Wikipedia:Peer review/Gerhard Barkhorn/archive1
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I've listed this article for peer review because I recently worked on the article, expanding and citing the content. In particular I need feedback on grammar and style.
Thanks, MisterBee1966 (talk) 10:13, 24 November 2020 (UTC)
Hi, I did a quick read of the article. Here's my comments so far:
- Don't mix your tenses, for example: "He makes his last two flights in Merseburg on 7 January 1940" (should be made)
- You can use fewer words here: "Barkhorn conducted a number of training flights with 4. Staffel" ("Barkhorn conducted many training flights with 4. Staffel")
- Everywhere you have used "a number of" can be simplified to "many"
- "Barkhorn flew further combat air patrols, most of them in the area.." > mostly in the area
- "without claiming a further aerial victory" > "without claiming any victories"
- Watch your tenses again: "Ten days later, he returns to the Eastern Front."
- "The following day, he increased his
totalnumber of aerial victories to 56" >> you probably don't need the word "total" here (check all instances of where you have used "total" and perhaps remove it) - You've used "further" about 12 times. This is usually redundant and can be removed in some places
- "He was taken to a makeshift hospital
installedat the Olympiapark Berlin." >> don't need 'installed' - "The marriage produced three daughters" >> "They had three daughters together"
- "After some sobering up, they were still intoxicated." > perhaps remove this.. they were still intoxicated even if they were slightly sober!
- "Eventually returning to his unit the psychological damage and combat stress on Barkhorn became apparent" - might sound better as "When he returned to his unit, the psychological damage.."
- "when they were involved in a serious car accident which was not Barkhorn's fault." > "when they had a car crash. Barkhorn was found not to be at fault"
Here are some useful writing guides too: How to improve your writing and Removing fluff from your writing, thanks LM150 15:37, 15 December 2020 (UTC)