Wikipedia:Peer review/Sacrifice (2008)/archive1

Sacrifice (2008)

• A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for July 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I would like to get it to GA status. There isn't many references, 31, but they are all, besides maybe 3 or 4, from reliable sources. To me it is written fairly well, better than I wrote Lockdown. I just need to know if it is written well, all grammar issues are fine, everything is spelled correctly, since I can't spell worth crap, and if I have enough references and every little detail that is needed to pass a GA review is fixed. If you don't mind helping me out, thanks,--WillC 21:10, 26 July 2008 (UTC)

Comments by Valce1

Okay, I'm going to be a bit harsh because I really think you have the potential to write really well, considering how much effort you've clearly put into this already. There is a fair deal for you to work on, but most of these points will help you improve your writing abilities as a whole and any future articles you may write.

Okay, thank you for being harsh. I need it, this is the second article I'm going to GA with. I need to make sure it is a GA before I nominate it. Also thanks for noticing how much effort I've placed into it already. Though I feel like I haven't done much since I've used most of my time with Lockdown.--WillC 08:00, 1 August 2008 (UTC)

• First paragraph: Just so I don't have to click TNA to see what it is, include a little blurb afterwards ("by Total Nonstop Action Wrestling (TNA), a professional wrestling federation.")
  • I've placed "produced by United States professional wrestling promotion, Total Nonstop Action Wrestling (TNA)." Is that good enough?--WillC 08:00, 1 August 2008 (UTC)

• The use of commas is, I'm sorry to say, not very good. In general you use way more commas than you need to. The second paragraph is very long - consider breaking it into 2 or 3, or cutting some of the material. I highly suggest using a table format for the teams and partcipants in Sacrifice, rather than listing them in the opening paragraph. As a smaller note, the phrase "but, however," is not fantastic English - use but or however, but not both, however ;)
  • I've made the table like you wanted, however, I only did it for the Deuces Wild Teams and the TerrorDome. Also I'm not exactly sure where you want me to put it. Maybe you could be a little more clear since I usually need stuff spelled out for me. As for the commas; I suck at English. I'm not even sure if that sentence was a actual sentence or this one was either. I'll get a friend who did Lockdown to do it if he will because he is better at it than I am.--WillC 08:00, 1 August 2008 (UTC)

• The explanation of the background is a bit long winded and wordy - again consider breaking large paragraphs into more digestable chunks. Also your description of the event, while clearly written by someone who cares very much about the subject, crosses the border into the verbose and could seriously use some trimming. See articles for any other sporting/entertainment event for suggestions on how to summarize the event itself. A play-by-play account of the event is not necessary (for example, a Wiki article on a basketball championship series would not tell you about every basket scored in every game)

• I also suggest working on your writing style for describing events, since you like doing so. Focus on making it flow, rather than just having events follow each other. It's the difference between "See Spot. See Spot run. Run Spot run." and "The onlookers watched and cheered as Spot, smoke streaming from his matted fur, ran from the burning building clutching a basket containing the Smith family's newborn child."
  • Okay, I have problems writing the event section. So maybe with you feed back I'll be a little better.

• Also, I am very impressed with the tables and flowcharts :)
  • I didn't do them. Well the on-screen referees and stuff like that I did, but I must give credit to NiciVampireHeart for the results chart.--WillC 08:00, 1 August 2008 (UTC)

Some other minor things:

• 'led pipe' --> lead pipe
• A angle --> An angle
• Commas commas commas! There are many instances of commas being abused. You would make this article SO much more readable by just fixing the commas.
  • Okay, thanks for the feed back. I'll fix these problems shortly. Well when I find time I will; I'm a little busy in real life right now.--WillC 08:00, 1 August 2008 (UTC)

Valce1 (talk) 00:56, 31 July 2008 (UTC)