Wikipedia:Peer review/Jessica Gallagher/archive1

Jessica Gallagher

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I am considering listing it for Good Article. I'm not completely sure what Good Article reviewers are likely to be looking for in an article about a Paralympic medalist, especially when there is a possibility of limited sources. Feedback around organisation, completeness, need for any tables, spelling and grammar, and any other outstanding issues in the article that may hinder a GA review appreciated. :)

Thanks, LauraHale (talk) 02:31, 9 November 2011 (UTC)

RJH Comments

• I noticed that there are many, many sentences begin with "She". This makes the writing seem, well, a little basic. I'd like to recommend that you try rewording many of these sentences so this pattern is less apparent.
• In the lede it says "...is a Paralympic alpine skier...". Since Paralympic is not linked, it might be good to explain this a little.
• "When not competing, she is an osteopath": this is perhaps a little too brief. Do we know where she practices? Is she just an osteopath or a osteopathic physician?
• "Her heroes are her mother, Mike Edwards, John Boas and Steve Gaffney": some context would be good here, such as who these people are and why they are Jessica's heroes.
• There are a few sentences that, while technically complete, seem a little brief. For example, "She had a time of 2:04.35" and "She is coached by Steve Graham". Perhaps they could be combined with neighboring text?

I hope these observations help a little. Regards, RJH (talk) 05:21, 26 November 2011 (UTC)

Observations good. :) I am really good at sourcing articles, but I have a major problem with formatting prose around facts I can write and cite. --LauraHale (talk) 09:05, 26 November 2011 (UTC)

• Wikilinked Paralympic alpine skiing in lead to provide an explanation. --LauraHale (talk) 09:05, 26 November 2011 (UTC)
• Added an explanation as to her coach was. Combined the time into the previous sentence. --LauraHale (talk) 09:11, 26 November 2011 (UTC)
• Comment: I've looked and looked and I cannot find more information about her work outside athletics. :( --LauraHale (talk) 21:21, 26 November 2011 (UTC)
• Clarified who Mike Edwards, John Boas and Steve Gaffney are. --LauraHale (talk) 21:35, 26 November 2011 (UTC)
• Made those sentences longer, and tried to remove some of the occurrences of she. --LauraHale (talk) 23:46, 26 November 2011 (UTC)

Basement12 comments

A nice article on a Paralympian, I know how hard they can be to find info for. A few comments some of which may be beyond GA criteria

• I find the image in the infobox a bit strange - not only is it not of the athlete herself but the medal isn't even hers. Not a bad image to have somewhere but personally I wouldn't make it so prominent.
• "When not competing, she is a registered osteopath" - a bit of a technicality but I assume she doesn't cease to be registered when she is competing?
• Sports - I'm unsure of the ordering here, the lede suggests Gallagher is mostly a skier and athlete yet in this section others are brought up first. Chronologically this could make sense but the the skiing section says she competed in skiing because of problems with athletics classifications. The ordering of sections needs to be based on one clear criterion. I'd also remove the word competitive from the subtitles, the distinction from recreation is clear from reading the sections themselves.
• "...event in Austria and won a medal" - was this a gold/silver/bronze/some other kind of medal.

Hope that helps - Basement12 (T.C) 00:42, 2 December 2011 (UTC)