Wikipedia:Peer review/Ottawa Senators (original)/archive1

Ottawa Senators (original)

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because ...

I've worked a lot on it (hundreds of edits), nominated it for FA and it was not promoted. I am basically looking for help in any way to fulfil the FA criteria. I'm possibly too close to it to see obvious improvements.

Thanks, ʘ alaney2k ʘ (talk) 17:41, 18 March 2010 (UTC)

Comments: I'm not going to offer a full review, as for one thing I don't feel I am qualified; having no FAs of my own to judge off, and for a second, as much as I would like it, I simply don't have the time! However, here is what I have noticed.

• You start the Team History section with: "It started with a small group of like-minded hockey enthusiasts." I'm personally not a fan of this language, it sounds a little too story-like, rather than encyclopedia-like.
• "The first organized ice hockey club in Ottawa, and first in Ontario," sounds a bit clunky to me, and I'd like to see Ontario linked, I'm aware it is the province Ottawa is in, but I'm sure not everyone is. Maybe something like "The first organized ice hockey club in Ottawa, and in the whole of the Ontario province," or something like that?
• "the club had no other clubs to play that season" again, a little clunky for me, especially with the repitition of 'club', maybe "the club had no opposition to play that season"? I know I'm being picky here, so feel free to ignore or argue with me!
• "For the 1885 season, the club adopted gold and blue as its colours and returned to the Montreal Tournament." As the tournament is called the 'Montreal Winter Carnival', not the 'Montreal Tournament', I think tournament can take a lower-case 't'.
• "...and Ottawa HC would not play an outside match again until 1887." An outside match? Is this outdoors, or against another team? I'm guessing the latter, but it's slightly ambiguous for me.
• "It incorporated several Montreal-area teams," Maybe "It incorporated several teams from the Montreal area,"?
• ..., plus Quebec City and Ottawa." Teams from Quebec City and Ottawa, or just a team called Quebec City and Ottawa HC?
• "When the club began competition again in 1890," Sounds weird to me, maybe it's just a phrase I don't use, but personally I'd say "When the club began competing again in 1890,"

Right, that's all I've got time for at the moment, I'll look back later if I've got a chance. Nice article on the whole though, my points above are picky ones. Harrias (talk) 12:26, 20 March 2010 (UTC)

These are all good points, thanks. ʘ alaney2k ʘ (talk) 01:16, 22 March 2010 (UTC)