Wikipedia:Peer review/Halle Berry/archive2

Halle Berry[edit]

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for April 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
One peer review done and the sources here have doubled since then. So I thought of requesting another.

Thanks, Ultra! 20:33, 23 April 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: This is an interesting article about a famous living person. I have few suggestions about how it might be improved.

Photos of people looking to the left or right are generally placed to make the eyes look into the page. This brings the reader's attention into the page rather than out beyond the edge. The infobox photo is OK in this regard because Berry is looking straight ahead. In the second photo, however, Berry as Miss Ohio is looking out of the page and should be positioned on the right. Berry at the Comic-Con International should be moved to the left side of the page.

The Miss Ohio photo has another problem. It is too fuzzy. It might work better as a .jpg than a .png. If not, I'd look for a replacement.

The article could be improved by a top-to-bottom copyedit. For example, a paragraph in the International success sections begins, "Rewrites were commissioned to give Berry more screentime for X2. This was because of her earning the Academy Award.[38] Berry stated during interviews for X2 that she would not return as Storm unless the character had a significant presence comparable to the comic-book version. there was little difficulty reaching an agreement.[39] In late 2003, she starred in the psychological thriller Gothika opposite Robert Downey Jr. she broke her arm. Downey was supposed to grab her arm and twist but twisted too hard. Production was halted for eight weeks." In this quoted passage I see choppy prose flow and three sentences starting with a lower-case letter. It's not clear how the Gothika material is related to the X2 material. Perhaps adding "In 2003" to the beginning of the paragraph would make the connection. "Screentime" should be "screen time". I see many similar problems in other sections of the article.

Make sure that the lead summarizes the main text of the article and that it doesn't cover material not mentioned in the main text. For example, Berry's birth date is given in the lead but not mentioned in the main text. When I got to the sentence about diabetes in the "Early life" section, I had to hop back to the lead and do some math to find out how old she was when diagnosed.

A couple of short paragraphs could be improved by expansion. The diabetes paragraph, for example, leads to other questions. How was she treated? Has the disease caused her further problems? How is she doing? Answering one or more of these would make the paragraph more interesting.

Internet refs need title, url, publisher, author if known, date of publication if known, and date accessed. Use {{cite web}} for consistency; I see that it has been used in some places in the article but not others. You can use companion templates such as {{cite news}} and {{cite book}} for other kinds of sources. Complete citation data not only makes it possible for others to check sources for verification, it helps others with their own research on related topics.

Nested sets of quotation marks are handled by using double quotation marks (") for the outer set; single quotation marks (') for the next set, double quotation marks for the third set, and so on. When two sets bump into one another, separate them with a space (' ") instead of ('").

Full dates need to be autoformatted like this: January 10, 2008.

I would try to track down and revise any phrases suggesting POV or interpretation. For example, in the lead I see a sentence that says, "She and Aubry welcomed their first child, a girl named Nahla Ariela Aubry,[7] on March 16, 2008." That's OK as far as I can tell except for the word "welcomed". We must assume they did, but the assumption may not be easy to verify. It would be safer to say, "Their first child, a girl named Nahla Ariela Aubry, was born on March 16, 2008".

I hope this helps. Finetooth (talk) 20:16, 26 April 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Watch capitalization issues, e.g.:

   "Lindy Hemming insisted that She wear a bikini and knife as a homage."

Glane23 (talk) 20:25, 7 May 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Comment Your description of the Adrien Brody incident is unsourced and a little misleading. You should mention that he was actually the winner of the award and not some loony running onto the stage.
You may want to use a sharper image as the main image. The Hamburg one looks good to me.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 15:17, 19 May 2008 (UTC)[reply]