Wikipedia:Peer review/History of the Montreal Canadiens/archive1

History of the Montreal Canadiens

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I am looking to take this article to featured status in the hopes that it can appear on the main page on the team's 100th anniversary date in the first week of December. The biggest challenge is the prose quality, and overall flow. Any suggestions, of course are welcomed. Thanks! Resolute 04:25, 11 August 2009 (UTC)

a comment by doncram In the intro it is stated that the team "was a founding member of the National Hockey League (NHL) and then later that "Less than two months after founding the NHL, the Canadiens' home rink ... was destroyed by fire in January 1918." The latter wording implies more, that the Canadiens were the founder of the NHL. Which is a little jarring to me as a reader, because of the name National Hockey League, for which I have the impression National refers to the United States. If the Canadiens founded it, they would have named it differently. So, anyhow, how major a role did the team have in founding the NHL? Perhaps state that it was one of _(number)_ teams that co-founded the NHL, upfront, so as not to overstate its role. doncram (talk) 18:23, 17 August 2009 (UTC)

Actually, reading further i see it explained that the Canadiens were one of 4 teams co-founding the NHL, and looking each of them up, i see all four are Canadian teams. So the National meant Canadian then. At any rate, saying that the Canadiens co-founded the National Hockey League with three other Canadian hockey teams (at a time when National meant Canadian) seems very relevant in the intro. I expect many readers will be from the U.S. and will not know that NHL refers (or referred) to Canada. doncram (talk) 18:30, 17 August 2009 (UTC)

I simply removed the "less than two months after founding..." statement, as it seemed redundant. It is stated in the article body (National Hockey Association section) that the Canadians co-founded the NHL with other teams from Montreal, Quebec City and Ottawa. It is thus implied there that "National = Canadian" in the original context of the league name. I'm not entirely certain that this is relevant enough for the lead, but it can't hurt either, so I'll note it. thanks! Resolute 19:08, 17 August 2009 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This seems comprehensive, well-sourced, well-illustrated, neutral, and stable. Not a hockey expert by any means, I have suggestions mostly about small prose issues and a few things related to the Manual of Style. Good luck with the pursuit of FA for this one.

Lead

• "was founded on December 4, 1909 along... " - When a full date like this one appears in the middle of a sentence, it gets another comma after the year; i.e., "December 4, 1909, along... ".
• "nearly relocating to Cleveland, Ohio in 1935... " - When a city-state combination like this appears in the middle of a sentence, it gets a comma after the state; i.e, "nearly relocating to Cleveland, Ohio, in 1935... ".
• "Less than two months after founding the NHL, the Canadiens' home rink... " - Since the home rink didn't found the NHL, it might be better to say, "Less than two months after the founding of the NHL, the Canadiens' home rink... ".
• "as well as 10 builders" - Should "builders" be linked to something or briefly explained?

Founding

• "they moved into a smaller arena that would reduce the visiting team's share of gate receipts" - Wikilink gate receipts?
• "and two teams that O'Brien owned in Ontario mining towns Cobalt and Haileybury" - Suggestion: "and two teams that O'Brien owned in the Ontario mining towns of Cobalt and Haileybury"
• "Gardner sold O'Brien on the idea of a team of francophone players" - Wikilink francophone?
• "not considered to be good enough to play with the top anglophone" - Wikilink anglophone? Or use "English-speaking"?

1910–1917: National Hockey Association

• "The two teams played a two-game championship series, with the winner being the team that scored more goals in the two games combined." - "With" doesn't make a very good conjunction. Suggestion: "The teams played a two-game championship series in which the winner was the team that scored the most goals in the two games combined."
• "The best-of-five series went the distance, with the deciding game held at Westmount Arena in Montreal on March 30, 1916." - Suggestion: "With the best-of-five series tied at 2–2, the teams played the deciding game at Westmount Arena in Montreal on March 30, 1916".
• "The now familiar red jersey with a blue stripe was introduced in 1913" - Suggestion: "The team's red jersey with a blue stripe was introduced in 1913".
• "destroyed its gymnasium and the Montreal Canadians lacrosse team failed." - Wikilink lacrosse?

1917–1932: Early National Hockey League

• "en route to a league leading 44 goal season" - Hyphens?
• "Defenceman Joe Hall died as a result of the flu on April 5, 1919." - Tighten to "Defenceman Joe Hall died from the flu on April 5, 1919."
• "Kennedy died in 1921; he had never recovered from the 1919 flu bug." - Delete "bug"?
• "star of the series, scoring a hat-trick in game one" - Wikilink hat trick?

1932–1946: Howie Morenz and Rocket Richard

• "His return to Montreal lasted less than a season, as Morenz suffered a broken leg in four places during a game in January 1937 after his skate caught on the ice while he was being checked by Chicago's Earl Seibert." - Suggestion: "His return to Montreal lasted less than a season. In January 1937, he broke his leg in four places when his skate caught on the ice while he was being checked by Chicago's Earl Seibert."
• "A benefit game held in November 1937 and raised $20,000 for Morenz's family as the NHL All-Stars defeated the Montreal Canadiens 6–5." - Missing word?
• "The Canadiens won only ten games, still the worst in franchise history." - It's a bit awkward to say "still" since that could mean almost anything. Does it mean "at that time" or does it mean "through 2009"?

1946–1967: The Original Six

• "people were arrested, 37 people injured, fifty stores were looted and $100,000" - "50" rather than "fifty" for consistency within the sentence
• "Richard, the first 500 goal scorer in NHL history" - Hyphen? "500-goal"?
• "trading aging stars to expansion teams for draft picks" - Wikilink draft?
• "the game was delayed 20 minutes" - WP:NBSP says in part, "Wikipedia recommends the use of a non-breaking space (also known as a hard space) when necessary to prevent the end-of-line displacement of elements that would be awkward at the beginning of a new line." Just to be safe, I'm inclined to add the nbsp codes to things like "20 minutes", "37 people", and the like.

1967–1979: Expansion era and the '70s dynasty

• Probably the more formal "1970s" is preferable to '70s.
• "following Soviet goaltender Vladislav Tretiak's 35 save performance" - Hyphen?
• "won 60 games in an 80 game schedule" - Hyphen?
• "The error resulted in a too many men penalty" - Hyphens?

1980–1996: Transitions

• "proved a turning point in the game as Montreal scored five third period goals" - Hyphen?
• "Another rookie, Brian Skrudland scored the game winning goal just nine seconds" - Hyphen?
• "They missed the playoffs in four of their next ten seasons and have failed to seriously compete for the Stanley Cup since." - It would be safer to say "through 2009" since next year might be different.

1996–present: New home and new owners

• "Present" is also tricky. It would be safer to do it this way: "1996– : New home and new owners".Or maybe "Since 1996".
• "The eighth seeded Canadiens upset the Bruins" - Hyphen?
• "who braved temperatures of −20 degrees Celsius" - This should be converted to Fahrenheit as well. I like to use the {{convert}} template, thus: −20 °C (−4 °F).

References

• It would probably be good to arrange the items in the "General" list alphabetically by last name.
• Bibliographic data for books generally includes the place of publication as well as the publisher.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 21:00, 17 August 2009 (UTC)

Well damn... that was some review! I appreciate the thouroughness, and will look into addressing these concerns in the next couple days. Thanks! Resolute 22:49, 17 August 2009 (UTC)

Everything should be addressed except for the publication locations - that will take a bit to find out - and the hyphens on stats. The last article I took through FAC (Jarome Iginla), it was suggested to use non-breaking spaces. I'll have to figure which way I should go, lol. Thanks again, Resolute 02:53, 18 August 2009 (UTC)