Wikipedia:Peer review/Lord Denning/archive1

Lord Denning

• A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for January 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I'm looking to (eventually) send it to FAR. I'm sure there are large chunks missing and some MoS errors; it is the first time I've really done an article of such length. I'm grateful for any pointers people can give me.

Thanks, Ironholds (talk) 19:54, 18 January 2009 (UTC)

Brianboulton comments: It may take me a while to work through the whole article, and I may not be able to do it all (there's a great shortage of reviewers at PR at the moment). I'll do my best. Here are some comments on the lead and first few sections.

The areas of concern in the prose identified so far can be summed up:

• Sentence structures, often confusing and/or misleading
• Adequacy of punctuation
• Missing in-line citations
• Linking
• Proper use of quote marks
• Occasional excessive detail

• Lead
  • The second sentence is very awkwardly constructed. Also "joining the Bar" will not convey to everyone that he was starting a legal career. I suggest that this whole sentence be rewritten, thus: "He gained degrees in mathematics and law at Oxford University, although his studies were disrupted by his service in World War I. He then began his legal career, distinguishing himself as a barrister and becoming a King's Counsel in 1938." (note link on barrister)
  • "He joined the judiciary..." This means he became a judge, so why not say so plainly?
  • "Denning was held in high regard by much of the judiciary, the Bar and the public..." Is this cited somewhere? Also the stuff about his bold judgements: is that cited?
• Early life and studies
  • "He was named after Alfred the Great by his sister Marjorie, and was baptised on 23 April 1899 at All Hallows Church, Whitchurch, by J.H.Hodgson." Citation required. Also I think "by J.H. Hodgson" is excessive detail.
  • The phrase "along with his older brother Gordon" is misplaced. The sentence should read: "Denning was initially educated, along with his older brother Gordon, at the..."
  • You should use proper (") quotes around "The Great Authors", etc
  • "Lecturers" do not exist in English schools. The term appropriate to 1914 is "schoolmaster".
  • Link required on matriculation
  • After arriving he made friends with Sir Herbert Warren, the President of the College". Surely, "made friends with" is the wrong phrase here - 17-year-old freshmen don't "make friends" with their college President. Perhaps "made a favourable impression on" would be more appropriate.
  • The term "Mathematical Moderations" needs explanation. "Moderations" could be linked.
• War Work
  • Link (by way of pipe) "systolic murmer"
  • Sentence beginning "He successfully appealed..." has two "ands" in it, and needs reconstructing.
  • Comma required after "serve in the armed forces"
  • The sentence "Shortly after completing one a German aeroplane dropped a bomb on it" needs reconstruction and punctuation
  • Last sentence needs a citation
• Return to Oxford
  • The university term Mathematical Greats needs explaining
  • Proper quote marks required for the direct quotations in this section ("read up on the night before" etc)
  • Jurisprudence needs a link
  • Another reconstruction and punctuation job: "Thanks to Warren, Denning was offered the Eldon Law Scholarship, worth £100 a year, to finance his studies".

I will try to continue this review later, but it may be a day or two. Brianboulton (talk) 23:37, 24 January 2009 (UTC)

With points like the last one could you give examples of a way to 'reconstruct it'? If I knew how to do that properly it wouldn't be in that state. Ironholds (talk) 23:39, 24 January 2009 (UTC)

The last "reconstruction and punctuation job"; is your sentence the format you would advise? Ironholds (talk) 23:58, 24 January 2009 (UTC)

It's how I'd write it, yes. Brianboulton (talk) 23:18, 25 January 2009 (UTC)

Done. Ironholds (talk) 23:25, 25 January 2009 (UTC)