Wikipedia:Peer review/Lewis Nicola/archive1

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Lewis Nicola[edit]

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I want Lewis Nicola's page to be GA. With me being the only editor, things have easily ran together. The two main, main concerns I have is the lead and the references. For the lead, I'm never certain what to put in or leave out, so I am a bit confused about that. For the references, I used one source for nearly footnotes. I don't know if there is a MOS thing about it or not, but I would appreciate some feedback on what to do about that. As always, however, all comments are greatly appreciated!

Thanks,
—Michael Jester (talk · contribs) 14:43, 3 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]


Comments

  • An interesting individual. A few ideas/comments below, mostly copy-editing:
  • On the lead, it feels the right sort of length. Some the sentences probably need to run together slightly more smoothly, e.g. "Nicola's parents bought him a commission into the British Army in 1740. Twenty-six years later, he and his family moved to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania." could become "He became an officer in the British Army, serving in Ireland and Belgium, but in 1756 moved with his family to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania." perhaps.
  • " Throughout the war..." - "During the war..."?
  • "Washington was horrified at the suggestion. However, the relationship of the two men later went back to normal." - you could probably delete this detail from the lead without losing the impact of the intro.
  • "and re-naming it" - worth checking the grammar here (the subject of the sentence is the library at this point)
  • "only after nine issues" > "after only nine issues"
  • "for the next 3 years" - "for the next three years"
  • "for various reason, Washington denied it" > "for various reasons"
  • "Nicola sent out an arrest for Sergeant Major Jonathan Guy for giving clothes of the Continental Army to the British" - "arrest warrant"? "clothes" or "uniforms"?
  • "During court trials, Nicola had to hire men from other units as the jury" - did you really mean "hire"? (i.e. he had to pay them?)
  • "due to the fact that he faced difficulties have high-ranked officers" - I didn't quite understand this bit
    • What I'm trying to say is he didn't have the men qualified to be hire-ranking officials. I reworded it, but it still sounds a tad choppy.
      —Michael Jester (talk · contribs) 23:43, 5 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • "his current pay was unable to purchase food or even clothes" - his pay could be "insufficient to purchase..." or he could be "unable to purchase..."
    • Changed.23:43, 5 January 2012 (UTC)
  • "Nicola begged Robert Morris, the Continental superintendent of finance, the same month for the money that the Congress did not pay the Corps" - I didn't understand this bit
    • Well Congress never paid the Invalid Corps, and Nicola begged Robert Morris to have the Corps receive their pay. How do you think I should reword it?
      —Michael Jester (talk · contribs) 23:43, 5 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • " Nicola wrote under the name of the now famous letter from George Washington Newburgh letter, " - this wasn't clear. Did you mean "Nichola wrote the now famous Newburgh letter to George Washington"?
  • " he became management of the workhouse " > "manager of the workhouse"?
  • "This pamphlet," - you don't need the comma here
  • "$822.25 today" - you'll want to give the date here (e.g. "$822.25 at 2011 prices" - or whatever: the reference is to 2002, so you might want to get an updated figure). Hchc2009 (talk) 21:06, 5 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you Hchc2009 for the comments.
—Michael Jester (talk · contribs) 23:43, 5 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]

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