Wikipedia:Peer review/History of Israel/archive1

History of Israel

• A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for July 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article (History of Israel) for peer review because I want to improve it, because despite dealing with a hugely controversial topic it seems to attract little edit warring and because I (said with trepidation) am quite proud of the job I've done on it. There is a major problem with the History_of_Israel#1948:_War_of_independence_and_statehood which is very controversial. The article finishes with the election of Ehud Olmert in 2006 and I am unsure how up-to-date it needs to be. I would welcome suggestions for improvement to the introduction. Thanks, Telaviv1 (talk) 12:45, 28 July 2008 (UTC)

Comments from Cool10191

• I would add History of ancient Israel and Judah to the DAB at that top of article. My initial reaction was: "This article is missing about 3,000 years of information".
• There is alot of short paragraphs, try to expand some of the more important ones to give more information on the event or combine them with other paragraphs. Try to keep you paragraphs about the same size, its easier to read that way.
• Main and See Alsos like Main article: First Intifada should be at the top of the section per MOS.
• split your reflist like this {{reflist|2}}.
• Most references are not formatted properly. Try using the {{cite web}}, {{cite book}} and {{cite news}} templates to maintain consistent formatting Each website also needs at access date added to it.
• Alot of sentances start out "In 2000" or "In 1995". Try breaking the pattern up and using different ways of saying it, like "During 2000", or insert the date later in the paragraph rather that start out with it - that will make for a better read.
• A few more images would not hurt. There is a long stretch of text with no images.
• I would also change your section titles. Example: turn 2006—2008: Ehud Olmert into Ehud Olmert (2006-2008)
• There is a citation tag that needs a ref
• Some parts of the article have no inline citations, you should try to put one for each event - at least one per paragraph. Better refs will also help to enforce NPOV.
• Many of the verbs are future tense, referring to articles that already happened. I would also suggest changing that. For example, change The committee recommended that 100,000 Jews be immediately allowed entry to Palestine and the British government reneged on a promise to Truman that it would abide by the recommendations, rejecting further Jewish immigration to The committee recommended that 100,000 Jews be immediately allowed entry to Palestine and the British government reneged on a promise to Truman that it would abide by the recommendations, and rejected further Jewish immigration
• After doing all that a good copy edit wouldn't hurt either.
• As some overall content additions, some information on the growth of the Isreali ecomony, trends in trade, recessions, booms, would be good. Also some information on the important Isreali corporations, Like maybe pick out the two or three biggest and put in when they were started.
• Some cultural and religious development could also be good.
• To improve your introduction try to use one line out of each top level section of the article. The length of the article deserves a good 3-4 paragraph intro. Give a couple sentences to each decade and be sure to name all the wars and a couple prominent leaders.
• I would not worry so much about information for the last five years or so. At least leave off the last couple years. Until time passes a bit, the merit and view of the events are not fully comprehended.

Hope that helps some. Charles Edward 03:41, 31 July 2008 (UTC)