Wikipedia:Peer review/Hagwon/archive1

Hagwon

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I'd like some feedback on article content, in terms of are the topics covered satisfactory, is there any concern over general wording. Also I'd like feedback on the layout of the article. The sections I've chosen, etc.

Thanks, Crossmr (talk) 05:48, 31 August 2009 (UTC)

If you aim for GA on the article, the article still needs a lot of expansion (perhaps threefold to fivefold) since private education business is over 23,000,000,000,000 won which takes 4 percent of South Korea economy and has a great influence in Korean society.--Caspian blue 15:35, 31 August 2009 (UTC)

We can only write to the sources. The bulk of english language sources about hagwons comes from the big korean newspapers. I spent a few hours coming through stories in there (a lot of overlap) and have included all the major news events that I came across. In order to expand it significantly we'd need a Korean editor willing to look at Korean language news articles, government sites (korean government sites that have english often only translate a very small percentage of the info), magazines, etc. and write content based on those. unfortunately I didn't come across any well known english language books about hagwons, other than a couple of bad pieces of fiction. A GA is a long way off on this without a dedicated Korean editor. I'm more interested in how it sits now.--Crossmr (talk) 17:30, 31 August 2009 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This is interesting and a good start. I think the article would be improved by the addition of one or more images, perhaps of schools, and some statistics would be nice. How many hagwons are there in Korea? How many students attend Hagwons? How many teachers? What is their distribution; that is, are they found all over the country? How do these numbers compare to public-school numbers? What are the names of the biggest or most prestigious or most profitable hagwons? Can you give any range of figures, converted to dollars, for attending a hagwon? How much do the teachers make? Are charter schools in the U.S. like hagwons? Do any countries aside from South Korea and the U.S. have hagwons?

Lead

• "It is not uncommon for students to be enrolled in several hagwon of different subject areas... " - Since "hagwons" is used elsewhere in the article for the plural, this should be "hagwons".
• "Some in Korean society view hagwons and hagwon owners negatively because of their perception that these schools have caused economic issues for many families or been a factor in the disparity between the education levels of different social classes." - This seems to echo the first half of an earlier sentence saying, "The industry faces criticism because it is seen as creating an unequal footing for the poor and rich in Korea... ". I like the earlier sentence because it is more direct. You probably don't need both.

History and regulations

• "Henry Appenzeller founded the Paichai school... " - Where was it? Seoul? What does Paichai refer to?
• "At the time it was illegal to preach other religions in Korea." - Other than what? Or was all preaching illegal?
• "Although his main goal was to spread his faith, it was still used to learn English by Koreans." - Suggestion: "Although his main goal was to spread his faith, Koreans still used the school to learn English." What was his faith?
• "Through the years the government has relaxed the restrictions on private education by increasingly allowing more individuals and organizations to offer private education[8] until the ban was ruled unconstitutional in the 90s." - Tighten slightly to "Through the years the government relaxed the restrictions on private education by increasingly allowing more individuals and organizations to offer it. The ban was ruled unconstitutional in the 90s."
• "the government reversed its position 5 days later" - Usually numbers from one to nine are spelled out as words.
• "Along with this restrictions, hagwons also had to disclose their tuition amounts... " - "these restrictions" rather than "this restrictions"
• "as well hagwons caught running false advertisements would have their licenses revoked, and they were required to issue cash receipts." - This is not a sentence. Suggestion: "Hagwons caught running false advertisements were subject to having their licenses revoked, and they were required to issue cash receipts."
• "In July of 2009" - Delete "of".

English language instructors

• "The first teacher hired at the government run Tongmunhak... " - What is Tongmunhak?
• "However, due to the preference for having native English speakers teach English, many native English-speakers are still hired to teach at hagwons in Korea." - The "however" suggests that Hallifax was not a native speaker. Maybe "Because of the preference for having native English speakers teach English... " would be better.

I hope these few suggestions prove helpful. Finetooth (talk) 02:40, 6 September 2009 (UTC)