Wikipedia:Peer review/Kew Asylum/archive1

Kew Asylum

• A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for November 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I would like some help or suggestions to improve the article with the aim of raising it to FA standard. Kew Asylum is my first WP article, I've managed to get it to GA (many thanks to those who've helped) but I'm unsure of where to start with improving it further

Thanks, Shelbypark (talk) 01:39, 19 November 2008 (UTC)

DeepestGreen comments: This is a great article that I really enjoyed reviewing. Very briefly, here are some suggestions for improvement.

• The use of an unpublished PhD thesis as a primary source is likely to be questioned at FA. For instance, in the first lead paragraph there is a sentence that ends: to house the growing number of "lunatics", "inebriates" and "idiots" in the Colony of Victoria. This suggests to me that the terms quoted are from a source contemporary to the period in which the asylum was built, rather than the words of the thesis author. If this is the case, it would be better to access the original source and quote from there, or couch the sentence in more modern terms. This applies to other uses of the thesis as a primary source throughout the article.
• The asylum's buildings are typical examples of the French Second Empire style which was popular in Victorian era Melbourne. -> I suggest that the term 'Victorian' already implies 'era'. I chose the term Victorian era to differentiate from Victorian ie belonging to the state of Victoria, the state of Australia in which Kew Asylum resides
• Designed to be elegant, beautiful, yet substantial to be viewed as 'a magnificent asylum for the insane' -> Suggest yet substantial, and to be viewed as done
• Kew Asylum had a difficult and chequered history resulting in several inquiries -> can a history result in several inquiries? Were the problems specific to Kew? Are the issues mentioned in fact any different from those at the other hospitals in the area?
• Kew Asylum and its complex of buildings was registered on the Register of the National Estate in March 1978. This sentence seems out of place at the end of the lead. moved and elaborated
• Yarra Bend Asylum, while only six years old, was considered "altogether unsuitable" -> quote needs sourcing.
• healthy came from a wider Victorian era belief that -> unnecessary 'era' as mentioned above.
• foetid atmosphere of squalor -> your words or a quote?was a quote, but not a neccessary one
• that miasmas carried impure air -> a miasma was impure air.fixed
• After Frederick Kawerau's resignation -> what happened here? clarified and elaborated
• The asylum complex is an example of the E-plan barracks type lunatic asylums based on the model 1850s asylum in Colney Hatch, England. - barracks type lunatic asylum? are you sure? needs a source.
• The central administration block is three storeyed with an attic mansard roof -> not quite sure what is meant by attic mansard, the attic is perhaps redundant. was in original reference, but does sound daft. Done
• Two storeyed ward wings extend to each side, one for each sex. -> slightly ambiguous, two storeys, two wings, or both?
• Whilst Kew's plan and detail are similar -> While is generally preferred to whilst. done
• The useful image kewhaha.jpg would be better redrawn and the text removed from the image and added as a caption, especially as it is used in other articles. done
• It is not known if Linaker was responsible for the oak avenues, but it appears that many of the conifers -> appears to whom? Original research?
• Up until after World War I -> Suggest - Until the end of World War I done
• Belongings, such as books and clothes, were often returned to friends or family as patients were required to dress in institutional clothes. -> reason given for clothes being returned, but why books or other belongings? Done, but I need to add the reference
• and large number of alcoholics were moved out of the lunatic asylums -> large number? done
• The first sentence in Investigations and Inquiries is a repeat of that in the lead. A bit more detail relating to the findings of the inquiries would be useful.
• The section titled Changing names, changing society could be cut down, and then perhaps expanded to include what life at Kew was like through these changes.
• An extensive Conservation Analysis was completed in 1988[40] from which the bulk of the original buildings were recommended to be conserved. suggest ->An extensive Conservation Analysis was completed in 1988[40] that recommended the bulk of the original buildings be conserved. done
• Overall this is an interesting little article that has some nice illustrations - especially poignant is the woodcut from 1876. I think perhaps the article needs more about what life was like at Kew for both staff and patients. The final section (Documented histories of Kew Asylum) contains references to material that might provide a good basis for such a section.
• Finally, I think perhaps the inline citations need attention. It might be preferable to have a list of references and use a footnotes section to indicate the individual page numbers - something like this page for example.

I hope this review helps. It was my first review as well as your first article! If I can be of any help at all, please let me know. I'd be very happy to help. Yours DeepestGreen[talk] 11:56, 25 November 2008 (UTC)

Deepest Green - thank you VERY MUCH for reviewing the article, and for your excellent comments. I'll definitely do some work on the references and inline citations - they're out of control! Shelbypark (talk) 21:17, 25 November 2008 (UTC)

Done some of the updating, more to follow Shelbypark (talk) 13:02, 27 December 2008 (UTC)