mean, that he extracts their mouths, not the diamonds.
• Background and writing history
  • The block quote doesn't need the opening and closing quotation marks.
  • Was it really a manuscript or did he type it? The first edition was 215 pages long, and it's difficult to imagine that one could fit that much text on 183 handwritten pages. I can't say I like the word "typescript" all that much, but if that was what it was I think you should use it.
• Development
  • "A visit to the US by Fleming had been made" – a bit contorted: how about "Fleming had made a visit to the US"?
  • "Gore, an advocate of the relaxation" – I'd call him "Arran" rather than "Gore" at second mention. And should it be single quotes round 'Boofy'?
  • 'maker of shoe buckles' – more single quotes that I think the MoS would have us replace with doubles.
• Characters
  • You might give Cold War a blue link.
  • "who the latter can eliminate" – the syntax goes off the rails a bit here, and to avoid a starchy "whom" I suggest something like "who can eliminate them with relative ease".
  • "while Eco judges three of the villains—the two Spang brothers and Winter—who are physically abnormal, as many of Bond's adversaries were" – I think this sentence forgets where it's going before it gets to the full stop. We expect to learn what Eco's judgment is of the three villains, but we don't.
• Style
  • "similar to the opening of film" – indefinite article missing, I think
  • Benson flips between past and present tense: he analysed but feels.
• Publication history
  • Titles of newspapers: I'd prefer consistency of capitalising and of including the definite articles in the links: at present we have "the Daily Express", but "The Observer" and "The New York Times" etc.
  • "sales of Diamonds Are Forever, as well as Fleming's other novels, all rose" – I think the "as well as" means that the "all" is superfluous; contrariwise if you want the "all", the "as well as" should be just "and".
  • "following Prime Minister Sir Anthony Eden" – two points here: first it's a false title, failing The New York Times's "good morning test" (you couldn't conceivably have said to him, "Good morning Prime Minister Eden") and secondly I think it makes for smoother reading if you avoid the slight disruption the eye encounters between "Sir" and "Anthony" by piping him as Sir Anthony Eden.
• Adaptations
• "marked the final Bond film" – slightly odd verb. How about just "was"?
• Notes
  • Note b: sorry to be pedantic, but "who" really has to be "whom" here.
• Sources
  • Not that it bothers me in the slightest, but you have one ten-digit ISBN standing out from all the others, which are in the preferred 13-digit form. There are those who get aerated about such things. You want 978-1-85286-040-0 instead of 1-85286-040-5. And it wouldn't hurt to add an OCLC for the Pearson book (463251270, since you ask).

That's all from me. Another highly enjoyable and informative addition to the series. Pray send me a postcard when you get to FAC. – Tim riley talk 10:02, 29 August 2015 (UTC)

• Many thanks, as always, for your thoughts and suggestions: I've taken them all on board, with only the Tiffany/Case naming still to be done. Cheers – SchroCat (talk) 22:49, 30 August 2015 (UTC)