Wikipedia:Peer review/List of Utah state symbols/archive1

List of Utah state symbols

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I am a crappy writer. The article will be submitted as a Featured Article candidate. Bgwhite (talk) 21:49, 3 February 2011 (UTC)

Ruhrfisch comments: Thanks for your work on this article. Any article with the word "List" in the title would seem to me to be a candidate for Featured List (and WP:FAC will quick close lists nominated there), so I think your goal should be WP:FLC. Here are some suggestions for improvement with FLC in mind.

• A model article is useful for ideas and examples to follow. There are already five FLs on state symbols: List of Indiana state symbols (promoted January 2008), List of Kentucky state symbols (promoted August 2007), List of Maryland state symbols (promoted July 2007), List of Oregon state symbols (promoted December 2009), and List of Washington state symbols (promoted February 2010). I would use the last two as models as they were promoted most recently, thought I like the sorting of the first three by broad category.
• I would also mention the whole bee / beehive / industry / Deseret thing in the lead, since 6 or 7 of the symbols have a connection to this.
• For a general beehive image, why not use one of the the state highway shields, like File:Utah SR 1.svg?
• The prose isn't crappy, but it could use a copyedit. In the lead Utah's first symbol, the Great Seal of the State of Utah, was adopted April 3, 1896, at the first regular session of the Legislature created when Utah became a state in 1896.[2] is a bit awkward and could be something like In 1896 Utah became a state, and on April 3 the Utah legislature, in its first regular session, adopted its first symbol, the Great Seal of the State of Utah. (avoids passive voice, avoids repeating the year, and is a bit tighter)
• I would add "As of 2011" at the start of The newest symbol of Utah is English, declared the official state language in 2008.
• I don't have time to copyedit this, but you can ask at WP:GOCE or at the bottom of WP:PRV
• Why is "Dance" not in bold face type like the others?
• Need some sort of description for the English entry
• I would use a crop of the flag or seal for Industry's image
• I would link the whole phrase "The Great Seal of the State of Utah" to Seal of Utah and not just the word "seal"
• Why was Dubhe chosen as the state star? What was the rationale?
• The unofficial symbols section needs some sort of introductory text to make it clear why these were chosen and not other unofficial symbols.
• On my monitor the tables are not the same width and it would look better if they were - might need a {{clear}} at the end of the lead as the map image is compressing the top table
• Please make sure that the existing text includes no copyright violations, plagiarism, or close paraphrasing. For more information on this please see Wikipedia:Wikipedia_Signpost/2009-04-13/Dispatches. (This is a general warning given in all peer reviews, in view of previous problems that have risen over copyvios.)

Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Wikipedia:Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). I do not watch peer reviews, so if you have questions or comments, please contact me on my talk page. Yours, Ruhrfisch _><>°^° 16:56, 8 February 2011 (UTC)