Wikipedia:Peer review/Grace Poe/archive1

 Doing...

Grace Poe

This peer review discussion has been closed.
Hi, everyone. I'm submitting this article for peer review as I have been working on the topic for a few months now, essentially growing this article to its current size, and continuing to grow it in preparation for an FAC nomination which I hope to submit in August. I hope to solicit some feedback here prior to proceeding with FAC, and I will really appreciate it if I can get feedback.

Thanks and I hope to answer all your responses. :) --Sky Harbor ^(talk) 12:21, 26 July 2013 (UTC)

Comments from Ugog Nizdast

Since I'm totally unfamiliar with this topic, excuse my mistakes and silly questions. My suggestions are in terms of making it simple for our global readers. I think the main issue here is, it reads like a hagiography, lets see what can be done. Great work in writing this article and expanding it so far.-Ugog Nizdast (talk) 08:55, 26 August 2013 (UTC)

Initial glance

• Currently, there isn't a proper first para since in the lead; it needs to establish context, telling everything important about the topic, her achievements and her current status. The rest of the lead just summarises the article, which you have already written. (read this from WP:LEAD)
• Here are some suggestions to improve wording, take these as examples and apply it to the rest of the article.
  • "Valencia was also friends with Fernando Poe, Jr. and Jesusa Sonora (Susan Roces), who were newly married at the time. In particular, Valencia was a big fan of Roces,"-> Can this be made more simpler? I'm thinking weeding out the unnecessary information and restructuring the sentence. I've marked the terms which can be removed and replaced with more encyclopaedic words.
  • "... originally was hesitant letting Poe and Roces adopt the baby because she was not familiar with them, having entrusted the baby to Valencia, but was convinced by Jaime Sin, then serving as Archbishop of Jaro, to let the couple adopt her."-> This sentence is too long, chop it onto two sentences and arrange the commas, very confusing when read for the first time.
  • "as a form of silent rebellion in order to avoid the possibility of shaming her parents"->Feeling uneasy about the terms used here.
  • "graduating, Poe continued to reside in the United States, with she and her family living a quiet life in Fairfax, Virginia"->Give a better word or remove it altogether, I feel it's unnecessary.
  • woman named Chayong, also known as Sayong?->Seems unnecessary...
  • I didn't understand this term ->graduated from Assumption in 1986?

I will be answering this for now, but I cannot expect to do major work on the article until probably next week, when I expect to get my computer back from the service center. But for now, I'll answer some of the questions which don't require heavy editing.

• The thing here is that there's not that much to summarize to begin with, so I figured that it would be good to spread it out over three paragraphs instead of condensing everything into the first paragraph. I intend to do that when I pull up more information on her senatorial career—something which started only a few months ago.
• I would believe that the Chayong/Sayong line is necessary, as it makes it clear that they are one and the same person. Some sources use the former (including the MMK episode and previous interviews), while other sources use the latter. I'm trying to avoid the possibility of an edit war by stating both of them.
• "Assumption" is Assumption College San Lorenzo, which is mentioned earlier on in that section.

I actually agree on a number of the wording revisions, and I will see them through when I get my computer back. :) --Sky Harbor ^(talk) 04:42, 31 August 2013 (UTC)

When you are done, I'll give in more suggestions as I've only briefly gone through it. -Ugog Nizdast (talk) 20:26, 6 September 2013 (UTC)