Wikipedia:Peer review/Lola Versus Powerman and the Moneygoround, Part One/archive1

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Lola Versus Powerman and the Moneygoround, Part One[edit]

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because…

I'd like to see it get to GA class. I nominated it a while back, but I believe that was a bit premature for the article. I've withdrawn it so I can work on it a little longer. Until then, I'd like to hear any comments, praise and criticism you have for the article - whatever helps me improve it.

Many thanks in advance, I.M.S. (talk) 20:26, 2 November 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Comments: First of all, congrats on all the progress this article has seen over the past couple weeks. Here are some suggestions:

Lead

  • "...[Note 1]" --> "..., sometimes titled Kinks Part One: Lola Versus Powerman and the Moneygoround,"
  • "concept album" --> "concept album"
  • Second paragraph uses "hit" a lot. Perhaps change to "which reached the top 10 in the US and UK, and 'Apeman', which peaked at number five in the UK."
  • Second paragraph: combine with first paragraph

Recording

  • Is the sub-heading needed? As the article's currently written, I suggest changing title of section to Background and recording
  • Ray Davies --> Ray Davies
  • "the next single the Kinks would release," --> "the band's next single,"
  • "took especially long" --> "were especially long"
  • Martin and National Steel: these links are disambiguations
  • "The National Steel would play an integral part in many Kinks songs after that.": Short, stand-alone paragraph could use further explanation ("How so?", "Which songs?", etc.)
  • "(see 'controversies' section)": not needed.

Songs

  • In the caption of the "Lola" audio sample, I would clarify which two sections are featured. Also, Lola --> "Lola"
  • royalty: this link is a disambiguation
  • "(see 'Soundtrack appearances')": not needed.
  • "with a B-side of 'Rats'.": not needed, as it's stated in the previous sentence.

Controversies and dubbing

  • "A similar situation was encountered with the song 'Apeman'.": Explain.

Aftermath

  • "The success of the single" --> "The success of 'Lola'" or "The success of the singles"
  • which they named "Konk" --> "which they named "Konk",
  • Chart Success: rename Chart performance

Soundtrack appearances

  • Short, stand-alone paragraphs. I would combine them and expand if possible (has "Lola" been used for any TV programs or movies?)

Track listing

  • I'd mention the "Introduction" here, since earlier it is noted that "Introduction" is often billed as track one.

Notes

  • The notes need some cleanup, as many lack publishers, access dates, authors, etc.
  • Overall, the article is well-written, and is an interesting read. Keep up the good work.  Gongshow Talk 01:31, 6 November 2009 (UTC)[reply]
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