Wikipedia:Peer review/Los Angeles Lakers/archive2
Los Angeles Lakers[edit]
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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because its part of an NBA wikiproject FA push. Myself and other editors have done a lot of work on it. I'm not a Lakers fan so I've been concentrating on neutrality, a category which I feel I've helped in. Its long by standard measurements, but its only 39kb of prose. That isn't really long considering Edward Elgar, an article on a 19th century British composer, recently passed FAC with broad, unanimous support, while containing 57kb of prose.
Thanks, AaronY (talk) 22:48, 3 December 2010 (UTC)
Finetooth comments: This seems comprehensive and generally well-written and illustrated. It has some layout problems that should not be hard to fix, and another proofing would be a good idea, particularly a sweep to ensure subject-verb agreement, as noted below.
"Text sandwiches"
- The Manual of Style advises against creating text sandwiches between images on the left and right sides of the page. A text sandwich occurs in the "1968–1974: Wilt arrives" section that I think you can fix by moving Gail Goodrich down about a half-dozen lines.
- A bigger problem occurs in "2004–2007: Rebuilding" and the section below it. Here you have a text sandwich and an image that overlaps two sections, another MOS no-no. You might be able to make File:BynumLAL.jpg fit by greatly shortening the caption. Probably one of the other two will have to be deleted to make the layout work. MOS:IMAGES has details about image placement.
- The Phil Jackson and Pat Riley images overlap sections starting with "Head coaches". Perhaps you could combine two short sections under a single head to make a section big enough for both images.
Subject-verb agreement
- This sentence occurs in the "1989–1999: Post-"Showtime" dry spell": "The next two seasons, Los Angeles made the playoffs, but were eliminated in the second and first round, respectively." - When you use "team" or "Boston" or "Los Angeles" as the subject, I think you need to use a singular verb to match the subject; i.e., Los Angeles was. On the other hand, "Lakers were" would be fine since "Lakers" is plural. It would be good to go through the article once more looking for more instances like this and fixing them; i.e., "Boston is", but the "Celtics are".
Lead
- NFL, WBNA, WBL, MVP, and other abbreviations are usually spelled out as well as abbreviated on first use in an article, as you have done with National Basketball Association (NBA).
- "... the team acquired another multiple MVP award winning center, this time Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, in 1975... " - Too many adjectives. Suggestion: "... in 1975 the team acquired another center, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, who had won multiple MVP awards... "
- "They also hold the record for longest winning streak (33) in NBA history in the 1971–72 season." - Thus us a bit awkward because it seems to say that they held the longest winning streak of that particular year. Suggestion: "They also hold the record for the NBA's longest winning streak (33), set during the 1971–72 season."
1947–59
- "They had hired Mikan, who had been the team's General Manager for the previous two seasons... " - This should be "general manager" without the caps, just like "head coach".
1959–68
- "Led by Baylor's 34.8 ppg and 19.8 rpg, Los Angeles won 11 more games in West's first season." - This might be interpreted to mean that the team won only 11 games that season. I think you mean that they won 11 more than the year before; that is, 36 games.
- "a potential game winning 18 foot jump shot" - Add hyphens to compound adjectives; i.e., "a potential game-winning 18-foot jump shot".
- Would it make sense to link "jump shot" to jump shot (basketball) here on first use in the article? How about "center" and "forward" in the first sentence of the first section after the lead? Ditto for any other special terms that some readers might not understand.
1974–1979"
- Something is missing from the caption, "Los Angeles acquired Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in the 1975." Or should "the" be deleted?
1979–1989
- "Using last year's Finals defeat as motivation... " - It might be more clear to say, "Using the past year's Finals defeat as motivation... ".
1999–2004
- "After taking a three games to one lead in the Western Conference Finals, the Trail Blazers won the next two games to force a game seven." - The logic of this sentence is that the Blazers took a 3–1 lead in the series, but that's not correct. Suggestion: "After the Lakers took a 3–1 lead in the Western Conference Finals, the Trail Blazers won the next two games to force a game seven."
- "The 2003–04 team played in a media circus created by the teaming of four stars and the Kobe Bryant sexual assault case." - The sentence suggests that the the media circus focused on the teaming of four stars with a sexual assault case, but that is not the case. Suggestion: "During the 2003–04 season, the media often focused on the team's four stars and on a sexual-assault case involving Kobe Bryant."
- "and wrote a book about the Lakers 2003–04 season where he heavily criticized Bryant" - "Where" seems to modify "season". Suggestion: "and wrote a book, in which he heavily criticized Bryant, about the Lakers 2003–04 season".
References
- Citation 65 has a date format that should be flipped from 14 December 2010 to December 14, 2010. All of the citations should use the same date formatting.
I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR; that is where I found this one. I don't usually watch the PR archives or check corrections or changes. If my comments are unclear, please ping me on my talk page. Finetooth (talk) 03:45, 16 December 2010 (UTC)
- Comment We have some people working on those right now. I have an additional comment; should we mention their cheerleaders in here? I have a source that says while they were in Mennesota they became the first team to have cheerleaders. AaronY (talk) 18:02, 18 December 2010 (UTC)