Wikipedia:Peer review/Nightswimming (Awake)/archive1

Nightswimming (Awake)

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I would like to get this article up to FA status ASAP.

Thanks, TBrandley 18:12, 21 August 2012 (UTC)

 Doing... TRLIJC19 (talk • contribs) 05:32, 22 August 2012 (UTC)

Comments from TRLIJC19

• Lead
  • "Written by Leonard Chang and co-executive producer Davey Holmes and directed by executive producer Jeffrey Reiner, "Nightswimming" was watched by 2.80 million viewers and earned a 0.9 rating in the 18–49 demographic upon its initial broadcast in the United States." -- Sounds weird to have two "and"s in such close sequence. Would read better as: "Written by Leonard Chang and co-executive producer Davey Holmes, while directed by executive producer Jeffrey Reiner, "Nightswimming" was watched by 2.80 million viewers and earned a 0.9 rating in the 18–49 demographic upon its initial broadcast in the United States.
    •  Done
  • "Meanwhile, in the "red reality", Michael and Hannah prepare for a new life in Oregon after deciding to move there." -- Link Oregon (states can be linked per MOS).
    •  Done
  • "The music featured in this episode is "Pain in My Heart" by Otis Redding, which was played during a scene in which Michael is seen shirtless, though he is also seen shirtless in another scene in the episode, which commended filming at an actual campus swimming pool." -- Run-on. Would read better: "The music featured in this episode was "Pain in My Heart" by Otis Redding, which was played during a scene in which Michael is seen shirtless. He is also seen shirtless in another scene of the episode, which commended filming at an actual campus swimming pool."
    •  Done
  • "Several of the episode's themes have been critically examined; it was filmed in Los Angeles, California, and featured eight guest performances." -- Awkward joining of two unrelated topics due to the improper use of the semicolon. Would be better as: "Several of the episode's themes have been critically examined, and it was filmed in Los Angeles, California, featuring eight guest performances.
    •  Done

• Plot
  • Per WP:TVPLOT, "summaries for episode articles should be about 200 to 500 words". That said, this article's plot section is 778 words, and needs some serious condensing.
    • Okay. I'll remove some details that can go right now, etc.
      •  Done. How's it look now? I've tried to match the style to Triangle (The X-Files), a new FA.
        • Still 622 words. Can you match it to the plot summary of "Say Hello to My Little Friend"; that article is actually an Awake article, unlike "Triangle".
          • They are both FAs, so it doesn't really matter. I try to shorten a bit more.
            • If a FA episode article exists of the same show, it is a much better model than an unrelated show, so actually, it does matter.
              • Well, regardless, I have shorten the plot summary some more, and tried to match the best I can, with "Say Hello to My Little Friend".  Done.
  • I'll add more comments here after the condensing is complete.
    • K.
      • It's done now, as seen above. Think it should be ready for more comments here.

• Production
  • "Alexander, Zurer, Melendez, Blackman, Holden and Todorov also marked their first and only appearances as Marcus, Alina, Hollander, Vasily, Shapiro and Alexander." -- This sentence is ungrammatically correct. It should read: "Alexander, Zurer, Melendez, Blackman, Holden and Todorov made their first and only appearances as Marcus, Alina, Hollander, Vasily, Shapiro and Alexander, respectively."
    •  Done

• This is a pretty good article, but the prose is not yet of featured quality. Some examples follow, but this needs a copyedit.
  • "When the last scene was filmed that day, when he ran up the stairs, his material fell off." -- Double usage of "when", in close succession.
    •  Done
  • "He claimed that it fell of due to it being held only by a piece of Scotch Tape." -- It's "fell off" not "of".
    •  Done
  • "Isaacs thought that the "[team of Awake] were going to have to withdrawal the footage", but was happy to see that part of that scene "ended up in the episode". -- Ungrammatical (ie. the "team of Awake was ..." not "were".) Also, "withdraw" not "withdrawal".
    •  Done
  • "Writing for HitFix, Alan Sepinwall opined that Michael is "coming to grips with Hannah's desire to move to Oregon because he loves her that much",[7] thought the Brittens later decided not to move to Oregon in "Slack Water", the series' tenth episode, due to personal concerns." -- Run-on and typos (It should say "though the Brittens..." not "thought the Brittens...").
    •  Done
  • "He claimed that the installment opens to "introduce us to what makes Hannah and Michael so special", and that "for [sic] most of the series, there hasn't been much chemistry between the two" throughout the program's episodes." -- "Throughout the program's episodes" is redundant of the quoted material directly before.
    •  Done
  • "Sepinwall was disappointed with the overall storyline of the "green reality"; he claimed that if the episode was only based on the "red reality", the entry would have been "perfectly fine".[7] Handlen thought that if the "red reality" storyline was not featured in this installment, it would not work as an episode." -- No lead-in to Handlen's contrast. (ie. "Contrasting with Sepinwall's opinion, Handlen..." would be better.)
    •  Done
  • There's also a few weasel words, an inconsistency with the usage of the serial comma (ie. A, B, and C -- or A, B and C), and an excessive improper use of [sic].
    •  Partly done. Where are some weasel words?
      • The automatic PR flagged "apparently".
        •  Done. I've just removed that word. TBrandley 17:00, 24 August 2012 (UTC)

TRLIJC19 (talk • contribs) 16:33, 24 August 2012 (UTC)

• I've addressed all of the above concerns. How's the article looking now? TBrandley 17:38, 24 August 2012 (UTC)
  • Looks pretty good. You have a copyeditor, right? I would ask him to really do a really good run-through. TRLIJC19 (talk • contribs) 18:21, 24 August 2012 (UTC)
    • The user just completed his copy-edit. He said it was good. I'll try to look also. TBrandley 18:26, 24 August 2012 (UTC)
      • Clearly he missed things; I listed numerous typos and grammatical errors above, that he should have picked up. Either ask someone else, or ask him to run through it again. TRLIJC19 (talk • contribs) 18:31, 24 August 2012 (UTC)
        • Well, I'll try to fix the typos with AWB. TBrandley 18:44, 24 August 2012 (UTC)
          • I don't think you're understanding. The prose in this article is not of "brilliant" quality, as required for FAs. This needs a copyedit by a good copyeditor, not just typo fixes from AWB. TRLIJC19 (talk • contribs) 18:45, 24 August 2012 (UTC)
            • I understand that. I'm saying that I might as well fix some typos with AWB, to get started. I understand that. TBrandley 18:47, 24 August 2012 (UTC)